Luke 2:1-20

And that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about.

Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk

Something is said to perish when it is prevented from obtaining the end for which it was created. But man is created and ordained for eternal life and as long as he sins he is turned away from that destined end. Still, while he lives, he does not perish entirely for he can yet be saved through God's grace and mercy; but if he dies in sin then he perishes completely.

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud

It's been a while since I have posted.....not because I haven't had anything to say, but rather because I have so much to say that I don't know where to start.  I think God forgot to put an "off" switch in my brain.  Anyway......I told someone recently that I hated him.  Of course we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth.  Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin.  I never hated anyone before.....it's a strange sensation.....very disconcerting.  I don't like it.  So I set my sights out on flipping the coin.  I decided that I would find three things that I will always love him for and then maybe that would chase the anger and bitterness away.  The first two were easy but I struggled to come up with a third.  I finally succeeded though and the list is as follows:

1. he encouraged me to buy a house
    although this is a bittersweet memory because we house hunted together and, before I pushed him off the roller coaster ride, he was talking about having a house and a life together. But this home I have created here is something I will always treasure.

2. he let me cross the finish line first when he ran the Great Race with me
   again though.....when I wanted to do it the next year he told me I was on my own.....after the initial "courting" when he was trying to impress me....the relationship pretty much consisted of doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. Sure, he made an attempt to ask me what i wanted....but when I told him, he always said "nah...I want to ......." and then that is what we would do. But I will always remember and be grateful for the way he pushed me to keep trying and coaxing me to finish the race....stepping back to let me cross first.

and now for number three....drum roll please

3. for betraying my love and trust
    I know....huh???????  Let me explain.  You see....I have know him for over 13 years.....I have worked with him, I have played with him.....I know him in a way no one else ever will.  I see him as no one else ever has....or will.  In the back of my mind I always knew that something was not right with him........I won't go into detail here because my intention is not to bash him or demean him....afterall I am listing the "good" things I am taking away from this relationship.  Suffice it to say that I am not the only co-worker of his to say that his behavior was odd and immature most times.   But I seem to be the type to be attracted to that....the stray puppy syndrome....the slightly odd, slighly sick stray that I can take home and nurture and love.  I poured my heart and soul into him......tried to teach him what love was all about.  But the thing about love is that it makes you blind....and in my case deaf and dumb too ( mostly dumb)  While I was trying to love him and teach him my way of looking at things....I actually was getting sucked into his way of looking at things......I turned my back on my family and friends.....they knew....they saw what he was like and what he was doing....but I wouldn't listen.  But the way he lied and betrayed my love ( honestly Steve......you even called me to find out the name of that CD that was "ours" so you 
could buy it for her but then tell me you were offended that I returned everything to you because you thought I was saying our memories meant nothing???????  Do you even listen to yourself speak sometimes??????) was the wake up call I needed to break the spell.  Of course, I will never say I am grateful for the mess he left behind concerning Brian(that more than anything reveals his true character....or lack thereof)  But I am grateful to be back to the life I was meant to live....the life full of caring and compassion .....appreciating my friends and family....spoiling my grandchildren.....returning to the faith that has delivered me.  (btw......I want it noted that, although I was screaming and kicking the whole way,  God dragged my sorry butt away from the fire just in time)  But the most important thing is that I don't hate him anymore......I can take the lessons I learned....the good that I was able to extract (hey...nothings all wrong....even a clock that has stopped is right two times a day) and chalk it all up to one more chapter in an neverending story I can (and will) tell about my life.  

So....this thanksgiving....I am thankful for my family.....my faith.....my home....and even thankful  for the time I spent with Steve.  It was a wild ride.  I'm glad it's over....but I enjoyed the thrill of it while it lasted.  I know he won't find the peace and happiness he's looking for just yet and I feel bad for him for that....I truly do...hopefully someday he will see the truth. I still believe in miracles .....I was granted one......I pray that he gets his too.   I am sorry that I sounded so mean and bitter these past few months on this blog.....you will never understand how badly you hurt me and Brian....but I don't want to be defined by that because I believe there's a better way to live.......love and forgiveness are the gifts I am most grateful for this thanksgiving.....both recieved and given.

Blogging 101

It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the
strong
man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The
credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred
by
dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes
short
again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who
spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end
the
triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, at least, fails
while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who
know neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt


Okay....let me explain something to you fans in the cheap seats.  A blog is an online journal.  It's the insights and opinions of the owner of the blog.  They can be about quantum physics....they can be about the presidential race....they can even be about the latest sighting of Elvis in a 7/11 somewhere in Arkansas....whatever the owner chooses to write about.  There are millions of these things out there in cyber space.  If you don't like the content on one....move on along to the next one.   Better yet....start one of your own, don't act like the playground bully in my sandbox though cause I have the power to kick you out.  Notice that I don't do that though.  You know who I am and how I feel but I allow you to hide behind an "anonymous" tag because I happen to believe in free speech...everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Just remember though that in this "sandbox" you better be prepared to back up your opinions with some facts.  You see...I am not afraid to stand on the mountaintop shouting "here I am world....bring it on".  I own up to my thoughts and feelings....both the bad ones and the good ones.  I am not afraid to tell you what I think and why I think it.  

And this is what I think.........you obviously think people who write and read are "wasting" their time...that the only way to "live" is to just go out and take whatever you want.  But rushing through life just taking and not giving....or worse not even reflecting on the gifts that are given you....is a lot like robbing a bank.  I believe our exsistance goes on beyond this time on earth...that eternity is more important than fleeting momentary satisfaction.  I believe in God...and I am not afraid to talk or write about that.  If that makes me "crazy" in your eyes I don't much care.  

I watched this happen to Lynda so I am not so surprised it's happening to me.  To make yourselves look better you feel the need to tear others down.  It's so predictable...and so sad. Let's see...Lynda's faults....did she cheat? no....did she lie? no......did she drink and do drugs? no...did she spend all Steve's money?no........oh I remember....she read too much....she didn't constantly shower Steve with attention.......that bitch!  The truth is Steve was bored with her....so she had to go.  He was bored with me so I had to go.  No problem....I can accept that....it's his right.  But don't crucify someone to ease your conscience.  Don't critisize someone or something you don't understand.

So let's toss the facts on the old scales and see how it balances out.  

Lydna and I are both educated, smart, successfull mature adults with jobs, houses, responsibilities...the whole nine yards.  We are independant....we go out there and face the world everyday....I even have extra responsibilities that I shoulder with little help.

He is a middle aged man living at home with no responsibility dating a girl young enough to be his daughter with no other goal in life but to make enough money to retire early so he has even less responsibility.

Who is that again that needs professional help???????

The only thing that made Lynda and I crazy was our willingness to try to hold on and love someone unable to even understand what love is.

Take your own advice....move on.  You think I am wasting my life by writing.......but what does that say about you for reading it?  

You Gotta Believe in Something....No Matter the Cost

Today is election day.  I always think of my grandmother on election days.  
 My NaNa traveled alone across the Atlantic as a poor, uneducated  teenager.  She arrived here not knowing the language....not being able even to read or write.  An arranged marriage was her reason for coming....but like many before her....and many after.....she had a dream of a better life here in America.  She settled in, raised a family....and studied for her citizenship test.  One of her proudest moments was when she became a naturalized American citizen.  She often showed me her papers.  She never did learn really to read or write....and her English was hard to understand at times......but she took her responsibilities as a citizen to heart.  She never missed an election.  I remember as a teenager and a young adult taking her to the polling place.  I would help her read the ballot.....but she always knew who she was voting for.  She died shortly before her 101st birthday......right before election day.  

I think I inherited her determination and stubborness....her belief in something.....someone....larger than herself.  I miss her.  But every election day, as I cast my vote, I remember how hard she had to work......how hard women and blacks had to work....to have the right to make their mark on history.  I take nothing for granted and I don't neglet my duty....I appreciate the sacrifice so many have made to allow me the right to voice my opinion.  Free ideas ensure a free society.  And as long as this is a free society , I will always exercise my right to speak....and write....as I see fit.  I will have the courage to give a signature to the thoughts and ideas that are mine alone.  I will stand and be counted.

This election day ask yourself...."what do I stand for?"

If you don't stand for something....you'll fall for anything.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Someone who has known me for a long time made an interesting observation.  They said that, although they had never seen me happier than when I was with Steve, they also saw that I was not "myself".  I was puzzled by that assesment and I have been thinking about that for a few weeks now.....what exactly did they mean?  How was I different....and why?
So, being the curious person I am....I started an unscientific poll.  I didn't like the results.  There was widespread agreement that I had taken leave of my senses.

My list of priorities in life had always been God, family and friends....in that order.   I taught Sunday school......I coached t-ball......I was a Brownie leader......I was a public official....I homeschooled the young one for 4 years. Holidays were truly Holy Days here with the Advent wreath and Jesse tree.....Lent was a season and not just eating fish on Fridays.  My children and grandchildren were regulars for Sunday dinner and spirited games of Scrabble afterward.  Acts of charity I won't mention here because I did them for the love of God and not for any personal gain.  I always thought we all had a purpose in life.......that we had an obligation to leave the world a little better than we had found it.....that you should treat people with the respect and dignity that all children of God deserve.  I marched on Washington several times on behalf of those without a voice.  

Something happened though that I don't understand.  I abandoned the practice of my faith and my family.  I rushed headlong into his world.  Most everyone I talked to said that was what surprised them the most.......the Catholic and the atheist.....the older "earth mother" and the young irresponsible kid.  

I think to him I was a curiosity.....but he soon became my temptation....my addiction.  He seemed interested in my religion.....my prayers and my devotions.....he asked a lot of questions and I thought I had the answers.  I don't know....maybe I thought I was saving him ( he even told me once that if he ever was saved it would be because of me)  But I don't have any power to save anyone.......I couldn't even save myself.  Everthing I had been taught....everything I believed seemed to get pushed aside in my quest to be accepted by him.  Oh to be sure....there were times when I was aware of that on some level....there were times I was most uncomfortable being a part of his conversations and his lifestyle ....but I laughed along just so he would "like" me.  I will never forget one particular conversation.....he and his mother were discussing the suicide of a "close personal friend".  This man's young daughter was the one to find him.........an incredibly horrid, sad situation.  But they were laughing about it!  It makes me sick to my stomach to recall that I pretended to be amused with the conversation too.  Everything was a joke to him.....including me and Brian it turns out.

But yet....I don't hold that against him.......he's not a believer so how could I fault him?   I was the believer....I knew better....I am the guilty one.  I was a poor example to my children....my grandchildren....and even to him.  I presented myself as a Christian but I certainly wasn't acting like one when I was with him.  I became selfish......concerned only with what I wanted no matter the cost.  I was the one who allowed God's pure love to be perverted  and missused.

My reading list is quite extensive right now...... I started with all the Narcissism stuff because I wanted it to be all his fault (you really do need to read Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss)  
But I soon realized I was comparing apples to oranges.  The issue for me wasn't what Steve was or wasn't....the issue for me was how to find my way back home.  How to make my life right.  The thing is....I didn't have to go far.  My shelf is crammed with almost all of Fulton Sheen's books......with a large collection of C.S. Lewis.....with the works of St. Augustine....St. Thomas Aquinas.....St. Francis.....Mother Teresa. ....He always did say he liked my answers better.....I was raised on a total Catholic school education....I studied the saints and the scholars.....I live the Bible through the liturgical year....I might have neglected it these past few years.....but by the Grace of God, I haven't forgotten it.

And yet......I find myself loving Steve even more now....because I understand now....I understand the fall from Grace.... I understand the healing power of redemption....I understand the mystery  will be revealed some day on the other side of this life.....

our lives do not then depend on the principle of avoiding sin, which is a tiresome job,but on living  constantly in the climate of Divine Love.....Fulton Sheen

If

I thought of you this morning.  I was in a shop full of clocks and when the hour struck , one started playing the song I sang to you as an infant.  (surprised me too....who knew that obscure '70's songs are all the rage in new age grandfather clocks)  The memory made me smile...something I don't do too often lately.  When you called me this afternoon to tell me your news another memory came to mind....one that has clouded my landscape for a few months now.

I am so sorry.   I know very well the suffocating feeling of that quiet desperation.  I have worn the floorboards of that long lonely hallway so that the ruts are hard to escape.  I am sorry I have left you that legacy...that I have made your life seem so complicated.  I wish we could start all over again.  I know we can't....but maybe we can help each other see our way clear of all this confusion.
Please don't think I don't understand....or that your reasons will hurt me further....because you are not crazy ( and you are NOT him) and I need you to know that I love you even though I haven't always been the best of examples.

And maybe when you are done that book , I should re-read it too.

We Built This City

Every day, on my way to and from work, I pass a house where unspeakable horror dwelled until one act of desperation drove the demon to another location in a young girl's private hell.  The local District Attorney decried the deplorable conditions of the house and urged it to be condemned.  It is now being disassembled....all that remains is a pile of broken wood and twisted metal.  Soon it will be nothing but a bare empty lot.
I wonder though about the condition of the new home where the demon now resides.  It is always the most innocent who are forced to share quarters with the evil that lives in the hearts of those who gave birth to them.  Now that heart no longer beats and the innocent one is left alone to wrestle the demon even the older one could not seem to tame.
Hate the sin....but love the sinner.  That's what we are commanded to do.  Love is the ultimate weapon.  But I saw her wounded eyes as I passed by in my car on the way to my safe, warm home on more than a few occasions.  What would I have done if I knew then the source of her sad expression? Love is patient and kind.....but her patience wore thin when no one came to her aid.Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.  Is she bitter now?  Does she hate the world for letting her down?  Can you blame her for any of that?  
So now the walls of her physical hell have been torn down as if that will make everything better.Home is where the heart is though so her emotional hell is still intact.  Can she ever escape it?  Will someone love her enough to stand beside her as she battles the demon that was bequeathed to her?
So many souls live in darkness.  Some by chance....some by choice.  Love, bearing the gift of truth, can light the way. Truth, like a hand from heaven, is what will build a new home.  Is that a choice you can pass a chance on?

Tears in Heaven

Although I greatly appreciate the way my family and friends have banded together to help me sew up the tear in the fabric of my life, I was looking forward to testing the "patch" this weekend. I decided it was time to strike out on my own for 48 hours. No trips with the grandchildren......no "girls night out".......no sister face time.
The Penguins did their part Friday night ( don't tell Meghan but my opinion has changed concerning Sabourin) Some flannel pj's, total control of the remote, great hockey......the only thing missing were the Corona's calling me from the basement.
Saturday started out great too... even though it took me 2 hours to donate 1 pint of blood!!!!!!!(and btw.......never wear a white shirt when you go to donate blood) I haven't cried in quite a while so I decided it was time to complete that one errand I had been putting off for too long.....the fabric store. The walls have been painted......the rug has been in place.....and finally the perfect couch has been purchased...so it was time to buy the fabric for the chair that was supposed to be the next new project we tackled together. I realized in the parking lot that I had forgotten the ceramic tile that I had picked out for the coffee table ( I am into furniture making now too...lol....hey what can I say....if you can't find what you want, make it yourself) No excuses though....I can still bring home swatches. Get out of the car and on with your life.
Walking through the aisles was pretty surreal at first......you kind of expect to turn the corner and have him there in the next aisle checking out the patterns and offering an opinion. So familiar and yet so foreign. After a few minutes though I realized I could do this....could visit the places that remind me of him and survive quite well. I didn't even come close to crying when I was handed some bright new pennies in change there ( I swear God has a sense of humor...everywhere I go anymore I get shiny new pennies). Yes, life is good. Another hockey game tonight (only I won't have ignore the Corona's tonight).......no distractions....I can finish my book before the game. Only, I decided to clean the young one's room first. When I was sorting his movies, I realized I never saw his video from summer camp yet. So I popped it in the dvd player.
I will never be able to find the right words to use to express what it has been like these last 18 years living with Brian. The love, the laughter, the pain, the fear. But the images of Brian and his friends....of the campers and their caregivers.....the music they chose as the soundtrack to their lives....I couldn't hold back the tears.
And yet.......it wasn't sad. They were all happy and loving....not a care in the world. I had to ask myself why was I crying??????? This was what life is supposed to be about....about friends and family....about caring and compassion. Seeing the face of God in everyone.
What is sad I suppose is that there are so many cruel and uncaring people in this world who think so little of the love that is manifest in Brian and his friends. The kind of people who would rather live in darknesss than embrace the light that radiates from their gentle, innocent souls.

Matthew Chapter 25 verses 31-40

I don't believe in coincidence.

I believe it's never too late though.
John Chapter 4 verses 7-41
I am the woman at the well. I have walked in the darkness too.....

All we have to do is ask.

On the Road to Find Out

The answer lies within
So why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
Pick up, pick up a good book now...........Cat Stevens


I think it was Socrates that said "the unexamined life is not worth living". Everybody at some point in time has to ask themselves some very hard questions. Their very survival depends on the answers they find.

He always used to ask me why I was so nice. I told him I didn't know any other way to be. So it puzzles me why he thinks the advice I have given him recently was intended as an insult. The road to hell is paved with good intentions........and I realize that , even though I wanted him to see the truth, it wasn't my place to point that out to him. Some things we are better off dealing with on our own. Some conversations are best left between ourselves and God. But they are conversations we must have. We are all created in God's image and likeness......our core...our soul was created to be in union with the Creator. Life has a way of drowning out that small still voice of our conscience that cries out for peace and happiness.

We are all called.......but it's up to us to answer that call or not.

The "niceness" he spoke of is just the image and likeness of God that resides in me. I myself.....without God.....am just an empty shell. So now is the time for me to ask the questions.....to examine my life.....to find the answer that God has already buried in my heart like a treasure.


Death is always necessary for a resurrection........Fulton Sheen

Forgive We Now Each Other's Faults...

As we our faults confess.

That was one of my favorite hymns as a child. You don't hear that one too much anymore at church.

Where charity and love prevail
There God is ever found
Brought here together by Christ's love
By love are we thus bound
Forgive we now each other's faults
As we our faults confess
And let us love each other well
In Christian holiness

Forgivness is something that comes easy for me. I admit I get hurt and angry at times.....but hate and revenge are 2 things I just don't understand. I know a lot has been said lately out of pain and confusion. And I can even admit that I am still angry somewhat but I have never said anything about hating Steve and I never said or did anything to intentionally hurt him even though he's done that to me. If anything, giving a name to an issue in his life was meant to try to help. Love does not just "give up" or go away. It may change to a differant form.....but it remains constant. God does not stop loving us when we displease Him. And patron saints don't abandon us when we need them the most (even when we don't even recognize that we need them). There has been so much in this life that God has forgiven me.

No, forgiving others has never been my problem......my problem is worse than that. My problem is that I can't seem to forgive myself. And that is an even deadlier sin.... thinking my sin is greater than God's mercy. It would be easy...and convienient to blame my poor choices in life on my mother. But the truth is, she's only human and I can see and understand her "limitations" too. Yes.....I certainly came away from my childhood with extremly low self esteem......but that isn't what led me down the dark alleyways I have been travelling all my life.
She may have hurt me....but she didn't shame me. I did that to myself. And shame is the greatest injury to our souls.....it's the emotion that fuels all our fears about ourselves. It's the one Adam and Eve felt upon their departure of the Garden of Eden....it's the one we are cleansed of by the Holy Spirit....and if we despair of that cleansing....if we deny that it can cleanse us then there is no hope for us. I have spent my whole life trying to deny something....trying to love better, forgive more...in the hopes I could "make up" for the past. But some things you just can't "make up" for. Some things you just have to beg God's mercy for.....but you have to believe He will forgive....believe he will forget... but most of all, you have to accept that mercy. You have to accept that only God has the power to make things right. Our job is to just accept His mercy....praise Him for it..........and pass it on down the line.

You Don't Know What It's Like

It's finally quiet here. I appreciate my daughter watching Brian so I can go out, but that usually means I have to return the favor. I don't mind having N. here though. I just don't get much sleep when he is here. I sometimes just watch him sleep and I wonder what it will be like for him in the future. He had his new braces on today....they are smaller, just fitting over the ankles and not all the way up his shins anymore....but they are more rigid and seem like they are uncomfortable. They are "rainbow" colored. He gets to design them....I thought for sure they would be blue.

When Brian was born I used to sit up at night and watch him sleep too. I remember that overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of his disabilty. It's funny though....my sisters and I have had to deal with different disabilities with our kids. I have often thought I couldn't handle Adam's or Emily's medical issues....and they have said that they thought they couldn't handle Brian's mental retardation. Now I deal with both the mental....and physical issues. Granted, N.'s condition isn't an ongoing medical concern like Adam's or Emily's.....but I know his future is still uncertain. They still haven't pinpointed the nature of his muscle myopathy.

You want so badly to protect you kids from the difficulties in life but most things are out of your control. Being a single mother with someone like Brian is even tougher. I want to be the loving, protective mother....but I find myself having to be the "bad cop" most of the time to keep him motivated. I wish I had the opportunity to enjoy him more....to read to him more....to play with him more. But I am always pressed for time....and most times he can't be hurried....so I end up nagging and being firm with him. This has been a tough year for him. Actually it's been a tough year for me too....but I can't show weakness around him...I have to push harder. He's getting better at school though....the crying and acting out has slowed. And since the "Leapster incident" at least the teacher and I are on the same page now on how to handle things. He's so angry at me anymore...it's like how Erin was when her dad and I broke up. They blamed me ....mostly cause I was there. If it helps him though, I can take it. He "uninvited" me to his choral concert though the other night when I told him I didn't want him to make Steve a card. It hurts....but I have to turn it around....I told him fine...but how did he think he was going to get to the concert then? He is sooooo excited about this concert....I think he has invited everyone he knows (and even some people he doesn't know....like the cashier at Giant Eagle). I think the only two classes where we don't have any trouble are swimming and chorus......and he can't swim or sing!

That's the beauty of his innocence........life is so simple for him. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of his ablity.....he likes it....it's fun.....so he goes for it with gusto.

That's also the heartbreak of his innocence........love is so simple for him. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. If he loves you.....he goes for it with gusto.

We should all be so lucky to have that kind of "disability".

What I'll Give You Since You Asked

Before I get to the heart of the matter tonight I want to post my horoscope for today. I think it's kind of amusing. I never believed in this stuff ( I still don't) but I read them for fun. They have been especially compelling lately.

Sagittarius October 12
Warm and inspiring relations with others at this time might not only make you happy today, dear Sagittarius, they could inspire you to be creative in some way. Your friends should prove very supportive of your efforts at this time and this can spur you on to accomplish a lot. Writing especially could show a lot of promise. Get busy and have some fun.

It seems as if I have some critics. I find their comments strangely amusing. The complaint is that I am self centered and need professional help. Last time I checked, this was my blog. I guess they think I should be using this space to tell of the greatness of Steve and how fortunate the young one and I were to have been a part of his life. They say I should move on and not talk to Steve anymore(news flash...I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months) but yet...why are they even reading this blog??????? Who needs to move on here?????? But then again they must not be reading very closely because they have totally missed the point. Or else they only hear what they want to hear in which case nothing I say matters....they already think they know all there is to know.

They say there are two sides to every story...but my dad used to say there were three....you have one side, the other person has one side, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.That truth is what I have been seeking.

It's never just one person's fault when a relationship ends. Two go in....two go out. I never said it was all his fault. Do I think he has issues? Yes. Do I think I have issues? Yes. If the "anonymous" poster (and I love how these posters hide behind the "anonymous" tag) had been paying any attention they would have seen that in my posts. When your life is tossed upside down it's natural to be angry....or hurt....or resentful. I will not apologize for anything I said while working out those emotions. Self examination is not being self centered......it's a necessary step in understanding what was wrong and what was right in the relationship so you can learn from the experience and emerge stronger and smarter. Only a fool would say they were totally right and not ever face their shortcomings. Only a person who is dead inside would think they have nothing more to learn from life.

I am insecure and emotional....but I am honest and kind. I am indecisive and opinionated......but I am compassionate and forgiving. I am moody....but I am a hard worker. We are all many things....both good and bad. Part sinner....part saint. That includes Steve. He has both good and bad qualities. It's all about balance.....it's all about striving to be the best we can be. But the "anonymous" poster has NO RIGHT to an opinion on what Steve has done to Brian........you have no clue as to the extent of the devestation that boy is working through. You think Steve is a saint...and I need professional help....but Brian is the one in counseling now at the school's request. And Steve has yet to even acknowledge that he has hurt Brian in any way. You can defend him all you want but the hallmark of narcissism is the lack of compassion and the necessity of destroying anyone who challenges the narcissist. Narcissists can't ever see how they hurt other people. Steve is laughing at me and mocking my attempts to hold him accountable....he makes light of Brian's pain.....and obviously brags about it to you "anonymous" poster. So what does that say about all of you?????? I dare you to tell me to my face that Brian just needs to "move on". I dare you to tell Brian that yourself too!

And to answer your question....yes my children are proud of me. They are proud of the fact that I am standing up for myself and Brian. They are proud of the home I have created......of everything that I have done ON MY OWN . They respect me for the commitment I show to my faith in God. They respect me for refusing to entertain any thought of hate or revenge towards the ever growing list of men who have hurt me and their brother. They are proud of my attempts to forgive the past and seek a better future....even when it means being brutaly honest about my own shortcomings. They especially respect the fact that I admit that I am not perfect.

So it's you who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I challenge you to contact me personally....sit down and hear the truth...not the version he spins. But I'll bet you can't handle the truth. Because that would mean facing the fact that maybe you are wrong about some things. It's not easy to look in the mirror and see warts and all staring back at you but we all have to do it sooner or later. Denying it doesn't change it.

And as far as moving on goes........ask him where my house key is. Better yet....tell him he owes me $150 for having to get the locks changed.

And tell him #6 on Snow Patrol still applies. Seriously.

New Attitude

Awesome Graphics at pYzam.com

Don't Stop Believing

Sagittarius -
You are on a roll today, dear Sagittarius. Don't let other people's insecurities or shallow understanding about the issues get in the way of your progress. There is a distinct advantage to the way you approach things. Feel free to exert your will on those who need strong direction on how to proceed. If you are confident about the answer, don't be shy about saying so. If people don't like the way you are leading, they don't need to follow.

That's my horoscope for today......pretty funny. I don't believe in coincidence . I have been thinking about how best to approach the wisdom of continuing with this blog. I didn't want to give it up, but I didn't want to do more harm than good either.

I want to say for the record (and all you friends can close your eyes so as not to read the next few words) that I still love and miss Steve. I am saying that because that truth is important. I know he thinks that I am using this blog to be mean to him....even though he is the one being mean and heartless.....but the reality is that I am just trying to come to terms with some very confusing emotions. It's one of the interesting things about us humans that has always fascinated me....that ability we have to love someone despite the pain they cause us. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the only one who can do that. Either way I know what I have to do.

The blog stays....and it stays the way I want it to. For whatever reason, God has given me the ability to love without condition, to forgive like I have been forgiven (more on that in a later post), and continue to believe in a deeper meaning of life. I struggle with this gift....because I know how vulnerable it makes me. And I leave myself wide open for criticism because I say and do things that aren't always smart...or popular. And I am not even sure what I am doing half the time....all I know is that despite my imperfections...or maybe because of them....I know that I have to do what I know how to do. And that's to love like I want to be loved....forgive like I want to be forgiven....

I can't answer for anyone else......when I stand before God someday I will have to account for what I said and did. I believe that I was set on this journey for a reason....that this pain I am going through is kind of like birthing pains. Only God knows what's at the end of this road...all I know is that I will follow.

Secret Garden

Our lives are like a garden that must be tended lovingly in order to grow and flourish. Each of us carries within us the seeds needed to plant the most glorious of bounties. Unfortunatly, weeds can spring up quite unexpectantly and choke out the beauty that we had admired.

My prayer this morning was for help in weeding out my garden. The anger and bitterness arising from the pain was threatening to overtake the flowers. If I let it take root it could change the entire landscape. I don't want that to happen. So I asked God to remove the anger and bitterness from my heart. And I realized something......yes, he hurt me very badly.....but he certainly wasn't the first to do so. And with every hurt and disappointment in my life another seed was planted. The winds carry the seeds and scatter them where it may. I can not control what lands in my garden....only God can do that.....but I am responsible for tending to that garden....to nurture it along....to encourage the beauty and weed out the unwanted, ugly waste that threatens the soil.

I have the tools I need to cultivate a garden of lasting beauty. I have the love and patience that God has given me...I just have to use them.

There is a reason I say I am a "practicing" Catholic. I believe that we have to practice our faith everyday....that since we are human we are less than perfect so we will never have perfect faith.
Some days are easier than others. Some days the weeds threaten to choke us. But if we work at it with the tools God gave us and pray for the faith to rain down on us to water our efforts, the beauty will astound us.

Sins of the Fathers

I can understand his reluctance to face the truth. The wounds of our youth can leave deep and lasting scars. Some feel it is better to never revisit them. So they go through life denying they ever exsisted....because to admit to the scars is to admit to the shame of being made to feel unworthy of the love of the one who is most like ourselves. Life then becomes a dangerous game of hide and seek. We hide who we truly are to seek the love and approval of those closest to us. But the Catch 22 part is that the ones who are closest to us are the ones who should love us for who we really are....and not who they want us to be. And once our "false" self gains that love....the "true" self has virtually no chance of surviving.

This in turn feeds the shame of knowing that we too are admiting that our true self is unworthy.

I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.

Maybe my mother was wrong......maybe I am ...... maybe my revelation wasn't meant to help him.....maybe it was meant to help me. To help me see that you can't erase the pain by changing the past....or the people who inflicted the pain in the first place..... or even changing yourself to suit them........But to change the way you react to that pain.....to stop chasing after the same source of pain hoping to have a different outcome.

I would rather be loved for who I am than to be hated for who I am not.

I would rather be loved for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.

Newstories2tell

What must it be like to possess the talent to stir men's souls? I have had a lot of comments about this blog....and about my writing abilities in general.....but these are just random thoughts thrown out into the wind. I don't plan most of these posts....I just sit here and type what comes into my head. There's nothing profound here....more just a general observation of the train wreck that is my life. People are always fascinated by misfortune on the highway....they always slow down to get a better look of all the shattered glass and twisted metal. But they drive away no better or wiser from the image filed away in their brains.

Did you ever read Shakespeare or Austin or Browning and marvel at the way they take ordinary words and form them into something extrodinarily beautiful? Or better yet...Bethoveen or Bach....what must it be like to have the language of God form behind your closed eyes....to hear the music play for the first time in your head before pen touches paper?

Even modern expression.....Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech.......passionate inspiring sermons of Billy Graham....the kinds of words that inspire nations to war....and back to peace again. There are pieces of modern music that always bring me to tears when I hear them....Dan Fogleberg's Netherlands.....Justin Hayward's New Horizens.....John Denver's Annie's Song.....just about anything by Alan Parson or Jim Brickman or Andrea Bocelli. Those are the things that stir the soul....that make you feel something alive deep inside of you. I don't have a talent for that.

The beauty that surronds us.....a sunrise....a sunset.....the majesty of the mountaintops......the granduer of the lush green river valleys.....the powerful tides of the oceans.....a simple red rose glistening with the morning dew......all comes from Love. But the appreciation of that beauty is our Love mirrored back to God.

So can one truly love anything or anyone without first recognizing the source of Love? One only has to look at the differance between Mozart and Metalica to understand that music without soul is just noise. And stories without heart are just words on a rag.

Love and beauty are everyone's duty....that's a line from a Moody Blues song. I think it means that we are to mark our days here on earth, not in selfish pursuit of what "feels good" but what actually is good. To paint our landscape with the brush of Love....to leave lasting beauty....and to take only what we are willing to give in return. That way our stories will have no end and the music will never die.

That's What Friends Are For

I wear a ring. A silver Celtic cross. I used to wear another traditional Irish ring....the Irish have always fascinated me......their stories.....their faith....their luck. I don't have much luck with them though. But anyway....the ring I wear now is a testament to my faith in God.. Silver is actually a soft metal....pliable and easily bent.....the band of this ring bears that out. But the ornate cross is strong and beautiful and this ring reminds me of God's never ending love and care for us. His strength holds together the fragile inner workings of our lives. The ring I used to wear was a testament too....but of a differant kind. I used to wear a silver Claddagh. The legend of the Claddagh is an interesting one.

An original symbol of the "Fisher Kings" of the Galway town of Claddagh, Ireland, (pronounced clada) the design was first fashioned into the traditional ring back in the 17th Century during the reign of Mary II.Legend has it that an Irish young man, Richard Joyce, bound for the West Indian slave plantations - no doubt the Irish Carribean island of Montserrat - was kidnapped himself in rough seas by a band of Mediterranean pirates and sold to a Moorish goldsmith who over the many long years of his exile helped him perfect the skills of a master craftsman.When in 1689 King William III negotiated the return of the slaves, Joyce returned to Galway - despite, it said, the Moor's offer of the daughter's hand in marriage and a princely dowry of half of all his wealth.Back in Ireland a young women had never stopped faithful waiting for her true love to return. Upon which time when he presented her with the now famous Royal Claddagh gold ring - a symbol of their enduring love. Two hands to represent their friendship, the crown to signify their loyalty and lasting fidelity, and the sign of the heart to symbolise their eternal love for each other.They soon married, never to be separated again.

I gave him my ring a few months ago. I told him to return it to me when he was ready. Well....he's not ever going to be ready. He wants to be friends though.....but no matter how pliable the silver is....I can't imagine seperating the love and the loyalty from the friendship.

So I guess he will have to keep all three.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

They say image is everything. You don't have to "be"...you just have to appear to"be". We all have "faces" we wear when we go out into the world....but the danger lies in the "faces" we wear when we are alone with ourselves. Sometimes, the truth about ourselves is too ugly...too painful to bear so we hide behind the appearance of control. We think we control our emotions...our thoughts....our actions. But the truth is that the river that runs through us has a current all it's own that was charted for us long before we even realized we knew how to swim. At some points it's calm...but at some points it rages beyond our ability to hang on. So it's sink or swim.

Survival of the fittest....put your "game face" on and jump in. Only did you ever notice how a duck swims? Calm on the surface....but paddling like hell under the water. But yet when we master something in life people say we "take to it like a duck takes to water". I never understood that allegory. But like I said...image is everything.

But at some point in your life you have to stop lying to yourself. It's not enough to "appear" to be successful...or happy....or peaceful. Because you know that's never enough...and the more we try to "appear" that way, the more desperate we become to maintain that appearance. Like that duck paddling like hell but never really getting anywhere. And let's face it...this society we live in is obssessed with appearences.

So if we feel like we don't measure up somehow, the very thought of being "unmasked" can be devestating. So we glue that face on good and tight and defend ourselves against anyone who tries to peek underneath. Pretty soon we even forget ourselves what lies beneath the mask. Well maybe not forget....but we do deny it exsists. Yet everyone has something they would like to hide away from view. It's a pity....because "nobodysperfect". All we do when we wall up our pain is to deny ourselves the chance to ever heal.

And really....if you think about it......it's usually the image that is more limiting than the truth. In maintaining the image we become slaves to it. All our energy is expended to sustain a lie. What a waste of time. Our own personal universe is under control of a merciless tyrant.......ourselves. Because it's usually us that are our own worst critic.

I know I have been pretty harsh with someone here lately. Some things I feel just had to be said. But if he's honest with himself, he'll have to admit he's been even harder on himself than I have been. Being honest with ourselves is never easy. And admitting it to ourselves is even harder. Blame is easy to pass around though....but the thing about blame is that even though you pass it off....it never really leaves your own hands. The stain is still there to remind you of what you've touched. So enough with the blame....it's time to roll up the sleeves....wash off the hands....and try to chip away at the mask that's been glued to my own face. I stand by my assesment of his limitations ......it really is scary how textbook it is.....but that fact is irrelevant. My own limitations are just as "textbook"....and since this is my blog, my mask has to fall first.

Shine

I don't know if it is apparant to you readers, but the titles of most of my posts are either song titles or lines from the lyrics of songs. Music has always been important to me. Iwould rather listen to music than watch TV. My musical tastes vary depending on what mood I am in. My CD library is quite eclectic. Going through them though, I can see a reminder of most every relationship I have been in. From Bob I developed a passion for the Moody Blues( I still have the copy of Threshold of a Dream that you gave me), Pat left a legacy of Neil Diamond, Dave gave me Tim McGraw, Joe plugged me into Jim Brickman and Andrea Bocelli. Steve on the other hand not only left me with nothing(more about that later) I gave to him a certain affinity for Keith Urban. In fact, today's post is titled after a song on his new CD. There's a twist to that though. Usually songs are written for "secular" purposes....but I sometimes imagine certain "love songs" as being sung for me from God. They are so pure in their message that I can understand them to be something other than what I am sure the songwriter intended. But that is the beauty in God.....he inspires us all in ways that touch other's lives without us even realizing it.

Steve, because of his "limitations" , doesn't have much to offer of his own self so he tends to follow along with what others say, do, or think. I am a big Keith Urban fan....in fact I have a certain favorite CD that I consider the ultimate "road trip" CD. We have listened to it often. On that CD is a certain song that has great meaning....a song the young one sings along with Steve....a song that describes a trip we took. A few weeks ago, he asked me about that CD. I asked him why....I knew the reason....but I was hoping I was wrong. He assured me it was because he was "just thinking about it....thinking about singing with the young one" I told him outright that I considered it "our" song....please don't betray that memory. Well that's the thing about his "limitations"....tell him not to do something is just asking for the opposite result. He could have very well gone to the record store and taken the time to read the covers...but he has to take the easy, lazy way and ask me....just rubbing the insult in even further (but he insists there's nothing wrong with him....that I am the crazy one) So not only is he a liar, he has to be cruel about it.

A few months ago, he was talking about a more permanent relationship......buying a house.....handling finances.....even down to the details of how to decorate. So, seeing as I was not the one to lie or cheat or otherwise damgage our relationship, how is it that he feels the need to be so cruel to me? Hmmm......could it be that he is ashamed of himself? I have made no secret of how badly he has hurt the young one....how the young one is still struggling with all this....how this girl he is with is younger than the young one's own siblings. And I can only imagine the story he has spun to this girl who is young enough to be his daughter. He has regressed to teenage behavior......irresponsible teenage behavior at that. And now he is holding out the hope we can be "friends".

Well, as a "friend" Steve, let me be the one to say.....dude, there is something wrong with you. If you "clicked" with someone like her....what does that say about your own maturity level? What are you guys going to do....sneak into her house at night like some sex obssesed teenagers? You're 40 years old for heaven's sake!!!!! You look like a fool. What you did to the young one (and lets be forthright here since everyone else already knows....the young one has Down Syndrome.....his innocent soul and loving nature makes it heartbreaking to watch his emotional struggle) is nothing short of demonically cruel. And you have the nerve to laugh about all this with your new girlfriend (yea....you two are sooo mature) even when I did nothing to you to deserve this. What kind of a man could do this to someone who has shown you nothing but love? I can accept that you changed your mind....even wish you well.... but there is no need to treat me like dirt because you can't handle the consequences of your decisions. I told you about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder not to spite you or hurt you....but as a friend......so maybe you can have some peace in your life. But the way you reacted only proves my point even more.
And I know that I am doing this at my own risk because you (because of your limitations) will attack me even more for saying these things. But that's what I have to say as a friend....because that's what friends should do.....tell you the truth.

So, getting back to the title of this post.....God has found a way to shine in my life. His light will illuminate me and give me the strength I need to examine my faults and reveal my role in the doomed dance we were dancing. The only way to move forward is to honestly face the past.....it will be painful...and difficult.....but I won't be alone. Anything worth having though is worth working for. And a loving, peaceful, purposeful life is definatly worth having. Good thing the young one is such a good and patient teacher.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

We are all a little bit broken......it comes from being human in an imperfect world. Every day on this earth packs a little more into the baggage we are forced to carry around. Some prefer to carry everything and some prefer to travel light. But what to discard and what to save? What do we really need...and what will we never have use for again? Tough questions...with no 2 people having the same answers.

I know that I am weary of the weight I have been lugging around for so long. It's time to put the bags down and rifle through them. It might take a while to sort everything out....to decide what I need and what is of no use to me anymore.....but if I ever hope to travel any further down this boulevard I must streamline the baggage.

Stay tuned folks.....you never know what I might find when I get to the bottom of the suitcase.

Pennies from Heaven

I am still the worst navigator in the world (my daughter says I am fired....no more passenger for me....I get to drive...she gets to navigate). A 40 min. trip to Philly from Atlantic City took 2 hours!!!! I had us going north up the coast instead of west into PA. At least it was pretty....the leaves are starting to turn colors and it was a nice day.We were going for lunch at Geno's...they truly do have a terrific cheesesteak. And who can go to Philadelphia and not see the Liberty Bell? Well, that led to a carriage ride through the historic district. The only problem with that was that my grandaughter was more interested in talking to the horse....so I missed some of what the guide was saying. So I am not quite sure why....but there's a custom there to toss a penny on Ben Franklin's grave. (and did they build the U. S. Mint directly across the street from his grave on purpose?) I can't see how he would approve of that....wasting pennies like that.....but I was game. In fact it turned out to be another one of those "Divine providence" moments. At the souviner shop, I was handed 4 bright shiny brand new pennies. I stared at those pennies for a second....I think the clerk must have thought I was from another country trying to figure out what coins I was holding. I found myself fighting those involuntary tears that spring up every now and again. The ones that betray my resolve to shelve certain memories. Anyway....now on Ben Franklin's grave sits 4 bright shiny brand new pennies....one tossed by Nicholas.....one tossed by Keegan....and I am not sure if you were supposed to make a wish or anything when you tossed them....but there was a wish made from me....and one for the one who the pennies were meant for.

Next time though.....we have to make sure there's not an Eagle's home game!!!!

Red Was Very Nice

I went on a pretty cool road trip this past weekend. Atlantic City to meet an old friend. Driving through Philly on Friday night was a great way to start the trip....who knew a traffic jam could turn into one of the best photo ops of the trip? We were stuck in traffic right at the point of the Sculkyll River where the boat houses are. At night they are outlined in small white lights that just shimmer off the river. So incredibly cool looking! Atlantic City itself was interesting. The ocean front there is rather dissapointing.....smelly and dirty......but it's great for finding sea shells. The water was surprisingly warm still for this time of year. Good thing for me because, once again, I wasn't dressed for ocean going. My daughter (convieniently) had jeans on so she sat on the beach and snapped pictures. Her Godfather carried the grandson into the water and the grandaughter wanted in too so I walked her in thinking she wouldn't want to go far. Big mistake....lol. Once the bottom of the skirt got wet, Jim laughed and told me I might as well go for it. Easy for him to say....he didn't have to walk around in wet underwear for the rest of the afternoon. The boardwalk was neat. The food was good and the carnival games and rides were fun. The shops were interesting....high end luxury stores next to cheap junk stores. I started a new Hard Rock t-shirt collection (even started one for the grandkids). But the most uncharacteristic thing was going back into the casinos that night. I am not that much of a gambler (ok all you guys that know my love life...stop laughing) but I had a conversation with someone once about putting big money (does $60 qualify?) down on the roulette wheel. All or nothing....one shot.....

It feels great to come out a winner!

Sweet Home Alabama

The young one had Open House at his tech school last night. He has industrial arts and building maintenance this semester. I helped him study for his test, so I knew they were reviewing the names and functions of tools....and he did mention that he learned how to work a palm sander....but this is major power tools they are letting him use!!!!! Drill presses.....band saws.....are they crazy????? lol The teacher said he's going to be teaching them to paint also....but the young one told him he already knows how to do that....he told him his "mom painted the living room hundreds of times" His grandmother got a kick out of that comment. Okay...for the record it's only been 4 times but considering I've only been in this house for a little over a year I guess in the law of averages I paint my living room more often than people change the batteries in their smoke detectors. I love owning my own house though for just that reason. I can do whatever I darn well please. My house is just as unique as I am....and as colorful. A home....not just a house. It's great to be home.

Some Gotta Win, Some Gotta Lose

I find it ironic that what started this cataclysmic chain of events was me returning the vestiges of our time together. He was "hurt" that I was implying that what we had meant nothing to me. That he was "cherishing" the things I had given him because they were "good memories" for him. But now that I know the truth....and called him out on it.....I am suddenly the "evil" one...the one who is ridiculed and mocked. He had "good memories" as long as I played my part in his sick fantasy world, but once I walked away from the stage he had to rewrite the script. In reality though, there never was any "relationship". What I thought we had exsisted only in my head. It was never what it should have been....or could have been.....because I was busy loving someone who didn't love me back....who couldn't even understand the concept of love. And another thing that is funny is that every time I told him I loved him...he always asked me "why?"....he always wanted to know why I loved him....why I dealt with him. He always admitted to me that he knew he drove me insane....that he knew he had no compassion.....that he knew he received more from me than he gave in return. He always wanted me to admit that I was jealous....jealous of his furniture....jealous of his bank account....jealous of his material possesions. He would tell me outright that he thought he was being a jerk. And through all that I hung on...I assured him that I loved him....that he was worthy......that he was important. I danced with the devil in perfect time. I knew my part and I played it well. I didn't create the monster but I sure knew how to feed it.

But do I regret it? I would have to say no. I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with and even now, knowing what I know, I can say that I have nothing to be ashamed about. It's never wrong to love someone....to want to be loved in return. I didn't do anything wrong...so I guess he and my sister were right after all....it was nothing personal....because he never thought of me as "personal". I was just another "it" that satisfied him till he got bored. And the young one was just that "collateral damage" I guess they talk about in war. The amusing thing though?... Up until I returned all his stuff...he kept asking me why I was so nice to him when he was such a jerk to me. He destroyed the young one without so much as an ounce of regret....yet he is out there waging war on me for calling him on the carpet. He is so self centered that he hasn't even noticed that I have left the battlefield. Not only have I won this battle......I have won the war. But then again he's been fighting himself for years.

Unanswered Prayers

Early in our relationship we had gone to Niagra Falls. He was still trying to impress me then, so we searched out a church. What we found was a monastary and after Mass we toured the monks' chapel. Being a believer, I was naturally in awe of the power and beauty of the very real pressence of God. I sat there in silence for awhile while he snapped pictures of the stained glass. He asked me about the candles and I explained the custom of lighting a candle to accompany a prayer. He gave me a dollar and told me to light a candle. He asked me what I prayed for but I wouldn't tell him. What I prayed for was him. For him to open up to the possibility that God exsisted and that my religion wasn't so "crazy". We went into the gift shop and there the questions began....about the rosary beads, about the statues, about the prayer books, about the angels.....and the saints. Who they were and why we prayed to them and why there were so many. I told him about patron saints and why we chose them. He asked me to pick a patron saint for him. I knew right away who I would pick. I had a few Canadian coins left so I bought him a medal of his new patron saint. St. Jude. The patron saint of impossible causes. (my sister told me I was mean) These past few years, everywhere we went it was always him who searched for the churches......the Bascilica in St. Louis.......St. Mary's in Marieta (the most beautiful church I have ever seen in my life) he even went to Mass with me at the church by his house. Up until the very end he had questions for me. And I still prayed to Jude for intercession. I made a major miscalculation though....I forgot about free will. We all have to choose to accept God's grace or not. He won't force it on us no matter how many prayers others send up on our behalf.

I may have fallen from Steve's grace for returning all those things and suggesting he take a hard look at his life and the way he is living it, but I have found that God's grace (and mercy!) has never been more alive in my life. Sometimes it's the unanswered prayers that prove God's love for us. But are there any such things as ananswered prayers? If I prayed for a life with Steve and that wasn't what was best for me (and I know that to be true) why would a loving God give me that? Wouldn't He instead give me what I truely needed? Sometimes we just have to trust God and His plan for our lives.....so the answer to our prayers always come....just not in the way we had envisioned. Being infallible creatures, could you imagine the havoc if we were given everything we wanted? The best thing God can do sometimes is to save us from ourselves!

I am where I need to be....my family....my friends....have all been so amazing. Only 1 "I told you so" so far. I am learning who I am , who I was (not always a pretty picture) and who I want to be. I have a purpose in life now....a direction. I am rediscovering my talents and passions.....I am doing the things I have always loved but never allowed myself to do these past few years. But more importantly I have rediscovered the source of my deepest happiness. My children....my grandchildren have forgiven my serious lack of attention these past few years....and for that I am most grateful. I have been invited to ride Thomas the Tank Engine with my grandchildren....to step into the ocean with my children.....to go to a hockey game with my parents...to volunteer my time in the service of the less fortunate....and I eagerly look forward to all that and more.



I thank God for unanswered prayers.


I'm alive and I'm free......who wouldn't want to be me?

Stupid Boy

I have had quite a few jobs in my life. My favorite one was being a library page. I did that for a few years in high school ( a family tradition) My sisters and I practically lived in that library. From an early age I loved to read. To me every new book was an adventure waiting to happen....some new bit of information to cram into my brain. When I had my turn to work there I used to love helping people find things. Even when I wasn't working you would find me there doing all kinds of research....( I told y'all I was a nerd....I actually liked researching and writing term papers). Reading and writing were a big part of my early years.....a big part of who I am....or at least who I was. I have spent the better part of the last three years denying that big part of me.

For the past few years I stopped reading (his ex "read all the time....never wanted to do anything with me") . I gave up something I loved to try to impress him....to show him that I thought he was more important. Ironic then that now that I have renewed my passion , my research and reading has led me to a greater awareness of just how wrong the whole "relationship" was.

He is a walking, breathing, classic textbook example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
And me? Well he couldn't have asked for a more perfect victim. My own emotional baggage made me just as dependant on his sick twisted patterns as he was. So who was the stupid one....him....or me?

I won't deny that we had fun......one of the hardest things for me right now is deciding what to do with all the good memories...the times that will always mean something special to me. But the painful truth is that I was just a means to an end for him....he didn't see me as I saw him....a person to love....to cherish. In fact the young one and I aren't even persons in his eyes. We have no more value or worth....so what does that say for the memories ???? And I can't escape the fact that I let this happen......the red flags were there but I turned a blind eye. I willingly gave up my identity to him. I served myself up on a silver platter and he ate until he had his fill.

So can I blame him for who he is or what he did if I let it happen? And can you hate a scorpion for being a scorpion?

I know where I came from and I know what I did wrong and I am on the road to changing my life for the better. Onward and upward....that's my motto. When you make a mistake....when you get knocked down...the mature , strong thing to do is dust yourself off......pick yourself up....and forge ahead stronger and (hopefully) smarter.

The thing about narcissists.....they know what they are doing.....they choose to remain that way anyway. So...yea...that does make him the stupid one.

It's Not Me, It's You

Open House at the young one's school last night........seems as if he's having some emotional "issues"....crying and expressing his thoughts about a certain someone who claimed to have cared about him.

And the narcissist a**hole is pissed at me because I returned all his things????????????


Oh, sorry.....I forgot.....he's perfectly healthy and I am the psycho bitch......and it's sooooo mean of me to write this since everyone knows how wonderful he is....just ask him, he'll tell you.

Suddenly I See

The song that became my prayer? " Hear Me "by Jim Brickman (sung by Michael Bolton)
The one word reply? Narcissism

I had heard that song dozens of times before...I am a big Jim Brickman fan although I had to hide that these past few years. But last Monday on my way home from a very important mission I really heard it for the first time. I had to stop the car. I couldn't even form the words to a proper prayer....all I could cry out was "Lord". The next day was when all hell broke loose. I had rattled the cage of the big bad dog and he wasn't happy. I was trying to protect my home and family and I guess he thought he owned the whole neighborhood. He had changed somehow I thought and I couldn't figure out why. He let me go....told me to move on....and when I did he attacked me with a vengence.

The next morning I awoke as ususal...got the young one off to school....checked my email. As I was about to turn off the computer, a word came to mind. It was a word I had heard before...even knew the meaning of....but I didn't know why I thought of it at that moment or why I turned back in my seat to punch it in to the computer. When the results came on the screen I suddenly knew ......it was the answer to my prayer.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wasn't the "crazy ex- girlfriend". It wasn't me who did anything wrong. Every web site I visited , every article I could find.......I kept expecting his picture to pop up. There is no "maybe" or "yea this could be him"....it was "oh my God....how could I have been so blind????" (and yes Bob, I remembered something you always used to say to me......you remember what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget)

But was I blinded by love.....or by a sickness of my own?

I was planning on dismantleing this blog....I didn't want to continue to allow him access to my life. But a trusted friend talked me out of it. She thinks I could do a lot of good with this blog now that I have a purpose. And no...the purpose is not to destroy him.....this newfound knowledge has given me a future....but it doesn't erase the past...a past that involved some very precious memories...and lingering feelings for him that I have yet to define. The purpose is to work through my mistakes and learn from them so I can learn to live again and to build a future for me and the young one that walks with me. I like that idea!

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

Someone recently asked me why God talks to some people and not to others. He asked if I thought God talked to me....and how do I know it's God? I think God speaks to all of us....only we don't always recognize His voice. We tend to expect a booming voice from the clouds when most of the time it's the tiniest whisper that comes from within. It's the truth spoken from a friend....it's a fragment of a dream.......it's a song on the radio.....it's a word you wake up with and don't know why. But you know it's God when you allow that whisper to take root and you act upon the wisdom it brings. I heard a song the other day that became an anguished prayer in a very desperate hour. The one word reply has led me to realize the truth. God doesn't tell us what we need to do (much like your mom would never do your homework for you) but He shows us where to find the answers. That one word He planted in my brain has opened my eyes to the truth....has opened the door to recovery....has saved me from despair.

I now know the reason why he acted like he did....the reason why he is acting like he is now....and the reason why he will never change.

I am learning the reasons why I seem to reject the sane ones and gravitate to the crazy ones and someday soon I will be whole and healthy and ready for what I know will be best for me and the one that walks with me.

The ones that need the medication will have to fend for themselves though. This psycho bitch can only save herself.

Goodbye Stranger

I'ts been nice....hope you find your paradise.

Nice sentiment but I know you won't. When the end began in late July, you were still telling me you needed to let it go "for a while". You thought about moving in together, buying a house, marriage....all those "grown up" things .....but felt you couldn't committ 100%. We had a very playful encounter that night too....the restaurant....your house....it was fun and imaginative. A very confusing night for me to say the least. I believed you because you had asked me so many hard and serious questions up until the very end (and by that I mean as late as last Tuesday). But it turns out that was a lie. You swore.....your mother swore....there was no one else....you weren't even looking as I recall you saying. You had no one in mind. Less than 3 weeks later though there is someone....and now everything has changed. You went from considering a warm loving adult relationship to embracing a "relationship" that consists of getting totally drunk and letting some girl half your age blow you.

So will the real Steve A. please stand up? Because the man I knew and loved for the past 2 1/2 years isn't the one who I see now. Everyone thinks the real you is the one you are now....that what we had was the fantasy that you just couldn't maintain anymore. And I have to believe they are right. I remember now what you were like before we dated....how arrogant and annoying you were at work. How childishly you behaved. I remember now at being surprised when we started dating how different you were. But you were only different with me. Everyone saw....they all knew you weren't capable of loving someone in an adult way. They tried to warn me....but you know I never listen.

I am Tinkerbell to your Peter Pan. Peter didn't love Tinkerbell (even though she always loved him...even when he was chasing after Wendy) Peter loved adventure.....and the thrill of never having any rules or responsibilities.....Peter loved himself. But Pan needed Tink.....because everyone knows the only way to fly was with faith, and trust, and Tink's pixiedust. You never loved me....but you needed me. You are like Pan.....selfish, immature, afraid of growing up. And you needed me to give to you that magic I possess ....you needed me to take care of you.
You may have found a new adventure....but she doesn't possess that pixiedust....and without it you will fall from the sky. You will crash and burn. She is just like you....another one of the "lost boys"....another childish, foolish lost soul without any hope of a future.....not wanting to grow up.
My young one is more mature and wise. When I finally told him the truth last night....told him everything.....( since you are even too immature to do it yourself)....his response?....."That's just silly!"

It Ain't Easy Being Me

I changed my mind. You definitely are!

123 Like a Bird I Sing...Free and Easy Down the Road I Go

A gift, ideally, says, "I thought about you. I considered your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants, your dreams and desires, and found you this token of my esteem that I hope will delight you."

Here's your freedom.......Merry Christmas!

If you never loved me for anything else, love me for this.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Ok all you boys and girls listen up cause I am about to go on a drunken rant and then I will be offline for a while (if the new reader is interested in any updates, he knows where to find me). I lost the light in the living room about an hour and a half ago so I am on the 3rd Corona. Needless to say the painting can wait till tomorrow. It's very yellow btw.....and I like yellow (if I can't use the towels at least I used the paint) My living room....my house...is shaping up nicely. I must say I do have a talent for design although I was offended about your remark about my house....as if to say that you were off enjoying your new girlfriend while I was home "cleaning" my house. I am creating a home....a haven.....a sanctuary....my little corner of the world. How dare you imply that I have nothing better to do with my time....you are out riding around with her where we have gone and where you promised me we still would (and my license is still on there btw....I would like it back)while I am here slaving away like I don't have a life or anything.
I have a lot to offer....more than anything someone so young can.....and if you can't see that (or choose not to see)then that's not my problem. You are the one who will be sorry someday......not me. I will still have my dreams.....my passions....my home....my love. I will be secure in the knowledge that I am smarter and stronger and more alive and that I am not afraid to take chances. I have no limitations. You might think she is more appealing because of her youth but you will soon see that as a liability instead of an asset. I possess the magic....the fire.....the mystery.....the very thing you really crave. I am like no other. You think my love for you is a weakness but that's only because you don't understand love. I actually feel sorry for you. You had everything and you gave it away. Your dad is right....you don't know anything. I am the one who has the key to life and love. I am the one. I am.

But I am not the one making a fool of myself.........you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror of truth. I am not the one afraid to stand on my own. I am not the one who refuses to accept responsibility. I am not the one so immature that I need to chase after someone half my age. (Aha...now I understand the attraction!)

You really do need to grow up.

When You Wish Upon A Star

Dear Kathleen,Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 27:Your natural exuberance is impossible to contain today, so strike up random conversations whenever the mood strikes and see where they lead. You may acquire a new friend, or even a new romance!



Okay so I really don't believe in fate or coincidence or any of that stuff...but I found this pretty amusing today.......mostly because it's so true. OK, I don't mean that to sound conceited or anything but I actually had the nerve today (before I read this) to ask someone something that has been on my mind . And I actually have found a new friend....and an ability I had forgotten I had. Sometimes a safe escape is all you need to kick start your self confidence. But I best be careful cause my Achilles heel is showing.

Horton Hears A Who

Another age old question for you.....if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it does it still make a sound?
You have always encouraged my writing but I am left to wonder why since my words really have no impact on you. My very survival right now depends on being heard but, like the Who's in Dr. Suess's story ,no one believes I exsist. I still maintain that I don't need you....but I realized during this long sleepless night that I do need you to hear me. I need you to understand who I am and why I do the things I do. I need to know that this wasn't all just wasted time....that at some point in time my love meant something to you. I am keenly aware that I have been a big disappointment to my family (my children included). I have never been able to live up to people's expectations of me. I was told early and often that my dreams, my ideas, my passions, my desires were silly and unrealistic. I never quite was what they wanted me to be. And yet inside of me I carried this yearning to be loved unconditionally. But it seemed like everyone I offered my love to only wanted what I could do for them....and I was good at that.....my greatest strength is my ability to love....my ability to empty myself into another. But the more I gave the more they expected of me....like they felt my purpose was to feed them....to comfort them...to provide security.....like I owed them that. My daughter used to say that I only loved her because I had to. But you don't have to love anyone. Love is a gift. It's not a contract that provides a set payment for set services. So I am not really complaining that people began to use me because I have never regretted giving my love to anyone....and up until now I never really felt the need for anything in return. To answer your question....yes I loved Pat at one time.....and I will have to admit that in a way I loved Dave too. But the loneliness and pain of those relationships revealed the dry river bed underneath. I was betrayed and tossed aside, told I was worthless, laughed at.....yet all I would need to do is pick up the phone and they would be only 2 on a list of people who would gladly have that second chance because they know what I can do for them.
There is something about you that I can't define. What was a river with them seems like an ocean with you. You are so wide and deep in me that I can't see the shore. I don't know how or when or even why it happened.....why I love you like I do....all I know is that I do. And I know this all means nothing to you but I have no way to hold back the waves. I just try my best to ride them out....sometimes I can....sometimes (like last night) I can't. I have always known you didn't love me like that.....you guard well within yourself any sign of emotion....but that didn't matter to me....it still doesn't. I only know one way to love and that's with everything I am. You know that, you've seen it......but it's not what you want. Telling me to move on....to forget about you is useless....that would be like telling me to cease to be.It's impossible. Someday you will be on that list too. Because you will come to realize what they have....that despite what my mother thinks....my dreams....my ideas...my passions...my desires ......are real. Only now......I want to be loved like that too.

Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

An age old question, I know. But do fools fall in love...or does love make you a fool?

I so enjoyed our conversations today. I had no idea you were just passing time until she got off work.

Don't You Want Somebody To Love?

It's Friday. I used to love Fridays... it was my favorite day of the week. During the day I loved the anticipation of being with the one I loved and, come evening, the anticipation gave way to excitement. I don't like Friday so much anymore. Saturdays were always nice too....but in a different way. Saturday brought the security and peace of knowing you weren't alone in this world. You had a partner, a witness to all the ordinary things that make a life. Sharing the work load, talking, laughing, ....all the simple things that mark most of our time here on earth. The Bible is filled with stories of God's intention that we travel in pairs. He formed man in His image and likeness but yet realized man was incomplete without a partner. He formed women in His image and likeness too....but we also possess that small part of man that God took away from him so that we are forever connected to each other.
You asked me once if you loved things about me was that the same as loving me? Well I have a question....is it you I love or is it who we are together that I love?

I Want a New Drug

Habits........everyone has them. That morning cup of coffee, that daily jog around the neighborhood, checking the locks before you go to bed at night, kissing your lover good night.....some habits are quite useful and satisfying...even good for you. Then there are the bad ones. The dark ones that torment us. The drugs we think we need to make it through the day.....or night. But there's a differance between habits and addiction. We control our habits....the addictions control us.
You quit me cold turkey....just walked away and didn't look back after 2 1/2 years.....like we never exsisted. You can live the rest of your life without talking to me.....without touching me.....without waking up next to me. No scratches....no scars.....no worse for wear.
I know that I don't need you.....I have been the master of my own fate for over 15 years now. I might have swung and missed a few times, but I always come back up to bat. ( and I don't even like baseball all that much). But I know that I want you. And the loss of the sound of your voice...the taste of your kisses......the feel of your skin next to mine is as real a pain as any an addict feels in withdrawl.

So are you my habit.....or my addiction?
Does it even really matter?

creamofchickensoupontoast

It occured to me that I have never explained exactly what the name of this blog signifies. You "older" readers know but for you "new" ones (and you know who you are) the memory might escape you. Everyone has that ultimate comfort food.....the thing you turn to when your appetite for life hits an all time low. For me it has always been cream of chicken soup on toast. It started in high school (long before I discovered Captain and Diet Coke) and has been my "drug of choice" since. It started with #44 ....and ended with #150. It's kind of been taken off my diet (128 for those of you counting at home and since you always do what you say you are going to do you know what I want when I hit that magic number). This blog has become my "ultimate comfort food" now. A way to seek solace without all the calories. Besides, I don't have a toaster anymore. ( I hear they make lovely parting gifts)
Anyway, I have been told I am good with words and ideas but really this is just a way for me to find peace with the emotional baggage I can't seem to ditch elsewhere. Funny thing about this blog though is that it's basically just a love song written for someone who can't dance from someone who's forgotten how to play the music. So the words might sound pretty...and sometimes even rhyme but the meaning has somehow been lost. I keep throwing them out there though in the hope that one day one word...one idea will take root and grow into the fruit that will feed both our souls. Now that's what I consider the "ultimate comfort food".

I Play Chicken With the Train

I couldn't see the river this morning when I crossed the bridge and it made me sad. Even though it's not "the" river I still lower the windows so I can smell the water and remember what it felt like to be on it with you. Those memories make me smile and help keep you alive inside of me. The fog was pretty thick and I was startled by the sharp whistle of a train passing beneath the bridge. The same track that ran behind the old house. I always found that sound comforting when I used to lie awake watching you sleep. I found myself wondering where it was headed. One track can lead to so many different places . I let my mind wander through the memories of all the places we have been and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer number of them. How did we manage to log all those miles....all those memories ...in such a brief time? The whistle was fading and I imagined you aboard the last car...in the doorway waving goodbye. I thought maybe I could outrun you to the next crossing...but damn this traffic!!! Then I remembered....I could fly! (All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixiedust). How could I have forgotten I had been flying all along? It was you who remained planted on firm ground...no matter how hard I tried to teach you to fly.
One thing I have always loved about you was your sense of adventure....your ability to push things to the limit...your willingness to take chances. But I realize now that the drawback to living on the edge is that you get so close but never quite take that leap of faith ....that last chance..... that undeniable high you get from just letting go and free falling into the great unknown. It's like you don't believe me when I say I can fly even though I have done it before. You deal with logic and concrete material things and you can't understand where my faith comes from...can't understand how I can just jump off that cliff ...can't trust something that can't be seen...can't be defined. And I can't understand how you can cling so tightly to firm ground even as the earth moves beneath you. I don't understand why you can't believe in someone...something ....bigger than yourself.....especially when that's what you are searching for. How can you hope to find something you aren't even sure you can believe in? You know I have the answers....that's why you ask me so many questions....so why don't you believe me when I tell you what it is you long to hear? Can the truth be that frightening to you? I never thought of you as afraid of anything....(ok maybe heights but I climbed the rickety old ladder to show you I can conquer my fears remember?) You are curious and smart ...you just need some faith...some trust.... and a little bit of...well you know what comes next.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Just because I cry easily people think I am weak. I don't understand. I don't run from anything....especially my feelings. I have stepped out into the great unknown more than once in my life and I have the scars to prove it. I know what I believe, I know what I imagine, and I know who and what I am....and I am not afraid to face the demons that tell me otherwise. I have the strength to dream, the strength to hope, the strength to face the young one's questions (even smile at some of his ideas to make things right)...I even had the strength to let go( when it was the last thing I ever wanted to do) because I knew it was the right thing to do. The tears are an outpouring of the emotion that runs deep within me....a testament to the love I carry for those who have touched my heart. I will never be ashamed of those tears because if they ever run dry that means the wellspring of love is gone too. So I will cry....I will grieve......I will forever miss what was once the source of my deepest happiness.....but I will collect these tears to water my love...to keep it alive until the one who is meant to find me does. Love is what makes me strong...and the more I give it, the stronger I am. That's what makes me stronger than you. More vulnerable....but definatly stronger.

Then Maybe You Should Have Asked

It's 2:00 a.m. I really wish I could sleep. The couch is uncomfortable and the young one has claimed the spare room. It's way too hot in his room. I stood in the doorway and thought about the big iron bed....but I just can't bear the thought of climbing in there alone yet. Maybe someday. Maybe never. It's just too soon to tell. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing while expecting a different result. I suppose I am as insane as one can get then. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. You can only give so much without getting anything in return for so long before you are completely empty. I did an old friend a favor today. I was happy to do it...for one instant I was needed again. I really thought the call was to wish me luck...to encourage me....to support me in my quest today, but another friend was on his mind. The other friend had his request granted(but you already knew that).....do you want to know if mine was?

Someday I'll finally accept that no one really cares.

We Now Return You To Our Regularly Scheduled Program Already In Progress

Funny, when you interupt Tv for breaking news, most people are annoyed. Who cares what's going on in the world when Dr. Hunk and Nurse Cleavage are doing it in the supply closet? The breaking news is only important to the newsreaders who get some extra air time. When the show returns all is right with the world once more.
My life was recently interupted. Only now that it's being returned to me all is definitly not right with the world. The news told of devestation and despair with a heavy personal toll. People got hurt....it was an ugly ugly scene. Nothing will be the same in that sleepy little town. Forces of nature can be so unforgiving. I feel like I must do something but I am powerless to help. I can only sit in my chair filled with sadness and pain. The show has returned but I am distracted. I cannot follow the storyline....nothing makes sense to me anymore. I am haunted by the images of the horror I have just witnessed. I was always taught that if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem....but I can't solve this. That leaves only one other option. I AM the problem.
I should have heeded the alarm when the storm approached and run for shelter. But I faced the wind and the rain. What was worse is that I held on to him too tightly preventing him from seeking shelter too.....forcing him to endure the storm's fury. So now it's over. No word on whether we can rebuild. Too soon for that....first things first. Come in out of the rain....dry off....rest a while....assess the damage. Decide if this is a safe place to stay. All I can offer is space, prayers,apologies, and plenty of yellow towels if you need them.

Hold Still This Might Sting a Little

I was a clumsy child (most lefties are) and I was always falling and skinning my knees. My mom, or the school secretary as the case may be,would douse it with iodine and cover it with a band aide with strict instructions to leave it alone. Of course as soon as their backs were turned, I would lift the band aide to inspect the wound. When the scab formed I was even worse...picking at it and peeling it off before it had a chance to heal properly. Consequently my knees bear plenty of scars.
I am just as clumsy with love. Some of you reading this might say it's my own fault. Just like a child running with wild abandon on the playground I go chasing after love without careful consideration....just letting my heart run free......often falling....often getting hurt. And I still never learned my lesson about leaving things alone. I poke and prod and pick until I've made things far worse. Emotional wounds take longer to heal than physical ones and the scars are deeper and uglier. So I don't know why I torture myself...or you for that matter.
I guess I look at it a differant way though. Just like the scars on my knees never slowed me down or killed my sense of adventure, the scars on my heart remind me that some things are so special in life as to be worth all the pain you endure just trying to reach them.

You are one of those things.

A Stranger in a Strange Land

Judging by the lack of comments recently I think it's safe to say that nobody is reading this anymore. It's like shouting at the edge of a canyon....all you hear is your own echo. Maybe it's better this way.... a chance to release some of the crushing weight of the pain with no audience to witness the humiliation. A chance to be brutaly honest.....with myself......about myself.

It's been exactly 15 years to the day when my life ended. All that I was.....all that I ever wanted to be......died with one "we have to talk". And I had to hear something I already knew but that I had chosen to bury so deep inside. A pain so severe that none of us have ever recovered. I tried to forge a new life in a world I didn't recognize. I was trying not to drown but I had no life jacket and the waves were so high and powerful. I grabbed the first rope thrown me but I lost my charges in the sea. It turns out none of us were safe anyway. That rope turned out to be a noose around the young one's throat. So off into the sea I went again. This time it was even worse. I had no compass....no way to know where I was going. I was sure I learned how to swim.....but I could barely tread water. And the weight I carried was complicating things further. I couldn't see the shore....couldn't even remember which direction it was in. And all the while there were the vultures overhead....taunting me....waiting for me to fail so they could feast on my remains.But I struggled on.
A second rope was offered and this one was more welcoming. But I was tired from my ordeal and numb all over. The rest did me good but the respite didn't last. And then you came along, quite out of the blue, offering adventure , excitement...and most importantly....friendship. Once again I was swept away.
Steven, you came into my life unexpectantly. I had been lost and alone for some time. True I had recovered my lost charges....and the sea was relativly calm by then....but I was still so far from home. I was exsisting...not really living. There was something inside of me still searching for reason to believe there was a place for me in this world. You filled my emptiness so quickly and so completly. Your friendship was unlike anything I had ever known before with a man. And I fell....boy did I fall. You filled my life with laughter and gave me what I thought was a safe place to land. I was happy for the first time in so long. I have done more, seen more, experienced more in these short few years than I ever had before. But more importantly, I felt like I was home. I had a place.....an identity... a partner in life and love. You touched my heart and soul and there were times, when we made love, that I truly felt so one with you and the universe that it made me shiver. And I couldn't understand why no one was happy for me.
I guess it's true that people can be so blinded by love that they never see the danger....never see the train come barrelling down the tracks. But they saw it all too clear. I guess love makes you deaf too because I never heard their cries of warning.
So now that I have been hit by the train , and the wreckage lays scattered on the tracks, I wonder if I will ever recover again. I wonder a lot of things. I wonder why ......
So many questions but so few answers.
One thing the train wreck did was to open my eyes and ears. And I have to ask myself to honestly evaluate what I see and hear. What I see are the many reminders of the love I thought I had found with you. There's not a room in this house (hell, even this house itself) that doesn't bear your presence in my life. What I see is an empty bed.
What I hear is more difficult to pin down...because I hear so many conflicting things....and what I don't hear is even more difficult to bear. You say you miss me.....you say you love me....but you say you don't want me. What does this all mean for me? I try so hard to hear the heartbeat of hope in what you say much like all those times I lay awake with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. And I wonder what it is you miss. Will you miss the way I kissed you everytime we crossed a state line? Will you miss the way I ran my fingers along your back after we made love? Will you miss all those mornings drinking coffee and watching the weather channel?......all those goodnight calls?......the way I touched your face?....my lousy sense of direction? I just don't know. Something in the way I am.....the things I say and do makes you unhappy. But what that is only you know. I always told you I loved you every night because I didn't want you to ever have to wonder how I feel about you......because uncertainty is the hardest thing to take.
You tell me you don't expect me to wait for you to decide. But after 2 years what is there to decide? Should I hear.....hey I'm really still thinking about you here....or should I hear you might as well get on with your life cause I'm done here.? All I know is that you will have no problem moving on and that scares me.You have a fabulous life waiting.... a family who really loves you....friends.....toys to fill your time. All that has now been taken away from me...so what "life" am I supposed to get on with? I really thought I was a big part of your life too. But now I don't know.
I don't know anything except I love you and I just can't turn that off. And I know that because I love you I have to let you go. You've done this before but you've always come back. This time you took all your things and I have to ask myself if you are ever coming back to me. I am scared and confused. I wonder if you picked this weekend because you wanted me to be angry with you....you wanted me to hate you...so that it would be easier on you, and me, because you know you won't be back. I also wonder if I can trust you with my heart again....wow you don't know how hard it was to just write that.
There's a line to a song that always makes me cry when I hear it.......I don't want to lose you....but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side....and I don't want to hate but I don't want to take you and I don't want to be the one to cry.........there's a danger in loving somebody too much and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
Maybe it's me I can't trust with my heart.