Lost in Space

It has been quite a while since I last posted. Time flies when you are having fun.I guess I was too busy living my life to sit down and write about it. That's a good thing isn't it? Anyway, the biggest news is my daughter gave birth to a beautiful little girl of her own. She is the sweetest thing too. Her big brother is very excited about having a little sister....but if she's anything like her mother was he might change his mind about that in a few years. Let's see...what else...Brian made the honor roll in his first 9 weeks of high school! He's finally getting used to his new routine...which is good because I am not really a morning person either and 6 o'clock comes pretty early. And as for the other boys....well they are busy with new jobs. Although I think they think this grown-up thing is way over rated. Well, that's about if for now. Maybe I will have something witty to say on another day...today I am just too tired.

39:21

Well I did it! Ran the 5k in the Great Race on Sunday. And I owe it all to my personal trainer. When I got this idea in my head in April, I couldn't even make a quarter lap. Some days he had to drag me around the track and there were many times I thought I would never make it to this point, but bad knee and all, I did it. So now that's one dream I can now count as reality. Next year we go for under 30 minutes....and after that...it's on to the 10k.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Just Like B

So we went to Open House last night at the high school. I was so impressed with what B has acomplished so far. He seems to know everybody already...which doesn't surprise me. He made his way through the building with only one wrong turn. His teacher said he is adjusting well but tends to talk too much ( gee I wonder where he gets that from ). Most of what he is doing is review work so all his papers were good. They are using a different reading program than the one I was using but it's the same general principle so he's doing well there. But the math system is new to him ...although he is adapting well. I don't regret homeschooling him these past few years but it is so nice to see him making his way in a larger community. My biggest fear still though is that he will start to see himself as different as most of the other kids. And then I'll have to have the conversation with him that I have long dreaded. I realize that on some level he has always known he is different but he's never appeared to be bothered by it. But then again.. that's the beauty of that pure love that he possesses. No matter what anyone says or does...he loves them...they are his "friends'. He amazes me.

The Best Road Trip Ever

I had the most amazing adventure this past weekend. I toured Civil War battle sites, explored the Battleship North Carolina, drank Corona's on a rooftop bar, even put my feet in the ocean in the face of Hurricane Ophelia...but the thing that made it so amazing was the company I was with. I can't remember ever having such a fun traveling companion. Everything I saw, everything I experienced was so much more enjoyable because I was with a true friend. And that is the difference between just passing the time and actually making memories. And all adventures should be memorable.

This Should Be Fun

So can you ever be too old to go on an adventure?

Threshold of a Dream

Sorry...back to Moody Blue's songs. I get slammed here for being selfish and thinking I am the center of the universe but I kind of thought that was what a blog was for...to post your thoughts...talk about your life...to share your hopes and dreams. You see, I spent a good deal of my life devoting all my energies to raising my children and trying to be a good daughter...usually at great personal cost. At an early age I learned that dreams seldom come true...at least that was what my mother told me. I know that as we age our dreams change too but we should never stop dreaming. And we should never put down another's dreams either. With all my heart I hope my children's dreams all come true. My daughter and son-in-law will soon welcome a new baby into their hearts and home...to add to the beautiful family they have already started....and my prayer is that all their hopes and dreams will be realized. Life is good for them. As for my sons...well the youngest is looking forward to starting high school ....the middle one will be legal real soon...and the oldest is searching for his place in the world. If they keep dreaming life will be good for them also. Because I have found that it is the dream that gives us hope...the dream is what drives us to become all we are meant to be. One of the greatest gifts God gave us was the ability to dream...the will to become what He has called us to be. I believe I was called to be a mother...especially to my youngest...and I tried to be the best mother I knew how to be. No one could have ever loved them more than I do. I also tried to be a good daughter and sister. I have never denied any request for help...I have always loved them...always been there when they needed me no matter what the cost. But for so many years I have been on my own with no one to depend on but God Himself. He's had to drag me kicking and screaming through some very tough times but I think He was trying to strenghen me...knowing that the tough times weren't over yet. All the while I just kind of exsisted.....just happy to get through another day. And then one day it all changed...or rather I changed. All of a sudden it wasn't enough to merely survive...I knew I wanted to live. My daughter calls it a mid-life crisis...and there are others who think they know why I changed...or rather for whom I changed. But they are all wrong. I simply learned how to dream again. I lost 30 pounds...because I want to live to see my grandchildren. My dream is to see them grow and prosper. I started running again...because I enjoy it. My dream is to compete someday. I started saving money...because I want to go to Italy. My dream is to walk the paths of St. Francis and St. Anthony. And I made a friend...because he believes in me. My dream is to be a friend to him too.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

It seems as if I piqued someone's interest when I wrote the post about what was best for me. Seeing as this is a safe place for all those anonymous posters out there to express their views, I will ask that question myself. What do you think is best for me? Seriously... I want to know. Tell me what you think I need to know. Where do I go from here? And if you are interested...and you ask real nice...maybe I'll tell you what's really going on in my life.

Blue and Yellow Make Green...What Is Green?

Money...lettuce...trees...grass...traffic lights. So green can't be all that bad...right? Green never used to be one of my favorite colors but I have found that it is the color of some of my favorite things. Green is the sign of life and of hope. It was chosen for grass, trees, and leaves. Without it all things would die. And it all starts with both blue and yellow. So was it a bad idea to mix blue and yellow? I am not a chemist but I do know a beautiful color when I see one.Blue and yellow can stand on their own...but when they come together every shade of green is possible.

What's Best For Me

Let's see....oatmeal, brussell sprouts, spinich...that's what's best for the heart that beats in my body. But chocolate, cream of chicken soup on toast, love....that's what is best for the heart that sustains my soul. So when you ask me what is best for me , which heart do you mean? And can you really live with only one and not the other?

Everyone to their corners

I really am tired of all this conflict. There isn't a single person who's posted so far that hasn't benefited from my love and compassion and forgivness. If you all think you are protecting me somehow or defending me somehow remember this....I am a big girl and I realize that the deeper you love the deeper you get hurt. But that won't ever stop me from trying. And if you are just posting to be mean and you don't really care how I feel then just go away. But there's also not a single person who's posted that hasn't hurt me somehow either so I think I should be the one to decide how to handle my heart. I have made a lot of mistakes in the name of love and I am sure I will continue to do so because I never have quite learned how to balance my head and heart. Maybe I never will...but that makes me who I am. All I know is that the love I give is always totally and completly from my heart...and I don't ask for anything in return. I am not going to lie and say it wouldn't be nice to be able to count on that kind of love in return...but that's not why I do the things I do. I know the power that drives my love and I know I must allow it free reign. Because I know that it's only through His passion that we have any hope.

Bring On the Rain

So can there now be any doubt about the insanity of my life? These comments on my posts are getting way out of line. I don't need an umbrella, I need full body armour. I try to go out...maybe take a nice little spin around the block...and I get blasted from all sides. To the only anonymous that matters to me all I have to say is thanks for laying your coat down over the puddles. For the rest of you...well bring on the rain.

Play Nice

The thing I miss most about my life is the feeling of peace. It's almost like this storm raging overhead me all the time. Every time I think the sun is about to shine and I put down my umbrella the sky opens up again. I know life isn't fair ( how can it be? ) but I really could use some sun....or a bigger umbrella.

Everything old is new again

There's a saying that goes "if you keep something long enough it always comes back in style". Kinda makes me wish I kept some of my high school clothes! But that's not my point. My point is ....is there anything new out there that doesn't already exsist? Even King Solomon in biblical times lamented that "there's nothing new under the sun". If God's love is constant (as I believe it is), then does that mean everything we need is contained in a circle... a ring that never ends? So all our hopes...our dreams...our desires...our love that we send out returns to us as it completes the circle? Or is it that all our hopes, dreams. desires, and love must be held onto and it's God's love that moves them along? I like to believe that it is God's love that passes through us that gives us the strength to let go of our love knowing that He will return it to us over and over again. So nothing is ever lost...everything is always renewed.

Make me understand

because I don't.

Life's been good to me so far

There aren't too many Moody Blues fans out there so I'll switch to Joe Walsh.....do you ever wonder what keeps us going despite all odds? Is it just a matter of simple biology (the longing to survive) or is it mind over matter(the longing to live)? Because there is a definite difference between surviving and living. Or is it a matter of deciding who or what we are living for? Let's face it...most of us can't complain ...I mean we live in a country where even the poorest of us would be considered wealthy by most of the world's standards. Yet we still do. We complain about everything as if our lives are a burden instead of a gift. So what makes us want to go on living? I think that no matter how bad things get we know deep down that there is so much more that is good...too bad so many people are willing to overlook that fact.

Comfort food

Well I am happy to say that I have survied the worst day of my life. Hurray for me!Although I will be making an early stop at the grocery store tomorrow. I can make 125 some other time.

Time for something new

It's really strange when you have spent your whole life doing something...being someone and then that life comes to an end and you stand there and wonder what to do next. You ask yourself who am I and where do I want to go now? Some people never answer that question and live out the remainder of their lives in the past. Some people just take off and never look back. But sometimes you can't completly shake off the past...sometimes you have to find a new life in the shadow of the old one. The only problem with living in the shadow is that you never see the sun...you know it's there but you can't quite see it. So maybe it's like sewing two pieces of fabric together....side by side...just keep adding new pieces until someday you have a beautiful quilt. Yea...I like the sound of that. I think I will start with a blue piece.

Isn't Life Strange?

Ok...so I sound like a Moody Blues song but bear with me. I know only a select few read this so now that I have a captive audience I have something to say. Since no one really asked how I feel or what I think I have been keeping relativly quiet but everyone else has something to say...so why not join in the discussion? All my life I have been expected to put others first. I haven't always made the best choices but what I did was done out of love and concern for my family. There is no one who can honestly say that my children didn't come first in my life. The choices I made (good or bad) were always made with what I thought were the best of intentions. Would I have done things differently? Maybe...but you can't rewrite the past. Life is not easy...but it's not a spectator sport either. You have to just dive right in and sink or swim. Alot of life involves learning as you go. And all we can ask of ourselves is to be forgiving . No one has all the answers and no one is right all the time...at least not on earth. I can't help but wonder though if I was ever right. I tried the best I knew how to raise my children with love and kindness and respect. But maybe I failed to teach them that life is messy and unpredictable and other people aren't always going to be nice to you, aren't always going to do what you want them to do.....but you love them anyway. Because that is what love is. It's celebrating with them when they are happy and riding out the storms with them when the sky is dark. Because there are always dark times in our lives. Love isn't controlling others...it's not a means of extortion. When you love someone what you are doing is accepting them for who and what they are...all their assests and all their liabilities. It's looking at the world through their eyes sometimes too and learning more about ourselves in the process. It's a way of saying...I am not perfect and it's okay if you aren't perfect either. Lately people have been standing in line to point out my faults. And if you think that doesn't hurt me you are wrong. I am no different than you...I want and need to be accepted for who I am. A part of me will always feel like a mother...but there is so much more to me than that. Every day is a new day...a new chapter to a book that is constantly being written. My life didn't end when yours began . There is still so much for me to see and do...still so much for me to live for. There is one important thing I think i forgot to teach you and that is that happiness is up to you...no person can make you happy....you choose to be happy or not....just as you choose to be forgiving or not. I am happy to have shared my life with you guys and I love you all very much . Have I always been happy with your choices?...no but that doesn't change my love for you. I admit that at first I was upset that you all were giving me such a hard time because I was happy and I couldn't understand why you weren't happy for me even though you weren't happy with the situation. But that's another thing about love...you love someone because you do...not because you expect them to love you back. And I do love you all. Maybe someday you will understand.

I Didn't Know You Cared

Wow....nice to see I am so popular. Too bad I live so far away.

Is Anyone Out There?

Just testing.........