Working for a Living

I rarely talk about work here because, quite frankly, I wish I didn't have to. No truck load of money is stopping at this address so I guess I'll always have that "daily grind". But today made me realize that working can be rewarding sometimes. I was in great demand today and it actually felt good to be needed. Maybe it's the fact that my opinion is respected, at least professionally, that has me in such a good mood today....or maybe it's just that it's finally spring. Either way this was the first day in a long time that I came home from work in good spirits. I actually felt like I accomplished something. I don't usually feel that way. I usually struggle to discern what my place is in this world.....I never feel like I even have one. Out side of my youngest dependant, I never felt like anyone needed me. It's nice to be needed......but I think I still would rather be wanted than needed.

Are We There Yet?

I'd like to say we are at a crossroads, unfortunatly, from where I stand it looks more like I am facing a brick wall. Now I think it's been well documented that I have a poor sense of direction but I know enough to definatly say this isn't the road I am supposed to be traveling. It's not that I expected a garden path covered with rose petals, complete with bluebirds and butterflies leading the way to a magnificent sunset ( I was happy with a dark, wet Interstate 90 in a Red Rio) but this winding path I am on is getting steep and way too narrow for two to navigate safely. And the nightmares hiding behind the trees are advancing quickly....ready to rob me of any sweet dreams I have left.

I'm not Irish....but if I'm lucky, St. Patrick will drive the snake off my path on his feast day this year. Then he and St. Jude can have a nice long talk with St. Anthony about helping me find the love that I have seemed to misplaced.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

When push comes to shove, I think I need to learn to push back. Nice guys may finish last but at least they are still in the race. But by being a doormat, even the "nice guys" walk all over me. I guess I thought that the nicer I was, the more I would gain. You know...the whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing. Lately, however, my whole perspective on life has been greatly challanged.
I really have only one regret in life. All the other "mistakes" I can say I am grateful for since I have gained at least a small measure of wisdom from them. But the wisdom means nothing if it lies dormant....overruled by the heart. And that is the crux of my problem. I've always let my heart lead me where it wants to go-even when it wandered down some pretty dark alleys. And l have been mugged a few times there.
The first time...the second time.....even the third time....I meekly handed over my dignity and pride hoping I wouldn't get hurt in the process. Well now the knife is once again aimed at my heart and I have to choose......fight or flight? Normally I would just hand over whatever was demanded of me. But I suddenly feel defiant. I have traveled so far, lost so much already. What right do you have to rob me of what I deserve to keep?....of what I have worked so hard to build? You like to think you can always win because you are bigger and stronger (at least physically) but never underestimate the underdog. I have power that you don't understand....strength that surpasses yours.

You're lucky that no one trusts ME with knives.