A Stranger in a Strange Land

Judging by the lack of comments recently I think it's safe to say that nobody is reading this anymore. It's like shouting at the edge of a canyon....all you hear is your own echo. Maybe it's better this way.... a chance to release some of the crushing weight of the pain with no audience to witness the humiliation. A chance to be brutaly honest.....with myself......about myself.

It's been exactly 15 years to the day when my life ended. All that I was.....all that I ever wanted to be......died with one "we have to talk". And I had to hear something I already knew but that I had chosen to bury so deep inside. A pain so severe that none of us have ever recovered. I tried to forge a new life in a world I didn't recognize. I was trying not to drown but I had no life jacket and the waves were so high and powerful. I grabbed the first rope thrown me but I lost my charges in the sea. It turns out none of us were safe anyway. That rope turned out to be a noose around the young one's throat. So off into the sea I went again. This time it was even worse. I had no compass....no way to know where I was going. I was sure I learned how to swim.....but I could barely tread water. And the weight I carried was complicating things further. I couldn't see the shore....couldn't even remember which direction it was in. And all the while there were the vultures overhead....taunting me....waiting for me to fail so they could feast on my remains.But I struggled on.
A second rope was offered and this one was more welcoming. But I was tired from my ordeal and numb all over. The rest did me good but the respite didn't last. And then you came along, quite out of the blue, offering adventure , excitement...and most importantly....friendship. Once again I was swept away.
Steven, you came into my life unexpectantly. I had been lost and alone for some time. True I had recovered my lost charges....and the sea was relativly calm by then....but I was still so far from home. I was exsisting...not really living. There was something inside of me still searching for reason to believe there was a place for me in this world. You filled my emptiness so quickly and so completly. Your friendship was unlike anything I had ever known before with a man. And I fell....boy did I fall. You filled my life with laughter and gave me what I thought was a safe place to land. I was happy for the first time in so long. I have done more, seen more, experienced more in these short few years than I ever had before. But more importantly, I felt like I was home. I had a place.....an identity... a partner in life and love. You touched my heart and soul and there were times, when we made love, that I truly felt so one with you and the universe that it made me shiver. And I couldn't understand why no one was happy for me.
I guess it's true that people can be so blinded by love that they never see the danger....never see the train come barrelling down the tracks. But they saw it all too clear. I guess love makes you deaf too because I never heard their cries of warning.
So now that I have been hit by the train , and the wreckage lays scattered on the tracks, I wonder if I will ever recover again. I wonder a lot of things. I wonder why ......
So many questions but so few answers.
One thing the train wreck did was to open my eyes and ears. And I have to ask myself to honestly evaluate what I see and hear. What I see are the many reminders of the love I thought I had found with you. There's not a room in this house (hell, even this house itself) that doesn't bear your presence in my life. What I see is an empty bed.
What I hear is more difficult to pin down...because I hear so many conflicting things....and what I don't hear is even more difficult to bear. You say you miss me.....you say you love me....but you say you don't want me. What does this all mean for me? I try so hard to hear the heartbeat of hope in what you say much like all those times I lay awake with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. And I wonder what it is you miss. Will you miss the way I kissed you everytime we crossed a state line? Will you miss the way I ran my fingers along your back after we made love? Will you miss all those mornings drinking coffee and watching the weather channel?......all those goodnight calls?......the way I touched your face?....my lousy sense of direction? I just don't know. Something in the way I am.....the things I say and do makes you unhappy. But what that is only you know. I always told you I loved you every night because I didn't want you to ever have to wonder how I feel about you......because uncertainty is the hardest thing to take.
You tell me you don't expect me to wait for you to decide. But after 2 years what is there to decide? Should I hear.....hey I'm really still thinking about you here....or should I hear you might as well get on with your life cause I'm done here.? All I know is that you will have no problem moving on and that scares me.You have a fabulous life waiting.... a family who really loves you....friends.....toys to fill your time. All that has now been taken away from me...so what "life" am I supposed to get on with? I really thought I was a big part of your life too. But now I don't know.
I don't know anything except I love you and I just can't turn that off. And I know that because I love you I have to let you go. You've done this before but you've always come back. This time you took all your things and I have to ask myself if you are ever coming back to me. I am scared and confused. I wonder if you picked this weekend because you wanted me to be angry with you....you wanted me to hate you...so that it would be easier on you, and me, because you know you won't be back. I also wonder if I can trust you with my heart again....wow you don't know how hard it was to just write that.
There's a line to a song that always makes me cry when I hear it.......I don't want to lose you....but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side....and I don't want to hate but I don't want to take you and I don't want to be the one to cry.........there's a danger in loving somebody too much and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
Maybe it's me I can't trust with my heart.

Dancing with the devil

Dark clouds rolled across the evening sky. A summer storm was brewing. A violent one by the look of it. She turned away from the window as a shiver ran down her spine. Something else was lurking out there too...she could sense it. It had been there for some time now, just out of sight. Swift, silent, sinister.
She pushed her uneasiness aside though as she usually did and settled back into her chair. She picked up her knitting , absently counting stitches. "Damn" she thought, "it's wrong again." For months she had been struggling with this project. It was for someone very special to her and she wanted it to be perfect. "Why can't I do this?" she asked herself softly.
The wind was picking up now. She heard the windchimes on the back porch singing their songs. She heard a slight tapping noise too that she found rather odd. Maybe the new screen she put in the door was loose. She got up to check it. She hadn't bothered to turn on the kitchen light so it was dark and she was startled to see him there at the door.
"Oh hi! Why didn't you just use your key?" she asked.
"I wasn't sure you were home." he replied.
"Wait here" she told him, "I need to do something first."
He sat down at the kitchen table while she ran into the living room to hide the project she left in the chair. She didn't want him to see it until it was finished. Her mind was racing though....her car was in the driveway....it was raining...the young one was home tonight....where else would she be? But a visit in the middle of the week was rare so she was happy he was there.
She returned to the kitchen only to realize in horror that it had slipped in with him. That unseen thing that had been lurking outside. It perched itself on the table sneering at her. He was speaking to her but all she heard was that thing's evil hoarse whisper. "I've waited most patiently for this moment. You and your kind think that your weapon is powerful. But mine is powerful too and I am about to destroy you."
Surprised and confused, she tried to turn her attention back to him. He was still speaking... but what was he saying? it was behind her now hissing into her ear. "I have cultivated this one well. You are no match for him, he is bigger and stronger than you are. You will be crushed."
He was still talking. "I'm just not sure what I want from life........I'm not being fair to you.....I just want a break to do my own thing for a while...."
What? What's happening here? She didn't understand.
"It's not you....there's something wrong with me.....I don't know why you want to hang around with me anyway.....I drive you crazy....make your head hurt..."
it was rolling in the floor now in a fit of pure ecstasy.
"I just want to see what's over the next hill....besides I don't think I even know what love is."
The words kept pummeling her, hurting her in a way far worse than possible with physical blows.
"See I told you" it hissed. "you fool, you thought you were teaching him but he's already learned my lessons well. It's every man for himself. Your words are useless."
It was then that she realized she was speaking to him too although she couldn't remember what she was saying. Something about life and love...trying desperatly to get him to change his mind and make him stay...with no success. Suddenly she knew the fight wasn't with him. This cruelty, this lack of compassion was mirrored from it. And it was right....it was powerful. And even though she now knew and understood the battlefield, she felt helpless. She was so small and insignificant....how could she fight it ? She couldn't stop the tears from blinding her. Her arms limp at her sides, she absorbed the blows one after another.
Lightening flashed. The storm intensified.
"Really" it sneered, "I thought you would put up more of a fight. I am deeply disappointed. Come now, if you won't defend yourself let me show you how." it was pressed against her back now lifting both arms. "Tell him what a bastard he is!" it's breath hot in her ears. "tell him how much you hate him for what he is doing to you, especially now. That shouldn't be hard - after all he's breaking your heart...and the young one's too. Scream, yell, tell him how ungrateful he is after all you have done for him. Jerk....fool....swine....you fancy yourself as being good with words.....it should be easy to go on for quite some time."
Her head was spinning. Why was it so dark? Why did she feel so all alone and exposed? Why was she powerless to resist? She opened her mouth and words she didn't recognize spilled forth. The storm raged on, the thunder crashed like broken glass around her. Broken glass??? Green broken glass???? Shards and slivers at her feet. The realization of what she had done shamed her. She turned to face it but it was no longer there. She turned back to him. Now it was her turn to be sorry. Beauty they had both admired and shared lay in pieces between them.

There was only silence now....the storm had moved on. The sky was still dark, but calm. She placed her hand softly on his cheek and in doing so realized she had won after all. It wasn't her heart that needed defended...it was his. It didn't matter if he loved her or not. What mattered was that she loved him for no other reason but that she just did. She was already loved by the only ONE who mattered and she had been given the chance to wrap her love around his heart until that time that he can believe what she is saying is true. If the price of that chance was pain she'll gladly pay it.
He's ready to go now and she knows she must let him leave. She kisses him gently on the mouth and places something in his hand. A small silver cross she has worn since the day he gave it to her. She's returning it , not out of anger like he thinks, but out of love. When he sees it he will know where she learned of love and where she found the courage to face what was lurking in the shadows ready to devour both their hearts. He is safe now even though he was unaware of the danger. He's barely out of the driveway and she misses him so profoundly that it brings her to her knees. She knows there will be dark days ahead, filled with sorrow tears and pain....but at least there won't be anything lurking in the shadows.

I Walk the Line

I was recently asked "where do you draw the line?" I didn't have a very good answer at the time but now I think I need to ask a question of my own first. What are we drawing the line with? If we are drawing the line in the sand, then a lot depends on the tide. If we are drawing the line with pencil, it can easily be erased. Pens...now you might still see a faint reminder but they too can be erased. Chalk washes away, I don't have much luck with paint turning out the way I want, crayons are hard to come by in this house....well you can see my dilema. It's hard to draw a line you can't guarentee will last. And another thing.....are we together on the same side....or do you picture us on opposite sides? (sorry for the unauthorized use of the "we" word....I know I'm not supposed to use it) Are we talkiing about crossing it....or walking it? AND WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO DRAW A LINE AT ALL????????? Okay....I realize that's more than one question. It's just that I've played this game before and as I recall I was a big loser in it. I'll make a deal with you though.....you give me a permanet marker and I'll write you a new story.