Although I greatly appreciate the way my family and friends have banded together to help me sew up the tear in the fabric of my life, I was looking forward to testing the "patch" this weekend. I decided it was time to strike out on my own for 48 hours. No trips with the grandchildren......no "girls night out".......no sister face time.
The Penguins did their part Friday night ( don't tell Meghan but my opinion has changed concerning Sabourin) Some flannel pj's, total control of the remote, great hockey......the only thing missing were the Corona's calling me from the basement.
Saturday started out great too... even though it took me 2 hours to donate 1 pint of blood!!!!!!!(and btw.......never wear a white shirt when you go to donate blood) I haven't cried in quite a while so I decided it was time to complete that one errand I had been putting off for too long.....the fabric store. The walls have been painted......the rug has been in place.....and finally the perfect couch has been purchased...so it was time to buy the fabric for the chair that was supposed to be the next new project we tackled together. I realized in the parking lot that I had forgotten the ceramic tile that I had picked out for the coffee table ( I am into furniture making now too...lol....hey what can I say....if you can't find what you want, make it yourself) No excuses though....I can still bring home swatches. Get out of the car and on with your life.
Walking through the aisles was pretty surreal at first......you kind of expect to turn the corner and have him there in the next aisle checking out the patterns and offering an opinion. So familiar and yet so foreign. After a few minutes though I realized I could do this....could visit the places that remind me of him and survive quite well. I didn't even come close to crying when I was handed some bright new pennies in change there ( I swear God has a sense of humor...everywhere I go anymore I get shiny new pennies). Yes, life is good. Another hockey game tonight (only I won't have ignore the Corona's tonight).......no distractions....I can finish my book before the game. Only, I decided to clean the young one's room first. When I was sorting his movies, I realized I never saw his video from summer camp yet. So I popped it in the dvd player.
I will never be able to find the right words to use to express what it has been like these last 18 years living with Brian. The love, the laughter, the pain, the fear. But the images of Brian and his friends....of the campers and their caregivers.....the music they chose as the soundtrack to their lives....I couldn't hold back the tears.
And yet.......it wasn't sad. They were all happy and loving....not a care in the world. I had to ask myself why was I crying??????? This was what life is supposed to be about....about friends and family....about caring and compassion. Seeing the face of God in everyone.
What is sad I suppose is that there are so many cruel and uncaring people in this world who think so little of the love that is manifest in Brian and his friends. The kind of people who would rather live in darknesss than embrace the light that radiates from their gentle, innocent souls.
Matthew Chapter 25 verses 31-40
I don't believe in coincidence.
I believe it's never too late though.
John Chapter 4 verses 7-41
I am the woman at the well. I have walked in the darkness too.....
All we have to do is ask.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
On the Road to Find Out
The answer lies within
So why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
Pick up, pick up a good book now...........Cat Stevens
I think it was Socrates that said "the unexamined life is not worth living". Everybody at some point in time has to ask themselves some very hard questions. Their very survival depends on the answers they find.
He always used to ask me why I was so nice. I told him I didn't know any other way to be. So it puzzles me why he thinks the advice I have given him recently was intended as an insult. The road to hell is paved with good intentions........and I realize that , even though I wanted him to see the truth, it wasn't my place to point that out to him. Some things we are better off dealing with on our own. Some conversations are best left between ourselves and God. But they are conversations we must have. We are all created in God's image and likeness......our core...our soul was created to be in union with the Creator. Life has a way of drowning out that small still voice of our conscience that cries out for peace and happiness.
We are all called.......but it's up to us to answer that call or not.
The "niceness" he spoke of is just the image and likeness of God that resides in me. I myself.....without God.....am just an empty shell. So now is the time for me to ask the questions.....to examine my life.....to find the answer that God has already buried in my heart like a treasure.
Death is always necessary for a resurrection........Fulton Sheen
So why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
Pick up, pick up a good book now...........Cat Stevens
I think it was Socrates that said "the unexamined life is not worth living". Everybody at some point in time has to ask themselves some very hard questions. Their very survival depends on the answers they find.
He always used to ask me why I was so nice. I told him I didn't know any other way to be. So it puzzles me why he thinks the advice I have given him recently was intended as an insult. The road to hell is paved with good intentions........and I realize that , even though I wanted him to see the truth, it wasn't my place to point that out to him. Some things we are better off dealing with on our own. Some conversations are best left between ourselves and God. But they are conversations we must have. We are all created in God's image and likeness......our core...our soul was created to be in union with the Creator. Life has a way of drowning out that small still voice of our conscience that cries out for peace and happiness.
We are all called.......but it's up to us to answer that call or not.
The "niceness" he spoke of is just the image and likeness of God that resides in me. I myself.....without God.....am just an empty shell. So now is the time for me to ask the questions.....to examine my life.....to find the answer that God has already buried in my heart like a treasure.
Death is always necessary for a resurrection........Fulton Sheen
Monday, October 15, 2007
Forgive We Now Each Other's Faults...
As we our faults confess.
That was one of my favorite hymns as a child. You don't hear that one too much anymore at church.
Where charity and love prevail
There God is ever found
Brought here together by Christ's love
By love are we thus bound
Forgive we now each other's faults
As we our faults confess
And let us love each other well
In Christian holiness
Forgivness is something that comes easy for me. I admit I get hurt and angry at times.....but hate and revenge are 2 things I just don't understand. I know a lot has been said lately out of pain and confusion. And I can even admit that I am still angry somewhat but I have never said anything about hating Steve and I never said or did anything to intentionally hurt him even though he's done that to me. If anything, giving a name to an issue in his life was meant to try to help. Love does not just "give up" or go away. It may change to a differant form.....but it remains constant. God does not stop loving us when we displease Him. And patron saints don't abandon us when we need them the most (even when we don't even recognize that we need them). There has been so much in this life that God has forgiven me.
No, forgiving others has never been my problem......my problem is worse than that. My problem is that I can't seem to forgive myself. And that is an even deadlier sin.... thinking my sin is greater than God's mercy. It would be easy...and convienient to blame my poor choices in life on my mother. But the truth is, she's only human and I can see and understand her "limitations" too. Yes.....I certainly came away from my childhood with extremly low self esteem......but that isn't what led me down the dark alleyways I have been travelling all my life.
She may have hurt me....but she didn't shame me. I did that to myself. And shame is the greatest injury to our souls.....it's the emotion that fuels all our fears about ourselves. It's the one Adam and Eve felt upon their departure of the Garden of Eden....it's the one we are cleansed of by the Holy Spirit....and if we despair of that cleansing....if we deny that it can cleanse us then there is no hope for us. I have spent my whole life trying to deny something....trying to love better, forgive more...in the hopes I could "make up" for the past. But some things you just can't "make up" for. Some things you just have to beg God's mercy for.....but you have to believe He will forgive....believe he will forget... but most of all, you have to accept that mercy. You have to accept that only God has the power to make things right. Our job is to just accept His mercy....praise Him for it..........and pass it on down the line.
That was one of my favorite hymns as a child. You don't hear that one too much anymore at church.
Where charity and love prevail
There God is ever found
Brought here together by Christ's love
By love are we thus bound
Forgive we now each other's faults
As we our faults confess
And let us love each other well
In Christian holiness
Forgivness is something that comes easy for me. I admit I get hurt and angry at times.....but hate and revenge are 2 things I just don't understand. I know a lot has been said lately out of pain and confusion. And I can even admit that I am still angry somewhat but I have never said anything about hating Steve and I never said or did anything to intentionally hurt him even though he's done that to me. If anything, giving a name to an issue in his life was meant to try to help. Love does not just "give up" or go away. It may change to a differant form.....but it remains constant. God does not stop loving us when we displease Him. And patron saints don't abandon us when we need them the most (even when we don't even recognize that we need them). There has been so much in this life that God has forgiven me.
No, forgiving others has never been my problem......my problem is worse than that. My problem is that I can't seem to forgive myself. And that is an even deadlier sin.... thinking my sin is greater than God's mercy. It would be easy...and convienient to blame my poor choices in life on my mother. But the truth is, she's only human and I can see and understand her "limitations" too. Yes.....I certainly came away from my childhood with extremly low self esteem......but that isn't what led me down the dark alleyways I have been travelling all my life.
She may have hurt me....but she didn't shame me. I did that to myself. And shame is the greatest injury to our souls.....it's the emotion that fuels all our fears about ourselves. It's the one Adam and Eve felt upon their departure of the Garden of Eden....it's the one we are cleansed of by the Holy Spirit....and if we despair of that cleansing....if we deny that it can cleanse us then there is no hope for us. I have spent my whole life trying to deny something....trying to love better, forgive more...in the hopes I could "make up" for the past. But some things you just can't "make up" for. Some things you just have to beg God's mercy for.....but you have to believe He will forgive....believe he will forget... but most of all, you have to accept that mercy. You have to accept that only God has the power to make things right. Our job is to just accept His mercy....praise Him for it..........and pass it on down the line.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
You Don't Know What It's Like
It's finally quiet here. I appreciate my daughter watching Brian so I can go out, but that usually means I have to return the favor. I don't mind having N. here though. I just don't get much sleep when he is here. I sometimes just watch him sleep and I wonder what it will be like for him in the future. He had his new braces on today....they are smaller, just fitting over the ankles and not all the way up his shins anymore....but they are more rigid and seem like they are uncomfortable. They are "rainbow" colored. He gets to design them....I thought for sure they would be blue.
When Brian was born I used to sit up at night and watch him sleep too. I remember that overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of his disabilty. It's funny though....my sisters and I have had to deal with different disabilities with our kids. I have often thought I couldn't handle Adam's or Emily's medical issues....and they have said that they thought they couldn't handle Brian's mental retardation. Now I deal with both the mental....and physical issues. Granted, N.'s condition isn't an ongoing medical concern like Adam's or Emily's.....but I know his future is still uncertain. They still haven't pinpointed the nature of his muscle myopathy.
You want so badly to protect you kids from the difficulties in life but most things are out of your control. Being a single mother with someone like Brian is even tougher. I want to be the loving, protective mother....but I find myself having to be the "bad cop" most of the time to keep him motivated. I wish I had the opportunity to enjoy him more....to read to him more....to play with him more. But I am always pressed for time....and most times he can't be hurried....so I end up nagging and being firm with him. This has been a tough year for him. Actually it's been a tough year for me too....but I can't show weakness around him...I have to push harder. He's getting better at school though....the crying and acting out has slowed. And since the "Leapster incident" at least the teacher and I are on the same page now on how to handle things. He's so angry at me anymore...it's like how Erin was when her dad and I broke up. They blamed me ....mostly cause I was there. If it helps him though, I can take it. He "uninvited" me to his choral concert though the other night when I told him I didn't want him to make Steve a card. It hurts....but I have to turn it around....I told him fine...but how did he think he was going to get to the concert then? He is sooooo excited about this concert....I think he has invited everyone he knows (and even some people he doesn't know....like the cashier at Giant Eagle). I think the only two classes where we don't have any trouble are swimming and chorus......and he can't swim or sing!
That's the beauty of his innocence........life is so simple for him. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of his ablity.....he likes it....it's fun.....so he goes for it with gusto.
That's also the heartbreak of his innocence........love is so simple for him. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. If he loves you.....he goes for it with gusto.
We should all be so lucky to have that kind of "disability".
When Brian was born I used to sit up at night and watch him sleep too. I remember that overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of his disabilty. It's funny though....my sisters and I have had to deal with different disabilities with our kids. I have often thought I couldn't handle Adam's or Emily's medical issues....and they have said that they thought they couldn't handle Brian's mental retardation. Now I deal with both the mental....and physical issues. Granted, N.'s condition isn't an ongoing medical concern like Adam's or Emily's.....but I know his future is still uncertain. They still haven't pinpointed the nature of his muscle myopathy.
You want so badly to protect you kids from the difficulties in life but most things are out of your control. Being a single mother with someone like Brian is even tougher. I want to be the loving, protective mother....but I find myself having to be the "bad cop" most of the time to keep him motivated. I wish I had the opportunity to enjoy him more....to read to him more....to play with him more. But I am always pressed for time....and most times he can't be hurried....so I end up nagging and being firm with him. This has been a tough year for him. Actually it's been a tough year for me too....but I can't show weakness around him...I have to push harder. He's getting better at school though....the crying and acting out has slowed. And since the "Leapster incident" at least the teacher and I are on the same page now on how to handle things. He's so angry at me anymore...it's like how Erin was when her dad and I broke up. They blamed me ....mostly cause I was there. If it helps him though, I can take it. He "uninvited" me to his choral concert though the other night when I told him I didn't want him to make Steve a card. It hurts....but I have to turn it around....I told him fine...but how did he think he was going to get to the concert then? He is sooooo excited about this concert....I think he has invited everyone he knows (and even some people he doesn't know....like the cashier at Giant Eagle). I think the only two classes where we don't have any trouble are swimming and chorus......and he can't swim or sing!
That's the beauty of his innocence........life is so simple for him. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of his ablity.....he likes it....it's fun.....so he goes for it with gusto.
That's also the heartbreak of his innocence........love is so simple for him. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. If he loves you.....he goes for it with gusto.
We should all be so lucky to have that kind of "disability".
Friday, October 12, 2007
What I'll Give You Since You Asked
Before I get to the heart of the matter tonight I want to post my horoscope for today. I think it's kind of amusing. I never believed in this stuff ( I still don't) but I read them for fun. They have been especially compelling lately.
Sagittarius October 12
Warm and inspiring relations with others at this time might not only make you happy today, dear Sagittarius, they could inspire you to be creative in some way. Your friends should prove very supportive of your efforts at this time and this can spur you on to accomplish a lot. Writing especially could show a lot of promise. Get busy and have some fun.
It seems as if I have some critics. I find their comments strangely amusing. The complaint is that I am self centered and need professional help. Last time I checked, this was my blog. I guess they think I should be using this space to tell of the greatness of Steve and how fortunate the young one and I were to have been a part of his life. They say I should move on and not talk to Steve anymore(news flash...I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months) but yet...why are they even reading this blog??????? Who needs to move on here?????? But then again they must not be reading very closely because they have totally missed the point. Or else they only hear what they want to hear in which case nothing I say matters....they already think they know all there is to know.
They say there are two sides to every story...but my dad used to say there were three....you have one side, the other person has one side, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.That truth is what I have been seeking.
It's never just one person's fault when a relationship ends. Two go in....two go out. I never said it was all his fault. Do I think he has issues? Yes. Do I think I have issues? Yes. If the "anonymous" poster (and I love how these posters hide behind the "anonymous" tag) had been paying any attention they would have seen that in my posts. When your life is tossed upside down it's natural to be angry....or hurt....or resentful. I will not apologize for anything I said while working out those emotions. Self examination is not being self centered......it's a necessary step in understanding what was wrong and what was right in the relationship so you can learn from the experience and emerge stronger and smarter. Only a fool would say they were totally right and not ever face their shortcomings. Only a person who is dead inside would think they have nothing more to learn from life.
I am insecure and emotional....but I am honest and kind. I am indecisive and opinionated......but I am compassionate and forgiving. I am moody....but I am a hard worker. We are all many things....both good and bad. Part sinner....part saint. That includes Steve. He has both good and bad qualities. It's all about balance.....it's all about striving to be the best we can be. But the "anonymous" poster has NO RIGHT to an opinion on what Steve has done to Brian........you have no clue as to the extent of the devestation that boy is working through. You think Steve is a saint...and I need professional help....but Brian is the one in counseling now at the school's request. And Steve has yet to even acknowledge that he has hurt Brian in any way. You can defend him all you want but the hallmark of narcissism is the lack of compassion and the necessity of destroying anyone who challenges the narcissist. Narcissists can't ever see how they hurt other people. Steve is laughing at me and mocking my attempts to hold him accountable....he makes light of Brian's pain.....and obviously brags about it to you "anonymous" poster. So what does that say about all of you?????? I dare you to tell me to my face that Brian just needs to "move on". I dare you to tell Brian that yourself too!
And to answer your question....yes my children are proud of me. They are proud of the fact that I am standing up for myself and Brian. They are proud of the home I have created......of everything that I have done ON MY OWN . They respect me for the commitment I show to my faith in God. They respect me for refusing to entertain any thought of hate or revenge towards the ever growing list of men who have hurt me and their brother. They are proud of my attempts to forgive the past and seek a better future....even when it means being brutaly honest about my own shortcomings. They especially respect the fact that I admit that I am not perfect.
So it's you who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I challenge you to contact me personally....sit down and hear the truth...not the version he spins. But I'll bet you can't handle the truth. Because that would mean facing the fact that maybe you are wrong about some things. It's not easy to look in the mirror and see warts and all staring back at you but we all have to do it sooner or later. Denying it doesn't change it.
And as far as moving on goes........ask him where my house key is. Better yet....tell him he owes me $150 for having to get the locks changed.
And tell him #6 on Snow Patrol still applies. Seriously.
Sagittarius October 12
Warm and inspiring relations with others at this time might not only make you happy today, dear Sagittarius, they could inspire you to be creative in some way. Your friends should prove very supportive of your efforts at this time and this can spur you on to accomplish a lot. Writing especially could show a lot of promise. Get busy and have some fun.
It seems as if I have some critics. I find their comments strangely amusing. The complaint is that I am self centered and need professional help. Last time I checked, this was my blog. I guess they think I should be using this space to tell of the greatness of Steve and how fortunate the young one and I were to have been a part of his life. They say I should move on and not talk to Steve anymore(news flash...I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months) but yet...why are they even reading this blog??????? Who needs to move on here?????? But then again they must not be reading very closely because they have totally missed the point. Or else they only hear what they want to hear in which case nothing I say matters....they already think they know all there is to know.
They say there are two sides to every story...but my dad used to say there were three....you have one side, the other person has one side, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.That truth is what I have been seeking.
It's never just one person's fault when a relationship ends. Two go in....two go out. I never said it was all his fault. Do I think he has issues? Yes. Do I think I have issues? Yes. If the "anonymous" poster (and I love how these posters hide behind the "anonymous" tag) had been paying any attention they would have seen that in my posts. When your life is tossed upside down it's natural to be angry....or hurt....or resentful. I will not apologize for anything I said while working out those emotions. Self examination is not being self centered......it's a necessary step in understanding what was wrong and what was right in the relationship so you can learn from the experience and emerge stronger and smarter. Only a fool would say they were totally right and not ever face their shortcomings. Only a person who is dead inside would think they have nothing more to learn from life.
I am insecure and emotional....but I am honest and kind. I am indecisive and opinionated......but I am compassionate and forgiving. I am moody....but I am a hard worker. We are all many things....both good and bad. Part sinner....part saint. That includes Steve. He has both good and bad qualities. It's all about balance.....it's all about striving to be the best we can be. But the "anonymous" poster has NO RIGHT to an opinion on what Steve has done to Brian........you have no clue as to the extent of the devestation that boy is working through. You think Steve is a saint...and I need professional help....but Brian is the one in counseling now at the school's request. And Steve has yet to even acknowledge that he has hurt Brian in any way. You can defend him all you want but the hallmark of narcissism is the lack of compassion and the necessity of destroying anyone who challenges the narcissist. Narcissists can't ever see how they hurt other people. Steve is laughing at me and mocking my attempts to hold him accountable....he makes light of Brian's pain.....and obviously brags about it to you "anonymous" poster. So what does that say about all of you?????? I dare you to tell me to my face that Brian just needs to "move on". I dare you to tell Brian that yourself too!
And to answer your question....yes my children are proud of me. They are proud of the fact that I am standing up for myself and Brian. They are proud of the home I have created......of everything that I have done ON MY OWN . They respect me for the commitment I show to my faith in God. They respect me for refusing to entertain any thought of hate or revenge towards the ever growing list of men who have hurt me and their brother. They are proud of my attempts to forgive the past and seek a better future....even when it means being brutaly honest about my own shortcomings. They especially respect the fact that I admit that I am not perfect.
So it's you who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I challenge you to contact me personally....sit down and hear the truth...not the version he spins. But I'll bet you can't handle the truth. Because that would mean facing the fact that maybe you are wrong about some things. It's not easy to look in the mirror and see warts and all staring back at you but we all have to do it sooner or later. Denying it doesn't change it.
And as far as moving on goes........ask him where my house key is. Better yet....tell him he owes me $150 for having to get the locks changed.
And tell him #6 on Snow Patrol still applies. Seriously.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Don't Stop Believing
Sagittarius -
You are on a roll today, dear Sagittarius. Don't let other people's insecurities or shallow understanding about the issues get in the way of your progress. There is a distinct advantage to the way you approach things. Feel free to exert your will on those who need strong direction on how to proceed. If you are confident about the answer, don't be shy about saying so. If people don't like the way you are leading, they don't need to follow.
That's my horoscope for today......pretty funny. I don't believe in coincidence . I have been thinking about how best to approach the wisdom of continuing with this blog. I didn't want to give it up, but I didn't want to do more harm than good either.
I want to say for the record (and all you friends can close your eyes so as not to read the next few words) that I still love and miss Steve. I am saying that because that truth is important. I know he thinks that I am using this blog to be mean to him....even though he is the one being mean and heartless.....but the reality is that I am just trying to come to terms with some very confusing emotions. It's one of the interesting things about us humans that has always fascinated me....that ability we have to love someone despite the pain they cause us. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the only one who can do that. Either way I know what I have to do.
The blog stays....and it stays the way I want it to. For whatever reason, God has given me the ability to love without condition, to forgive like I have been forgiven (more on that in a later post), and continue to believe in a deeper meaning of life. I struggle with this gift....because I know how vulnerable it makes me. And I leave myself wide open for criticism because I say and do things that aren't always smart...or popular. And I am not even sure what I am doing half the time....all I know is that despite my imperfections...or maybe because of them....I know that I have to do what I know how to do. And that's to love like I want to be loved....forgive like I want to be forgiven....
I can't answer for anyone else......when I stand before God someday I will have to account for what I said and did. I believe that I was set on this journey for a reason....that this pain I am going through is kind of like birthing pains. Only God knows what's at the end of this road...all I know is that I will follow.
You are on a roll today, dear Sagittarius. Don't let other people's insecurities or shallow understanding about the issues get in the way of your progress. There is a distinct advantage to the way you approach things. Feel free to exert your will on those who need strong direction on how to proceed. If you are confident about the answer, don't be shy about saying so. If people don't like the way you are leading, they don't need to follow.
That's my horoscope for today......pretty funny. I don't believe in coincidence . I have been thinking about how best to approach the wisdom of continuing with this blog. I didn't want to give it up, but I didn't want to do more harm than good either.
I want to say for the record (and all you friends can close your eyes so as not to read the next few words) that I still love and miss Steve. I am saying that because that truth is important. I know he thinks that I am using this blog to be mean to him....even though he is the one being mean and heartless.....but the reality is that I am just trying to come to terms with some very confusing emotions. It's one of the interesting things about us humans that has always fascinated me....that ability we have to love someone despite the pain they cause us. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the only one who can do that. Either way I know what I have to do.
The blog stays....and it stays the way I want it to. For whatever reason, God has given me the ability to love without condition, to forgive like I have been forgiven (more on that in a later post), and continue to believe in a deeper meaning of life. I struggle with this gift....because I know how vulnerable it makes me. And I leave myself wide open for criticism because I say and do things that aren't always smart...or popular. And I am not even sure what I am doing half the time....all I know is that despite my imperfections...or maybe because of them....I know that I have to do what I know how to do. And that's to love like I want to be loved....forgive like I want to be forgiven....
I can't answer for anyone else......when I stand before God someday I will have to account for what I said and did. I believe that I was set on this journey for a reason....that this pain I am going through is kind of like birthing pains. Only God knows what's at the end of this road...all I know is that I will follow.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Secret Garden
Our lives are like a garden that must be tended lovingly in order to grow and flourish. Each of us carries within us the seeds needed to plant the most glorious of bounties. Unfortunatly, weeds can spring up quite unexpectantly and choke out the beauty that we had admired.
My prayer this morning was for help in weeding out my garden. The anger and bitterness arising from the pain was threatening to overtake the flowers. If I let it take root it could change the entire landscape. I don't want that to happen. So I asked God to remove the anger and bitterness from my heart. And I realized something......yes, he hurt me very badly.....but he certainly wasn't the first to do so. And with every hurt and disappointment in my life another seed was planted. The winds carry the seeds and scatter them where it may. I can not control what lands in my garden....only God can do that.....but I am responsible for tending to that garden....to nurture it along....to encourage the beauty and weed out the unwanted, ugly waste that threatens the soil.
I have the tools I need to cultivate a garden of lasting beauty. I have the love and patience that God has given me...I just have to use them.
There is a reason I say I am a "practicing" Catholic. I believe that we have to practice our faith everyday....that since we are human we are less than perfect so we will never have perfect faith.
Some days are easier than others. Some days the weeds threaten to choke us. But if we work at it with the tools God gave us and pray for the faith to rain down on us to water our efforts, the beauty will astound us.
My prayer this morning was for help in weeding out my garden. The anger and bitterness arising from the pain was threatening to overtake the flowers. If I let it take root it could change the entire landscape. I don't want that to happen. So I asked God to remove the anger and bitterness from my heart. And I realized something......yes, he hurt me very badly.....but he certainly wasn't the first to do so. And with every hurt and disappointment in my life another seed was planted. The winds carry the seeds and scatter them where it may. I can not control what lands in my garden....only God can do that.....but I am responsible for tending to that garden....to nurture it along....to encourage the beauty and weed out the unwanted, ugly waste that threatens the soil.
I have the tools I need to cultivate a garden of lasting beauty. I have the love and patience that God has given me...I just have to use them.
There is a reason I say I am a "practicing" Catholic. I believe that we have to practice our faith everyday....that since we are human we are less than perfect so we will never have perfect faith.
Some days are easier than others. Some days the weeds threaten to choke us. But if we work at it with the tools God gave us and pray for the faith to rain down on us to water our efforts, the beauty will astound us.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Sins of the Fathers
I can understand his reluctance to face the truth. The wounds of our youth can leave deep and lasting scars. Some feel it is better to never revisit them. So they go through life denying they ever exsisted....because to admit to the scars is to admit to the shame of being made to feel unworthy of the love of the one who is most like ourselves. Life then becomes a dangerous game of hide and seek. We hide who we truly are to seek the love and approval of those closest to us. But the Catch 22 part is that the ones who are closest to us are the ones who should love us for who we really are....and not who they want us to be. And once our "false" self gains that love....the "true" self has virtually no chance of surviving.
This in turn feeds the shame of knowing that we too are admiting that our true self is unworthy.
I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.
Maybe my mother was wrong......maybe I am ...... maybe my revelation wasn't meant to help him.....maybe it was meant to help me. To help me see that you can't erase the pain by changing the past....or the people who inflicted the pain in the first place..... or even changing yourself to suit them........But to change the way you react to that pain.....to stop chasing after the same source of pain hoping to have a different outcome.
I would rather be loved for who I am than to be hated for who I am not.
I would rather be loved for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.
This in turn feeds the shame of knowing that we too are admiting that our true self is unworthy.
I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.
Maybe my mother was wrong......maybe I am ...... maybe my revelation wasn't meant to help him.....maybe it was meant to help me. To help me see that you can't erase the pain by changing the past....or the people who inflicted the pain in the first place..... or even changing yourself to suit them........But to change the way you react to that pain.....to stop chasing after the same source of pain hoping to have a different outcome.
I would rather be loved for who I am than to be hated for who I am not.
I would rather be loved for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Newstories2tell
What must it be like to possess the talent to stir men's souls? I have had a lot of comments about this blog....and about my writing abilities in general.....but these are just random thoughts thrown out into the wind. I don't plan most of these posts....I just sit here and type what comes into my head. There's nothing profound here....more just a general observation of the train wreck that is my life. People are always fascinated by misfortune on the highway....they always slow down to get a better look of all the shattered glass and twisted metal. But they drive away no better or wiser from the image filed away in their brains.
Did you ever read Shakespeare or Austin or Browning and marvel at the way they take ordinary words and form them into something extrodinarily beautiful? Or better yet...Bethoveen or Bach....what must it be like to have the language of God form behind your closed eyes....to hear the music play for the first time in your head before pen touches paper?
Even modern expression.....Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech.......passionate inspiring sermons of Billy Graham....the kinds of words that inspire nations to war....and back to peace again. There are pieces of modern music that always bring me to tears when I hear them....Dan Fogleberg's Netherlands.....Justin Hayward's New Horizens.....John Denver's Annie's Song.....just about anything by Alan Parson or Jim Brickman or Andrea Bocelli. Those are the things that stir the soul....that make you feel something alive deep inside of you. I don't have a talent for that.
The beauty that surronds us.....a sunrise....a sunset.....the majesty of the mountaintops......the granduer of the lush green river valleys.....the powerful tides of the oceans.....a simple red rose glistening with the morning dew......all comes from Love. But the appreciation of that beauty is our Love mirrored back to God.
So can one truly love anything or anyone without first recognizing the source of Love? One only has to look at the differance between Mozart and Metalica to understand that music without soul is just noise. And stories without heart are just words on a rag.
Love and beauty are everyone's duty....that's a line from a Moody Blues song. I think it means that we are to mark our days here on earth, not in selfish pursuit of what "feels good" but what actually is good. To paint our landscape with the brush of Love....to leave lasting beauty....and to take only what we are willing to give in return. That way our stories will have no end and the music will never die.
Did you ever read Shakespeare or Austin or Browning and marvel at the way they take ordinary words and form them into something extrodinarily beautiful? Or better yet...Bethoveen or Bach....what must it be like to have the language of God form behind your closed eyes....to hear the music play for the first time in your head before pen touches paper?
Even modern expression.....Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech.......passionate inspiring sermons of Billy Graham....the kinds of words that inspire nations to war....and back to peace again. There are pieces of modern music that always bring me to tears when I hear them....Dan Fogleberg's Netherlands.....Justin Hayward's New Horizens.....John Denver's Annie's Song.....just about anything by Alan Parson or Jim Brickman or Andrea Bocelli. Those are the things that stir the soul....that make you feel something alive deep inside of you. I don't have a talent for that.
The beauty that surronds us.....a sunrise....a sunset.....the majesty of the mountaintops......the granduer of the lush green river valleys.....the powerful tides of the oceans.....a simple red rose glistening with the morning dew......all comes from Love. But the appreciation of that beauty is our Love mirrored back to God.
So can one truly love anything or anyone without first recognizing the source of Love? One only has to look at the differance between Mozart and Metalica to understand that music without soul is just noise. And stories without heart are just words on a rag.
Love and beauty are everyone's duty....that's a line from a Moody Blues song. I think it means that we are to mark our days here on earth, not in selfish pursuit of what "feels good" but what actually is good. To paint our landscape with the brush of Love....to leave lasting beauty....and to take only what we are willing to give in return. That way our stories will have no end and the music will never die.
Monday, October 01, 2007
That's What Friends Are For
I wear a ring. A silver Celtic cross. I used to wear another traditional Irish ring....the Irish have always fascinated me......their stories.....their faith....their luck. I don't have much luck with them though. But anyway....the ring I wear now is a testament to my faith in God.. Silver is actually a soft metal....pliable and easily bent.....the band of this ring bears that out. But the ornate cross is strong and beautiful and this ring reminds me of God's never ending love and care for us. His strength holds together the fragile inner workings of our lives. The ring I used to wear was a testament too....but of a differant kind. I used to wear a silver Claddagh. The legend of the Claddagh is an interesting one.
An original symbol of the "Fisher Kings" of the Galway town of Claddagh, Ireland, (pronounced clada) the design was first fashioned into the traditional ring back in the 17th Century during the reign of Mary II.Legend has it that an Irish young man, Richard Joyce, bound for the West Indian slave plantations - no doubt the Irish Carribean island of Montserrat - was kidnapped himself in rough seas by a band of Mediterranean pirates and sold to a Moorish goldsmith who over the many long years of his exile helped him perfect the skills of a master craftsman.When in 1689 King William III negotiated the return of the slaves, Joyce returned to Galway - despite, it said, the Moor's offer of the daughter's hand in marriage and a princely dowry of half of all his wealth.Back in Ireland a young women had never stopped faithful waiting for her true love to return. Upon which time when he presented her with the now famous Royal Claddagh gold ring - a symbol of their enduring love. Two hands to represent their friendship, the crown to signify their loyalty and lasting fidelity, and the sign of the heart to symbolise their eternal love for each other.They soon married, never to be separated again.
I gave him my ring a few months ago. I told him to return it to me when he was ready. Well....he's not ever going to be ready. He wants to be friends though.....but no matter how pliable the silver is....I can't imagine seperating the love and the loyalty from the friendship.
So I guess he will have to keep all three.
An original symbol of the "Fisher Kings" of the Galway town of Claddagh, Ireland, (pronounced clada) the design was first fashioned into the traditional ring back in the 17th Century during the reign of Mary II.Legend has it that an Irish young man, Richard Joyce, bound for the West Indian slave plantations - no doubt the Irish Carribean island of Montserrat - was kidnapped himself in rough seas by a band of Mediterranean pirates and sold to a Moorish goldsmith who over the many long years of his exile helped him perfect the skills of a master craftsman.When in 1689 King William III negotiated the return of the slaves, Joyce returned to Galway - despite, it said, the Moor's offer of the daughter's hand in marriage and a princely dowry of half of all his wealth.Back in Ireland a young women had never stopped faithful waiting for her true love to return. Upon which time when he presented her with the now famous Royal Claddagh gold ring - a symbol of their enduring love. Two hands to represent their friendship, the crown to signify their loyalty and lasting fidelity, and the sign of the heart to symbolise their eternal love for each other.They soon married, never to be separated again.
I gave him my ring a few months ago. I told him to return it to me when he was ready. Well....he's not ever going to be ready. He wants to be friends though.....but no matter how pliable the silver is....I can't imagine seperating the love and the loyalty from the friendship.
So I guess he will have to keep all three.
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