It's been a while since I have posted.....not because I haven't had anything to say, but rather because I have so much to say that I don't know where to start. I think God forgot to put an "off" switch in my brain. Anyway......I told someone recently that I hated him. Of course we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth. Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. I never hated anyone before.....it's a strange sensation.....very disconcerting. I don't like it. So I set my sights out on flipping the coin. I decided that I would find three things that I will always love him for and then maybe that would chase the anger and bitterness away. The first two were easy but I struggled to come up with a third. I finally succeeded though and the list is as follows:
1. he encouraged me to buy a house
although this is a bittersweet memory because we house hunted together and, before I pushed him off the roller coaster ride, he was talking about having a house and a life together. But this home I have created here is something I will always treasure.
2. he let me cross the finish line first when he ran the Great Race with me
again though.....when I wanted to do it the next year he told me I was on my own.....after the initial "courting" when he was trying to impress me....the relationship pretty much consisted of doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. Sure, he made an attempt to ask me what i wanted....but when I told him, he always said "nah...I want to ......." and then that is what we would do. But I will always remember and be grateful for the way he pushed me to keep trying and coaxing me to finish the race....stepping back to let me cross first.
and now for number three....drum roll please
3. for betraying my love and trust
I know....huh??????? Let me explain. You see....I have know him for over 13 years.....I have worked with him, I have played with him.....I know him in a way no one else ever will. I see him as no one else ever has....or will. In the back of my mind I always knew that something was not right with him........I won't go into detail here because my intention is not to bash him or demean him....afterall I am listing the "good" things I am taking away from this relationship. Suffice it to say that I am not the only co-worker of his to say that his behavior was odd and immature most times. But I seem to be the type to be attracted to that....the stray puppy syndrome....the slightly odd, slighly sick stray that I can take home and nurture and love. I poured my heart and soul into him......tried to teach him what love was all about. But the thing about love is that it makes you blind....and in my case deaf and dumb too ( mostly dumb) While I was trying to love him and teach him my way of looking at things....I actually was getting sucked into his way of looking at things......I turned my back on my family and friends.....they knew....they saw what he was like and what he was doing....but I wouldn't listen. But the way he lied and betrayed my love ( honestly Steve......you even called me to find out the name of that CD that was "ours" so you
could buy it for her but then tell me you were offended that I returned everything to you because you thought I was saying our memories meant nothing??????? Do you even listen to yourself speak sometimes??????) was the wake up call I needed to break the spell. Of course, I will never say I am grateful for the mess he left behind concerning Brian(that more than anything reveals his true character....or lack thereof) But I am grateful to be back to the life I was meant to live....the life full of caring and compassion .....appreciating my friends and family....spoiling my grandchildren.....returning to the faith that has delivered me. (btw......I want it noted that, although I was screaming and kicking the whole way, God dragged my sorry butt away from the fire just in time) But the most important thing is that I don't hate him anymore......I can take the lessons I learned....the good that I was able to extract (hey...nothings all wrong....even a clock that has stopped is right two times a day) and chalk it all up to one more chapter in an neverending story I can (and will) tell about my life.
So....this thanksgiving....I am thankful for my family.....my faith.....my home....and even thankful for the time I spent with Steve. It was a wild ride. I'm glad it's over....but I enjoyed the thrill of it while it lasted. I know he won't find the peace and happiness he's looking for just yet and I feel bad for him for that....I truly do...hopefully someday he will see the truth. I still believe in miracles .....I was granted one......I pray that he gets his too. I am sorry that I sounded so mean and bitter these past few months on this blog.....you will never understand how badly you hurt me and Brian....but I don't want to be defined by that because I believe there's a better way to live.......love and forgiveness are the gifts I am most grateful for this thanksgiving.....both recieved and given.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Blogging 101
It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the
strong
man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The
credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred
by
dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes
short
again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who
spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end
the
triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, at least, fails
while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who
know neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt
Okay....let me explain something to you fans in the cheap seats. A blog is an online journal. It's the insights and opinions of the owner of the blog. They can be about quantum physics....they can be about the presidential race....they can even be about the latest sighting of Elvis in a 7/11 somewhere in Arkansas....whatever the owner chooses to write about. There are millions of these things out there in cyber space. If you don't like the content on one....move on along to the next one. Better yet....start one of your own, don't act like the playground bully in my sandbox though cause I have the power to kick you out. Notice that I don't do that though. You know who I am and how I feel but I allow you to hide behind an "anonymous" tag because I happen to believe in free speech...everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just remember though that in this "sandbox" you better be prepared to back up your opinions with some facts. You see...I am not afraid to stand on the mountaintop shouting "here I am world....bring it on". I own up to my thoughts and feelings....both the bad ones and the good ones. I am not afraid to tell you what I think and why I think it.
And this is what I think.........you obviously think people who write and read are "wasting" their time...that the only way to "live" is to just go out and take whatever you want. But rushing through life just taking and not giving....or worse not even reflecting on the gifts that are given you....is a lot like robbing a bank. I believe our exsistance goes on beyond this time on earth...that eternity is more important than fleeting momentary satisfaction. I believe in God...and I am not afraid to talk or write about that. If that makes me "crazy" in your eyes I don't much care.
I watched this happen to Lynda so I am not so surprised it's happening to me. To make yourselves look better you feel the need to tear others down. It's so predictable...and so sad. Let's see...Lynda's faults....did she cheat? no....did she lie? no......did she drink and do drugs? no...did she spend all Steve's money?no........oh I remember....she read too much....she didn't constantly shower Steve with attention.......that bitch! The truth is Steve was bored with her....so she had to go. He was bored with me so I had to go. No problem....I can accept that....it's his right. But don't crucify someone to ease your conscience. Don't critisize someone or something you don't understand.
So let's toss the facts on the old scales and see how it balances out.
Lydna and I are both educated, smart, successfull mature adults with jobs, houses, responsibilities...the whole nine yards. We are independant....we go out there and face the world everyday....I even have extra responsibilities that I shoulder with little help.
He is a middle aged man living at home with no responsibility dating a girl young enough to be his daughter with no other goal in life but to make enough money to retire early so he has even less responsibility.
Who is that again that needs professional help???????
The only thing that made Lynda and I crazy was our willingness to try to hold on and love someone unable to even understand what love is.
Take your own advice....move on. You think I am wasting my life by writing.......but what does that say about you for reading it?
strong
man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The
credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred
by
dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes
short
again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who
spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end
the
triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, at least, fails
while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who
know neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt
Okay....let me explain something to you fans in the cheap seats. A blog is an online journal. It's the insights and opinions of the owner of the blog. They can be about quantum physics....they can be about the presidential race....they can even be about the latest sighting of Elvis in a 7/11 somewhere in Arkansas....whatever the owner chooses to write about. There are millions of these things out there in cyber space. If you don't like the content on one....move on along to the next one. Better yet....start one of your own, don't act like the playground bully in my sandbox though cause I have the power to kick you out. Notice that I don't do that though. You know who I am and how I feel but I allow you to hide behind an "anonymous" tag because I happen to believe in free speech...everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just remember though that in this "sandbox" you better be prepared to back up your opinions with some facts. You see...I am not afraid to stand on the mountaintop shouting "here I am world....bring it on". I own up to my thoughts and feelings....both the bad ones and the good ones. I am not afraid to tell you what I think and why I think it.
And this is what I think.........you obviously think people who write and read are "wasting" their time...that the only way to "live" is to just go out and take whatever you want. But rushing through life just taking and not giving....or worse not even reflecting on the gifts that are given you....is a lot like robbing a bank. I believe our exsistance goes on beyond this time on earth...that eternity is more important than fleeting momentary satisfaction. I believe in God...and I am not afraid to talk or write about that. If that makes me "crazy" in your eyes I don't much care.
I watched this happen to Lynda so I am not so surprised it's happening to me. To make yourselves look better you feel the need to tear others down. It's so predictable...and so sad. Let's see...Lynda's faults....did she cheat? no....did she lie? no......did she drink and do drugs? no...did she spend all Steve's money?no........oh I remember....she read too much....she didn't constantly shower Steve with attention.......that bitch! The truth is Steve was bored with her....so she had to go. He was bored with me so I had to go. No problem....I can accept that....it's his right. But don't crucify someone to ease your conscience. Don't critisize someone or something you don't understand.
So let's toss the facts on the old scales and see how it balances out.
Lydna and I are both educated, smart, successfull mature adults with jobs, houses, responsibilities...the whole nine yards. We are independant....we go out there and face the world everyday....I even have extra responsibilities that I shoulder with little help.
He is a middle aged man living at home with no responsibility dating a girl young enough to be his daughter with no other goal in life but to make enough money to retire early so he has even less responsibility.
Who is that again that needs professional help???????
The only thing that made Lynda and I crazy was our willingness to try to hold on and love someone unable to even understand what love is.
Take your own advice....move on. You think I am wasting my life by writing.......but what does that say about you for reading it?
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
You Gotta Believe in Something....No Matter the Cost
Today is election day. I always think of my grandmother on election days.
My NaNa traveled alone across the Atlantic as a poor, uneducated teenager. She arrived here not knowing the language....not being able even to read or write. An arranged marriage was her reason for coming....but like many before her....and many after.....she had a dream of a better life here in America. She settled in, raised a family....and studied for her citizenship test. One of her proudest moments was when she became a naturalized American citizen. She often showed me her papers. She never did learn really to read or write....and her English was hard to understand at times......but she took her responsibilities as a citizen to heart. She never missed an election. I remember as a teenager and a young adult taking her to the polling place. I would help her read the ballot.....but she always knew who she was voting for. She died shortly before her 101st birthday......right before election day.
I think I inherited her determination and stubborness....her belief in something.....someone....larger than herself. I miss her. But every election day, as I cast my vote, I remember how hard she had to work......how hard women and blacks had to work....to have the right to make their mark on history. I take nothing for granted and I don't neglet my duty....I appreciate the sacrifice so many have made to allow me the right to voice my opinion. Free ideas ensure a free society. And as long as this is a free society , I will always exercise my right to speak....and write....as I see fit. I will have the courage to give a signature to the thoughts and ideas that are mine alone. I will stand and be counted.
This election day ask yourself...."what do I stand for?"
If you don't stand for something....you'll fall for anything.
My NaNa traveled alone across the Atlantic as a poor, uneducated teenager. She arrived here not knowing the language....not being able even to read or write. An arranged marriage was her reason for coming....but like many before her....and many after.....she had a dream of a better life here in America. She settled in, raised a family....and studied for her citizenship test. One of her proudest moments was when she became a naturalized American citizen. She often showed me her papers. She never did learn really to read or write....and her English was hard to understand at times......but she took her responsibilities as a citizen to heart. She never missed an election. I remember as a teenager and a young adult taking her to the polling place. I would help her read the ballot.....but she always knew who she was voting for. She died shortly before her 101st birthday......right before election day.
I think I inherited her determination and stubborness....her belief in something.....someone....larger than herself. I miss her. But every election day, as I cast my vote, I remember how hard she had to work......how hard women and blacks had to work....to have the right to make their mark on history. I take nothing for granted and I don't neglet my duty....I appreciate the sacrifice so many have made to allow me the right to voice my opinion. Free ideas ensure a free society. And as long as this is a free society , I will always exercise my right to speak....and write....as I see fit. I will have the courage to give a signature to the thoughts and ideas that are mine alone. I will stand and be counted.
This election day ask yourself...."what do I stand for?"
If you don't stand for something....you'll fall for anything.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Someone Saved My Life Tonight
Someone who has known me for a long time made an interesting observation. They said that, although they had never seen me happier than when I was with Steve, they also saw that I was not "myself". I was puzzled by that assesment and I have been thinking about that for a few weeks now.....what exactly did they mean? How was I different....and why?
So, being the curious person I am....I started an unscientific poll. I didn't like the results. There was widespread agreement that I had taken leave of my senses.
My list of priorities in life had always been God, family and friends....in that order. I taught Sunday school......I coached t-ball......I was a Brownie leader......I was a public official....I homeschooled the young one for 4 years. Holidays were truly Holy Days here with the Advent wreath and Jesse tree.....Lent was a season and not just eating fish on Fridays. My children and grandchildren were regulars for Sunday dinner and spirited games of Scrabble afterward. Acts of charity I won't mention here because I did them for the love of God and not for any personal gain. I always thought we all had a purpose in life.......that we had an obligation to leave the world a little better than we had found it.....that you should treat people with the respect and dignity that all children of God deserve. I marched on Washington several times on behalf of those without a voice.
Something happened though that I don't understand. I abandoned the practice of my faith and my family. I rushed headlong into his world. Most everyone I talked to said that was what surprised them the most.......the Catholic and the atheist.....the older "earth mother" and the young irresponsible kid.
I think to him I was a curiosity.....but he soon became my temptation....my addiction. He seemed interested in my religion.....my prayers and my devotions.....he asked a lot of questions and I thought I had the answers. I don't know....maybe I thought I was saving him ( he even told me once that if he ever was saved it would be because of me) But I don't have any power to save anyone.......I couldn't even save myself. Everthing I had been taught....everything I believed seemed to get pushed aside in my quest to be accepted by him. Oh to be sure....there were times when I was aware of that on some level....there were times I was most uncomfortable being a part of his conversations and his lifestyle ....but I laughed along just so he would "like" me. I will never forget one particular conversation.....he and his mother were discussing the suicide of a "close personal friend". This man's young daughter was the one to find him.........an incredibly horrid, sad situation. But they were laughing about it! It makes me sick to my stomach to recall that I pretended to be amused with the conversation too. Everything was a joke to him.....including me and Brian it turns out.
But yet....I don't hold that against him.......he's not a believer so how could I fault him? I was the believer....I knew better....I am the guilty one. I was a poor example to my children....my grandchildren....and even to him. I presented myself as a Christian but I certainly wasn't acting like one when I was with him. I became selfish......concerned only with what I wanted no matter the cost. I was the one who allowed God's pure love to be perverted and missused.
My reading list is quite extensive right now...... I started with all the Narcissism stuff because I wanted it to be all his fault (you really do need to read Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss)
But I soon realized I was comparing apples to oranges. The issue for me wasn't what Steve was or wasn't....the issue for me was how to find my way back home. How to make my life right. The thing is....I didn't have to go far. My shelf is crammed with almost all of Fulton Sheen's books......with a large collection of C.S. Lewis.....with the works of St. Augustine....St. Thomas Aquinas.....St. Francis.....Mother Teresa. ....He always did say he liked my answers better.....I was raised on a total Catholic school education....I studied the saints and the scholars.....I live the Bible through the liturgical year....I might have neglected it these past few years.....but by the Grace of God, I haven't forgotten it.
And yet......I find myself loving Steve even more now....because I understand now....I understand the fall from Grace.... I understand the healing power of redemption....I understand the mystery will be revealed some day on the other side of this life.....
our lives do not then depend on the principle of avoiding sin, which is a tiresome job,but on living constantly in the climate of Divine Love.....Fulton Sheen
So, being the curious person I am....I started an unscientific poll. I didn't like the results. There was widespread agreement that I had taken leave of my senses.
My list of priorities in life had always been God, family and friends....in that order. I taught Sunday school......I coached t-ball......I was a Brownie leader......I was a public official....I homeschooled the young one for 4 years. Holidays were truly Holy Days here with the Advent wreath and Jesse tree.....Lent was a season and not just eating fish on Fridays. My children and grandchildren were regulars for Sunday dinner and spirited games of Scrabble afterward. Acts of charity I won't mention here because I did them for the love of God and not for any personal gain. I always thought we all had a purpose in life.......that we had an obligation to leave the world a little better than we had found it.....that you should treat people with the respect and dignity that all children of God deserve. I marched on Washington several times on behalf of those without a voice.
Something happened though that I don't understand. I abandoned the practice of my faith and my family. I rushed headlong into his world. Most everyone I talked to said that was what surprised them the most.......the Catholic and the atheist.....the older "earth mother" and the young irresponsible kid.
I think to him I was a curiosity.....but he soon became my temptation....my addiction. He seemed interested in my religion.....my prayers and my devotions.....he asked a lot of questions and I thought I had the answers. I don't know....maybe I thought I was saving him ( he even told me once that if he ever was saved it would be because of me) But I don't have any power to save anyone.......I couldn't even save myself. Everthing I had been taught....everything I believed seemed to get pushed aside in my quest to be accepted by him. Oh to be sure....there were times when I was aware of that on some level....there were times I was most uncomfortable being a part of his conversations and his lifestyle ....but I laughed along just so he would "like" me. I will never forget one particular conversation.....he and his mother were discussing the suicide of a "close personal friend". This man's young daughter was the one to find him.........an incredibly horrid, sad situation. But they were laughing about it! It makes me sick to my stomach to recall that I pretended to be amused with the conversation too. Everything was a joke to him.....including me and Brian it turns out.
But yet....I don't hold that against him.......he's not a believer so how could I fault him? I was the believer....I knew better....I am the guilty one. I was a poor example to my children....my grandchildren....and even to him. I presented myself as a Christian but I certainly wasn't acting like one when I was with him. I became selfish......concerned only with what I wanted no matter the cost. I was the one who allowed God's pure love to be perverted and missused.
My reading list is quite extensive right now...... I started with all the Narcissism stuff because I wanted it to be all his fault (you really do need to read Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss)
But I soon realized I was comparing apples to oranges. The issue for me wasn't what Steve was or wasn't....the issue for me was how to find my way back home. How to make my life right. The thing is....I didn't have to go far. My shelf is crammed with almost all of Fulton Sheen's books......with a large collection of C.S. Lewis.....with the works of St. Augustine....St. Thomas Aquinas.....St. Francis.....Mother Teresa. ....He always did say he liked my answers better.....I was raised on a total Catholic school education....I studied the saints and the scholars.....I live the Bible through the liturgical year....I might have neglected it these past few years.....but by the Grace of God, I haven't forgotten it.
And yet......I find myself loving Steve even more now....because I understand now....I understand the fall from Grace.... I understand the healing power of redemption....I understand the mystery will be revealed some day on the other side of this life.....
our lives do not then depend on the principle of avoiding sin, which is a tiresome job,but on living constantly in the climate of Divine Love.....Fulton Sheen
Saturday, November 03, 2007
If
I thought of you this morning. I was in a shop full of clocks and when the hour struck , one started playing the song I sang to you as an infant. (surprised me too....who knew that obscure '70's songs are all the rage in new age grandfather clocks) The memory made me smile...something I don't do too often lately. When you called me this afternoon to tell me your news another memory came to mind....one that has clouded my landscape for a few months now.
I am so sorry. I know very well the suffocating feeling of that quiet desperation. I have worn the floorboards of that long lonely hallway so that the ruts are hard to escape. I am sorry I have left you that legacy...that I have made your life seem so complicated. I wish we could start all over again. I know we can't....but maybe we can help each other see our way clear of all this confusion.
Please don't think I don't understand....or that your reasons will hurt me further....because you are not crazy ( and you are NOT him) and I need you to know that I love you even though I haven't always been the best of examples.
And maybe when you are done that book , I should re-read it too.
I am so sorry. I know very well the suffocating feeling of that quiet desperation. I have worn the floorboards of that long lonely hallway so that the ruts are hard to escape. I am sorry I have left you that legacy...that I have made your life seem so complicated. I wish we could start all over again. I know we can't....but maybe we can help each other see our way clear of all this confusion.
Please don't think I don't understand....or that your reasons will hurt me further....because you are not crazy ( and you are NOT him) and I need you to know that I love you even though I haven't always been the best of examples.
And maybe when you are done that book , I should re-read it too.
Friday, November 02, 2007
We Built This City
Every day, on my way to and from work, I pass a house where unspeakable horror dwelled until one act of desperation drove the demon to another location in a young girl's private hell. The local District Attorney decried the deplorable conditions of the house and urged it to be condemned. It is now being disassembled....all that remains is a pile of broken wood and twisted metal. Soon it will be nothing but a bare empty lot.
I wonder though about the condition of the new home where the demon now resides. It is always the most innocent who are forced to share quarters with the evil that lives in the hearts of those who gave birth to them. Now that heart no longer beats and the innocent one is left alone to wrestle the demon even the older one could not seem to tame.
Hate the sin....but love the sinner. That's what we are commanded to do. Love is the ultimate weapon. But I saw her wounded eyes as I passed by in my car on the way to my safe, warm home on more than a few occasions. What would I have done if I knew then the source of her sad expression? Love is patient and kind.....but her patience wore thin when no one came to her aid.Evil flourishes when good men do nothing. Is she bitter now? Does she hate the world for letting her down? Can you blame her for any of that?
So now the walls of her physical hell have been torn down as if that will make everything better.Home is where the heart is though so her emotional hell is still intact. Can she ever escape it? Will someone love her enough to stand beside her as she battles the demon that was bequeathed to her?
So many souls live in darkness. Some by chance....some by choice. Love, bearing the gift of truth, can light the way. Truth, like a hand from heaven, is what will build a new home. Is that a choice you can pass a chance on?
I wonder though about the condition of the new home where the demon now resides. It is always the most innocent who are forced to share quarters with the evil that lives in the hearts of those who gave birth to them. Now that heart no longer beats and the innocent one is left alone to wrestle the demon even the older one could not seem to tame.
Hate the sin....but love the sinner. That's what we are commanded to do. Love is the ultimate weapon. But I saw her wounded eyes as I passed by in my car on the way to my safe, warm home on more than a few occasions. What would I have done if I knew then the source of her sad expression? Love is patient and kind.....but her patience wore thin when no one came to her aid.Evil flourishes when good men do nothing. Is she bitter now? Does she hate the world for letting her down? Can you blame her for any of that?
So now the walls of her physical hell have been torn down as if that will make everything better.Home is where the heart is though so her emotional hell is still intact. Can she ever escape it? Will someone love her enough to stand beside her as she battles the demon that was bequeathed to her?
So many souls live in darkness. Some by chance....some by choice. Love, bearing the gift of truth, can light the way. Truth, like a hand from heaven, is what will build a new home. Is that a choice you can pass a chance on?
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