It's been a while since I have posted.....not because I haven't had anything to say, but rather because I have so much to say that I don't know where to start. I think God forgot to put an "off" switch in my brain. Anyway......I told someone recently that I hated him. Of course we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth. Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. I never hated anyone before.....it's a strange sensation.....very disconcerting. I don't like it. So I set my sights out on flipping the coin. I decided that I would find three things that I will always love him for and then maybe that would chase the anger and bitterness away. The first two were easy but I struggled to come up with a third. I finally succeeded though and the list is as follows:
1. he encouraged me to buy a house
although this is a bittersweet memory because we house hunted together and, before I pushed him off the roller coaster ride, he was talking about having a house and a life together. But this home I have created here is something I will always treasure.
2. he let me cross the finish line first when he ran the Great Race with me
again though.....when I wanted to do it the next year he told me I was on my own.....after the initial "courting" when he was trying to impress me....the relationship pretty much consisted of doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. Sure, he made an attempt to ask me what i wanted....but when I told him, he always said "nah...I want to ......." and then that is what we would do. But I will always remember and be grateful for the way he pushed me to keep trying and coaxing me to finish the race....stepping back to let me cross first.
and now for number three....drum roll please
3. for betraying my love and trust
I know....huh??????? Let me explain. You see....I have know him for over 13 years.....I have worked with him, I have played with him.....I know him in a way no one else ever will. I see him as no one else ever has....or will. In the back of my mind I always knew that something was not right with him........I won't go into detail here because my intention is not to bash him or demean him....afterall I am listing the "good" things I am taking away from this relationship. Suffice it to say that I am not the only co-worker of his to say that his behavior was odd and immature most times. But I seem to be the type to be attracted to that....the stray puppy syndrome....the slightly odd, slighly sick stray that I can take home and nurture and love. I poured my heart and soul into him......tried to teach him what love was all about. But the thing about love is that it makes you blind....and in my case deaf and dumb too ( mostly dumb) While I was trying to love him and teach him my way of looking at things....I actually was getting sucked into his way of looking at things......I turned my back on my family and friends.....they knew....they saw what he was like and what he was doing....but I wouldn't listen. But the way he lied and betrayed my love ( honestly Steve......you even called me to find out the name of that CD that was "ours" so you
could buy it for her but then tell me you were offended that I returned everything to you because you thought I was saying our memories meant nothing??????? Do you even listen to yourself speak sometimes??????) was the wake up call I needed to break the spell. Of course, I will never say I am grateful for the mess he left behind concerning Brian(that more than anything reveals his true character....or lack thereof) But I am grateful to be back to the life I was meant to live....the life full of caring and compassion .....appreciating my friends and family....spoiling my grandchildren.....returning to the faith that has delivered me. (btw......I want it noted that, although I was screaming and kicking the whole way, God dragged my sorry butt away from the fire just in time) But the most important thing is that I don't hate him anymore......I can take the lessons I learned....the good that I was able to extract (hey...nothings all wrong....even a clock that has stopped is right two times a day) and chalk it all up to one more chapter in an neverending story I can (and will) tell about my life.
So....this thanksgiving....I am thankful for my family.....my faith.....my home....and even thankful for the time I spent with Steve. It was a wild ride. I'm glad it's over....but I enjoyed the thrill of it while it lasted. I know he won't find the peace and happiness he's looking for just yet and I feel bad for him for that....I truly do...hopefully someday he will see the truth. I still believe in miracles .....I was granted one......I pray that he gets his too. I am sorry that I sounded so mean and bitter these past few months on this blog.....you will never understand how badly you hurt me and Brian....but I don't want to be defined by that because I believe there's a better way to live.......love and forgiveness are the gifts I am most grateful for this thanksgiving.....both recieved and given.
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