After mass this morning, I was talking to someone from the "old neighborhood". He knew I was "one of the Strangis girls" (if I had a nickel for every time I heard that I'd be rich). My grandson was by my side...my daughter and granddaughter off to corral Brian (he has developed a habit of kneeling before Fr. Vince in the vestibule after mass reminiscent the scene of Maria kneeling before Mother Superior in the Sound of Music *sigh*) When comparing families, I introduced Nicholas and told my old friend I had 4 children and 2 grandchildren. Nicholas immediately tugged my arm and said "Nana, you have 3 grandchildren"
Last week, my grandaughter informed me I can no longer call her "angel" like I have since she was born. "Nana, my brother is an angel. I'm not an angel."
These children...so innocent...yet so wise. To Nicholas, who is eight, his brother is real. He existed...he has a name. To Keegan, who is five, her brother still exists, watching over her from heaven. They both speak of Joshua as a cherished brother. A brother they never got to see...yet one they will never forget.
We held a funeral mass for Joshua this past Friday. Family and friends gathered to celebrate the life of a beautiful soul who was born to die. He was loved the instant he came into being...not only by his family, but by God Himself. No less so than if he had been full term...no less so than if he had lived for years.
God tells us he knows us before we are knitted in our mother's womb. That is a powerful thought. We are known to Him, even if others forget us. We matter to God even if it seems we don't matter to anyone else. There is a place for us at His table even if others reject us. We not only exist, but we are exalted even if unseen by others in the womb. It makes no difference if we are 90 years old or 90 seconds old, we ARE SOMEONE to God! A life to be celebrated!
I am ashamed of my answer to my old friend. Never again will I forget the life that lives for all eternity in the arms of our Lord...my precious grandson. I have 3 grandchildren...Nicholas, Keegan, and Joshua. My love for them will never end.
And to my dear daughter and son-in-law...I know your grief has been magnified by the fact that there are some who have been insensitive to your suffering. There have been some who have not recognized that, although brief on this earth, Joshua lived...and he will live forever. I ,too, have been disappointed by some. All I can say is forgive them...they don't understand. And if that is hard to do right now...just remember, there is an angel up in heaven who already has.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday, March 07, 2011
Don't Ask Me Why
I have had this blog for over 5 years now. Not much to show for it though. You have no idea how many times I sit at this computer and just stare at the screen...waiting for the war of words raging in my head to spill out onto the keyboard. I have come to one conclusion...that ain't gonna happen. It's not like I don't have anything to say...it's just that as soon as my thoughts are poured out like concrete I realize they don't have much merit. Once set though, it takes a jack hammer to undo all the damage.
Lately, everything I thought I knew or believed in has been turned upside down. Of course, that's not exactly news. My life is constantly proving me wrong. All my starts and stops have left me dizzy. Every bad decision...every turn for the worse...every dark night of the soul can either lead to despair or enlightenment. But what about all those times you feel you've finally gotten this whole life thing figured out? When all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit...when you are ready to pour the puzzle glue and put that masterpiece in a frame...then...wait...that's not right...it looks like it fits, but the picture isn't quite right? Then what?
I always believed in God...practiced my religion...said my prayers...read the great spiritual writings of many blessed and learned saints. But I never quite "felt" a connection to God. I always thought I was doing something wrong. It was deeply disappointing. Two recent events however have left me wondering how I could have ever been so blind.
The first encounter was so unexpected and so real I know the following words will not do it justice. I was reading...starting to doze off. I put my book down and my mind began drifting...I was actually thinking about taking a trip to Ikea for some fabric to make curtains for my bedroom. Suddenly there before me was my mother...with the most beautiful and joyful smile on her face...holding a baby in her arms.. In the instant that she came...she left. What was that??? I'm not one to even think of "contacting" the dead...I didn't (and still don't) believe in that. It was so intense though that I immediately called my son to see if he was keeping any news from me ( I swear that boy won't think twice when it's time to commit me LOL) He assured me that,yes, I was indeed crazy...and ,no, Suki was not pregnant. Okay...
A few days later I attended a healing service at the Motherhouse of a local community of Sisters. I was going to pray for my daughter who was having some health issues...and for my grandson. When it came my turn to approach the altar...without any effort on my part...my mind went to something in my past that I had long since buried. The priest...who has no idea what you are praying for as it is a silent prayer..usually just places his hands on your head and blesses you then turns to the next person. His hands were so warm...much warmer than normal body temperature. He turned away from me...then hesitated...turned back toward me just staring at me for a second as if he were listening to someone. He touched my elbow at first then pulled me into an embrace that defies all description...so warm and gentle...all without saying a word to me. He then turned and continued on down the line. I was the only one he engaged like that.
As it turned out...a few weeks later my daughter surprised me with the good news. So it was her baby my mother was showing me! Almost immediately though, she developed complications...serious ones. My sisters and I started a novena to Saint Anne...my father lit candles and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament. She showed signs of improvement...in fact so much so that the doctor took her off bedrest and allowed her to return to work. Hallelujah! Our prayers were answered.
Oh what fools we mortals be...
On her second day back to work, my daughter called me hysterical...her water had broken. This can't be! She's only 20 weeks!! What about the novenas...what about the prayers before the living Jesus...what about my mother's visit????? This isn't funny God!
If I lay here...if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
All that I am, all that I've ever been
A tear in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
I was embraced by God...I have no doubt. My Mother was telling me Joshua is safely enthroned in heaven...I have no doubt. Just don't ask me why.
Lately, everything I thought I knew or believed in has been turned upside down. Of course, that's not exactly news. My life is constantly proving me wrong. All my starts and stops have left me dizzy. Every bad decision...every turn for the worse...every dark night of the soul can either lead to despair or enlightenment. But what about all those times you feel you've finally gotten this whole life thing figured out? When all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit...when you are ready to pour the puzzle glue and put that masterpiece in a frame...then...wait...that's not right...it looks like it fits, but the picture isn't quite right? Then what?
I always believed in God...practiced my religion...said my prayers...read the great spiritual writings of many blessed and learned saints. But I never quite "felt" a connection to God. I always thought I was doing something wrong. It was deeply disappointing. Two recent events however have left me wondering how I could have ever been so blind.
The first encounter was so unexpected and so real I know the following words will not do it justice. I was reading...starting to doze off. I put my book down and my mind began drifting...I was actually thinking about taking a trip to Ikea for some fabric to make curtains for my bedroom. Suddenly there before me was my mother...with the most beautiful and joyful smile on her face...holding a baby in her arms.. In the instant that she came...she left. What was that??? I'm not one to even think of "contacting" the dead...I didn't (and still don't) believe in that. It was so intense though that I immediately called my son to see if he was keeping any news from me ( I swear that boy won't think twice when it's time to commit me LOL) He assured me that,yes, I was indeed crazy...and ,no, Suki was not pregnant. Okay...
A few days later I attended a healing service at the Motherhouse of a local community of Sisters. I was going to pray for my daughter who was having some health issues...and for my grandson. When it came my turn to approach the altar...without any effort on my part...my mind went to something in my past that I had long since buried. The priest...who has no idea what you are praying for as it is a silent prayer..usually just places his hands on your head and blesses you then turns to the next person. His hands were so warm...much warmer than normal body temperature. He turned away from me...then hesitated...turned back toward me just staring at me for a second as if he were listening to someone. He touched my elbow at first then pulled me into an embrace that defies all description...so warm and gentle...all without saying a word to me. He then turned and continued on down the line. I was the only one he engaged like that.
As it turned out...a few weeks later my daughter surprised me with the good news. So it was her baby my mother was showing me! Almost immediately though, she developed complications...serious ones. My sisters and I started a novena to Saint Anne...my father lit candles and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament. She showed signs of improvement...in fact so much so that the doctor took her off bedrest and allowed her to return to work. Hallelujah! Our prayers were answered.
Oh what fools we mortals be...
On her second day back to work, my daughter called me hysterical...her water had broken. This can't be! She's only 20 weeks!! What about the novenas...what about the prayers before the living Jesus...what about my mother's visit????? This isn't funny God!
If I lay here...if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
All that I am, all that I've ever been
A tear in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
I was embraced by God...I have no doubt. My Mother was telling me Joshua is safely enthroned in heaven...I have no doubt. Just don't ask me why.
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