Everybody Wants to Rule the World

They say image is everything. You don't have to "be"...you just have to appear to"be". We all have "faces" we wear when we go out into the world....but the danger lies in the "faces" we wear when we are alone with ourselves. Sometimes, the truth about ourselves is too ugly...too painful to bear so we hide behind the appearance of control. We think we control our emotions...our thoughts....our actions. But the truth is that the river that runs through us has a current all it's own that was charted for us long before we even realized we knew how to swim. At some points it's calm...but at some points it rages beyond our ability to hang on. So it's sink or swim.

Survival of the fittest....put your "game face" on and jump in. Only did you ever notice how a duck swims? Calm on the surface....but paddling like hell under the water. But yet when we master something in life people say we "take to it like a duck takes to water". I never understood that allegory. But like I said...image is everything.

But at some point in your life you have to stop lying to yourself. It's not enough to "appear" to be successful...or happy....or peaceful. Because you know that's never enough...and the more we try to "appear" that way, the more desperate we become to maintain that appearance. Like that duck paddling like hell but never really getting anywhere. And let's face it...this society we live in is obssessed with appearences.

So if we feel like we don't measure up somehow, the very thought of being "unmasked" can be devestating. So we glue that face on good and tight and defend ourselves against anyone who tries to peek underneath. Pretty soon we even forget ourselves what lies beneath the mask. Well maybe not forget....but we do deny it exsists. Yet everyone has something they would like to hide away from view. It's a pity....because "nobodysperfect". All we do when we wall up our pain is to deny ourselves the chance to ever heal.

And really....if you think about it......it's usually the image that is more limiting than the truth. In maintaining the image we become slaves to it. All our energy is expended to sustain a lie. What a waste of time. Our own personal universe is under control of a merciless tyrant.......ourselves. Because it's usually us that are our own worst critic.

I know I have been pretty harsh with someone here lately. Some things I feel just had to be said. But if he's honest with himself, he'll have to admit he's been even harder on himself than I have been. Being honest with ourselves is never easy. And admitting it to ourselves is even harder. Blame is easy to pass around though....but the thing about blame is that even though you pass it off....it never really leaves your own hands. The stain is still there to remind you of what you've touched. So enough with the blame....it's time to roll up the sleeves....wash off the hands....and try to chip away at the mask that's been glued to my own face. I stand by my assesment of his limitations ......it really is scary how textbook it is.....but that fact is irrelevant. My own limitations are just as "textbook"....and since this is my blog, my mask has to fall first.

Shine

I don't know if it is apparant to you readers, but the titles of most of my posts are either song titles or lines from the lyrics of songs. Music has always been important to me. Iwould rather listen to music than watch TV. My musical tastes vary depending on what mood I am in. My CD library is quite eclectic. Going through them though, I can see a reminder of most every relationship I have been in. From Bob I developed a passion for the Moody Blues( I still have the copy of Threshold of a Dream that you gave me), Pat left a legacy of Neil Diamond, Dave gave me Tim McGraw, Joe plugged me into Jim Brickman and Andrea Bocelli. Steve on the other hand not only left me with nothing(more about that later) I gave to him a certain affinity for Keith Urban. In fact, today's post is titled after a song on his new CD. There's a twist to that though. Usually songs are written for "secular" purposes....but I sometimes imagine certain "love songs" as being sung for me from God. They are so pure in their message that I can understand them to be something other than what I am sure the songwriter intended. But that is the beauty in God.....he inspires us all in ways that touch other's lives without us even realizing it.

Steve, because of his "limitations" , doesn't have much to offer of his own self so he tends to follow along with what others say, do, or think. I am a big Keith Urban fan....in fact I have a certain favorite CD that I consider the ultimate "road trip" CD. We have listened to it often. On that CD is a certain song that has great meaning....a song the young one sings along with Steve....a song that describes a trip we took. A few weeks ago, he asked me about that CD. I asked him why....I knew the reason....but I was hoping I was wrong. He assured me it was because he was "just thinking about it....thinking about singing with the young one" I told him outright that I considered it "our" song....please don't betray that memory. Well that's the thing about his "limitations"....tell him not to do something is just asking for the opposite result. He could have very well gone to the record store and taken the time to read the covers...but he has to take the easy, lazy way and ask me....just rubbing the insult in even further (but he insists there's nothing wrong with him....that I am the crazy one) So not only is he a liar, he has to be cruel about it.

A few months ago, he was talking about a more permanent relationship......buying a house.....handling finances.....even down to the details of how to decorate. So, seeing as I was not the one to lie or cheat or otherwise damgage our relationship, how is it that he feels the need to be so cruel to me? Hmmm......could it be that he is ashamed of himself? I have made no secret of how badly he has hurt the young one....how the young one is still struggling with all this....how this girl he is with is younger than the young one's own siblings. And I can only imagine the story he has spun to this girl who is young enough to be his daughter. He has regressed to teenage behavior......irresponsible teenage behavior at that. And now he is holding out the hope we can be "friends".

Well, as a "friend" Steve, let me be the one to say.....dude, there is something wrong with you. If you "clicked" with someone like her....what does that say about your own maturity level? What are you guys going to do....sneak into her house at night like some sex obssesed teenagers? You're 40 years old for heaven's sake!!!!! You look like a fool. What you did to the young one (and lets be forthright here since everyone else already knows....the young one has Down Syndrome.....his innocent soul and loving nature makes it heartbreaking to watch his emotional struggle) is nothing short of demonically cruel. And you have the nerve to laugh about all this with your new girlfriend (yea....you two are sooo mature) even when I did nothing to you to deserve this. What kind of a man could do this to someone who has shown you nothing but love? I can accept that you changed your mind....even wish you well.... but there is no need to treat me like dirt because you can't handle the consequences of your decisions. I told you about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder not to spite you or hurt you....but as a friend......so maybe you can have some peace in your life. But the way you reacted only proves my point even more.
And I know that I am doing this at my own risk because you (because of your limitations) will attack me even more for saying these things. But that's what I have to say as a friend....because that's what friends should do.....tell you the truth.

So, getting back to the title of this post.....God has found a way to shine in my life. His light will illuminate me and give me the strength I need to examine my faults and reveal my role in the doomed dance we were dancing. The only way to move forward is to honestly face the past.....it will be painful...and difficult.....but I won't be alone. Anything worth having though is worth working for. And a loving, peaceful, purposeful life is definatly worth having. Good thing the young one is such a good and patient teacher.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

We are all a little bit broken......it comes from being human in an imperfect world. Every day on this earth packs a little more into the baggage we are forced to carry around. Some prefer to carry everything and some prefer to travel light. But what to discard and what to save? What do we really need...and what will we never have use for again? Tough questions...with no 2 people having the same answers.

I know that I am weary of the weight I have been lugging around for so long. It's time to put the bags down and rifle through them. It might take a while to sort everything out....to decide what I need and what is of no use to me anymore.....but if I ever hope to travel any further down this boulevard I must streamline the baggage.

Stay tuned folks.....you never know what I might find when I get to the bottom of the suitcase.

Pennies from Heaven

I am still the worst navigator in the world (my daughter says I am fired....no more passenger for me....I get to drive...she gets to navigate). A 40 min. trip to Philly from Atlantic City took 2 hours!!!! I had us going north up the coast instead of west into PA. At least it was pretty....the leaves are starting to turn colors and it was a nice day.We were going for lunch at Geno's...they truly do have a terrific cheesesteak. And who can go to Philadelphia and not see the Liberty Bell? Well, that led to a carriage ride through the historic district. The only problem with that was that my grandaughter was more interested in talking to the horse....so I missed some of what the guide was saying. So I am not quite sure why....but there's a custom there to toss a penny on Ben Franklin's grave. (and did they build the U. S. Mint directly across the street from his grave on purpose?) I can't see how he would approve of that....wasting pennies like that.....but I was game. In fact it turned out to be another one of those "Divine providence" moments. At the souviner shop, I was handed 4 bright shiny brand new pennies. I stared at those pennies for a second....I think the clerk must have thought I was from another country trying to figure out what coins I was holding. I found myself fighting those involuntary tears that spring up every now and again. The ones that betray my resolve to shelve certain memories. Anyway....now on Ben Franklin's grave sits 4 bright shiny brand new pennies....one tossed by Nicholas.....one tossed by Keegan....and I am not sure if you were supposed to make a wish or anything when you tossed them....but there was a wish made from me....and one for the one who the pennies were meant for.

Next time though.....we have to make sure there's not an Eagle's home game!!!!

Red Was Very Nice

I went on a pretty cool road trip this past weekend. Atlantic City to meet an old friend. Driving through Philly on Friday night was a great way to start the trip....who knew a traffic jam could turn into one of the best photo ops of the trip? We were stuck in traffic right at the point of the Sculkyll River where the boat houses are. At night they are outlined in small white lights that just shimmer off the river. So incredibly cool looking! Atlantic City itself was interesting. The ocean front there is rather dissapointing.....smelly and dirty......but it's great for finding sea shells. The water was surprisingly warm still for this time of year. Good thing for me because, once again, I wasn't dressed for ocean going. My daughter (convieniently) had jeans on so she sat on the beach and snapped pictures. Her Godfather carried the grandson into the water and the grandaughter wanted in too so I walked her in thinking she wouldn't want to go far. Big mistake....lol. Once the bottom of the skirt got wet, Jim laughed and told me I might as well go for it. Easy for him to say....he didn't have to walk around in wet underwear for the rest of the afternoon. The boardwalk was neat. The food was good and the carnival games and rides were fun. The shops were interesting....high end luxury stores next to cheap junk stores. I started a new Hard Rock t-shirt collection (even started one for the grandkids). But the most uncharacteristic thing was going back into the casinos that night. I am not that much of a gambler (ok all you guys that know my love life...stop laughing) but I had a conversation with someone once about putting big money (does $60 qualify?) down on the roulette wheel. All or nothing....one shot.....

It feels great to come out a winner!

Sweet Home Alabama

The young one had Open House at his tech school last night. He has industrial arts and building maintenance this semester. I helped him study for his test, so I knew they were reviewing the names and functions of tools....and he did mention that he learned how to work a palm sander....but this is major power tools they are letting him use!!!!! Drill presses.....band saws.....are they crazy????? lol The teacher said he's going to be teaching them to paint also....but the young one told him he already knows how to do that....he told him his "mom painted the living room hundreds of times" His grandmother got a kick out of that comment. Okay...for the record it's only been 4 times but considering I've only been in this house for a little over a year I guess in the law of averages I paint my living room more often than people change the batteries in their smoke detectors. I love owning my own house though for just that reason. I can do whatever I darn well please. My house is just as unique as I am....and as colorful. A home....not just a house. It's great to be home.

Some Gotta Win, Some Gotta Lose

I find it ironic that what started this cataclysmic chain of events was me returning the vestiges of our time together. He was "hurt" that I was implying that what we had meant nothing to me. That he was "cherishing" the things I had given him because they were "good memories" for him. But now that I know the truth....and called him out on it.....I am suddenly the "evil" one...the one who is ridiculed and mocked. He had "good memories" as long as I played my part in his sick fantasy world, but once I walked away from the stage he had to rewrite the script. In reality though, there never was any "relationship". What I thought we had exsisted only in my head. It was never what it should have been....or could have been.....because I was busy loving someone who didn't love me back....who couldn't even understand the concept of love. And another thing that is funny is that every time I told him I loved him...he always asked me "why?"....he always wanted to know why I loved him....why I dealt with him. He always admitted to me that he knew he drove me insane....that he knew he had no compassion.....that he knew he received more from me than he gave in return. He always wanted me to admit that I was jealous....jealous of his furniture....jealous of his bank account....jealous of his material possesions. He would tell me outright that he thought he was being a jerk. And through all that I hung on...I assured him that I loved him....that he was worthy......that he was important. I danced with the devil in perfect time. I knew my part and I played it well. I didn't create the monster but I sure knew how to feed it.

But do I regret it? I would have to say no. I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with and even now, knowing what I know, I can say that I have nothing to be ashamed about. It's never wrong to love someone....to want to be loved in return. I didn't do anything wrong...so I guess he and my sister were right after all....it was nothing personal....because he never thought of me as "personal". I was just another "it" that satisfied him till he got bored. And the young one was just that "collateral damage" I guess they talk about in war. The amusing thing though?... Up until I returned all his stuff...he kept asking me why I was so nice to him when he was such a jerk to me. He destroyed the young one without so much as an ounce of regret....yet he is out there waging war on me for calling him on the carpet. He is so self centered that he hasn't even noticed that I have left the battlefield. Not only have I won this battle......I have won the war. But then again he's been fighting himself for years.

Unanswered Prayers

Early in our relationship we had gone to Niagra Falls. He was still trying to impress me then, so we searched out a church. What we found was a monastary and after Mass we toured the monks' chapel. Being a believer, I was naturally in awe of the power and beauty of the very real pressence of God. I sat there in silence for awhile while he snapped pictures of the stained glass. He asked me about the candles and I explained the custom of lighting a candle to accompany a prayer. He gave me a dollar and told me to light a candle. He asked me what I prayed for but I wouldn't tell him. What I prayed for was him. For him to open up to the possibility that God exsisted and that my religion wasn't so "crazy". We went into the gift shop and there the questions began....about the rosary beads, about the statues, about the prayer books, about the angels.....and the saints. Who they were and why we prayed to them and why there were so many. I told him about patron saints and why we chose them. He asked me to pick a patron saint for him. I knew right away who I would pick. I had a few Canadian coins left so I bought him a medal of his new patron saint. St. Jude. The patron saint of impossible causes. (my sister told me I was mean) These past few years, everywhere we went it was always him who searched for the churches......the Bascilica in St. Louis.......St. Mary's in Marieta (the most beautiful church I have ever seen in my life) he even went to Mass with me at the church by his house. Up until the very end he had questions for me. And I still prayed to Jude for intercession. I made a major miscalculation though....I forgot about free will. We all have to choose to accept God's grace or not. He won't force it on us no matter how many prayers others send up on our behalf.

I may have fallen from Steve's grace for returning all those things and suggesting he take a hard look at his life and the way he is living it, but I have found that God's grace (and mercy!) has never been more alive in my life. Sometimes it's the unanswered prayers that prove God's love for us. But are there any such things as ananswered prayers? If I prayed for a life with Steve and that wasn't what was best for me (and I know that to be true) why would a loving God give me that? Wouldn't He instead give me what I truely needed? Sometimes we just have to trust God and His plan for our lives.....so the answer to our prayers always come....just not in the way we had envisioned. Being infallible creatures, could you imagine the havoc if we were given everything we wanted? The best thing God can do sometimes is to save us from ourselves!

I am where I need to be....my family....my friends....have all been so amazing. Only 1 "I told you so" so far. I am learning who I am , who I was (not always a pretty picture) and who I want to be. I have a purpose in life now....a direction. I am rediscovering my talents and passions.....I am doing the things I have always loved but never allowed myself to do these past few years. But more importantly I have rediscovered the source of my deepest happiness. My children....my grandchildren have forgiven my serious lack of attention these past few years....and for that I am most grateful. I have been invited to ride Thomas the Tank Engine with my grandchildren....to step into the ocean with my children.....to go to a hockey game with my parents...to volunteer my time in the service of the less fortunate....and I eagerly look forward to all that and more.



I thank God for unanswered prayers.


I'm alive and I'm free......who wouldn't want to be me?

Stupid Boy

I have had quite a few jobs in my life. My favorite one was being a library page. I did that for a few years in high school ( a family tradition) My sisters and I practically lived in that library. From an early age I loved to read. To me every new book was an adventure waiting to happen....some new bit of information to cram into my brain. When I had my turn to work there I used to love helping people find things. Even when I wasn't working you would find me there doing all kinds of research....( I told y'all I was a nerd....I actually liked researching and writing term papers). Reading and writing were a big part of my early years.....a big part of who I am....or at least who I was. I have spent the better part of the last three years denying that big part of me.

For the past few years I stopped reading (his ex "read all the time....never wanted to do anything with me") . I gave up something I loved to try to impress him....to show him that I thought he was more important. Ironic then that now that I have renewed my passion , my research and reading has led me to a greater awareness of just how wrong the whole "relationship" was.

He is a walking, breathing, classic textbook example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
And me? Well he couldn't have asked for a more perfect victim. My own emotional baggage made me just as dependant on his sick twisted patterns as he was. So who was the stupid one....him....or me?

I won't deny that we had fun......one of the hardest things for me right now is deciding what to do with all the good memories...the times that will always mean something special to me. But the painful truth is that I was just a means to an end for him....he didn't see me as I saw him....a person to love....to cherish. In fact the young one and I aren't even persons in his eyes. We have no more value or worth....so what does that say for the memories ???? And I can't escape the fact that I let this happen......the red flags were there but I turned a blind eye. I willingly gave up my identity to him. I served myself up on a silver platter and he ate until he had his fill.

So can I blame him for who he is or what he did if I let it happen? And can you hate a scorpion for being a scorpion?

I know where I came from and I know what I did wrong and I am on the road to changing my life for the better. Onward and upward....that's my motto. When you make a mistake....when you get knocked down...the mature , strong thing to do is dust yourself off......pick yourself up....and forge ahead stronger and (hopefully) smarter.

The thing about narcissists.....they know what they are doing.....they choose to remain that way anyway. So...yea...that does make him the stupid one.

It's Not Me, It's You

Open House at the young one's school last night........seems as if he's having some emotional "issues"....crying and expressing his thoughts about a certain someone who claimed to have cared about him.

And the narcissist a**hole is pissed at me because I returned all his things????????????


Oh, sorry.....I forgot.....he's perfectly healthy and I am the psycho bitch......and it's sooooo mean of me to write this since everyone knows how wonderful he is....just ask him, he'll tell you.

Suddenly I See

The song that became my prayer? " Hear Me "by Jim Brickman (sung by Michael Bolton)
The one word reply? Narcissism

I had heard that song dozens of times before...I am a big Jim Brickman fan although I had to hide that these past few years. But last Monday on my way home from a very important mission I really heard it for the first time. I had to stop the car. I couldn't even form the words to a proper prayer....all I could cry out was "Lord". The next day was when all hell broke loose. I had rattled the cage of the big bad dog and he wasn't happy. I was trying to protect my home and family and I guess he thought he owned the whole neighborhood. He had changed somehow I thought and I couldn't figure out why. He let me go....told me to move on....and when I did he attacked me with a vengence.

The next morning I awoke as ususal...got the young one off to school....checked my email. As I was about to turn off the computer, a word came to mind. It was a word I had heard before...even knew the meaning of....but I didn't know why I thought of it at that moment or why I turned back in my seat to punch it in to the computer. When the results came on the screen I suddenly knew ......it was the answer to my prayer.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wasn't the "crazy ex- girlfriend". It wasn't me who did anything wrong. Every web site I visited , every article I could find.......I kept expecting his picture to pop up. There is no "maybe" or "yea this could be him"....it was "oh my God....how could I have been so blind????" (and yes Bob, I remembered something you always used to say to me......you remember what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget)

But was I blinded by love.....or by a sickness of my own?

I was planning on dismantleing this blog....I didn't want to continue to allow him access to my life. But a trusted friend talked me out of it. She thinks I could do a lot of good with this blog now that I have a purpose. And no...the purpose is not to destroy him.....this newfound knowledge has given me a future....but it doesn't erase the past...a past that involved some very precious memories...and lingering feelings for him that I have yet to define. The purpose is to work through my mistakes and learn from them so I can learn to live again and to build a future for me and the young one that walks with me. I like that idea!

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

Someone recently asked me why God talks to some people and not to others. He asked if I thought God talked to me....and how do I know it's God? I think God speaks to all of us....only we don't always recognize His voice. We tend to expect a booming voice from the clouds when most of the time it's the tiniest whisper that comes from within. It's the truth spoken from a friend....it's a fragment of a dream.......it's a song on the radio.....it's a word you wake up with and don't know why. But you know it's God when you allow that whisper to take root and you act upon the wisdom it brings. I heard a song the other day that became an anguished prayer in a very desperate hour. The one word reply has led me to realize the truth. God doesn't tell us what we need to do (much like your mom would never do your homework for you) but He shows us where to find the answers. That one word He planted in my brain has opened my eyes to the truth....has opened the door to recovery....has saved me from despair.

I now know the reason why he acted like he did....the reason why he is acting like he is now....and the reason why he will never change.

I am learning the reasons why I seem to reject the sane ones and gravitate to the crazy ones and someday soon I will be whole and healthy and ready for what I know will be best for me and the one that walks with me.

The ones that need the medication will have to fend for themselves though. This psycho bitch can only save herself.

Goodbye Stranger

I'ts been nice....hope you find your paradise.

Nice sentiment but I know you won't. When the end began in late July, you were still telling me you needed to let it go "for a while". You thought about moving in together, buying a house, marriage....all those "grown up" things .....but felt you couldn't committ 100%. We had a very playful encounter that night too....the restaurant....your house....it was fun and imaginative. A very confusing night for me to say the least. I believed you because you had asked me so many hard and serious questions up until the very end (and by that I mean as late as last Tuesday). But it turns out that was a lie. You swore.....your mother swore....there was no one else....you weren't even looking as I recall you saying. You had no one in mind. Less than 3 weeks later though there is someone....and now everything has changed. You went from considering a warm loving adult relationship to embracing a "relationship" that consists of getting totally drunk and letting some girl half your age blow you.

So will the real Steve A. please stand up? Because the man I knew and loved for the past 2 1/2 years isn't the one who I see now. Everyone thinks the real you is the one you are now....that what we had was the fantasy that you just couldn't maintain anymore. And I have to believe they are right. I remember now what you were like before we dated....how arrogant and annoying you were at work. How childishly you behaved. I remember now at being surprised when we started dating how different you were. But you were only different with me. Everyone saw....they all knew you weren't capable of loving someone in an adult way. They tried to warn me....but you know I never listen.

I am Tinkerbell to your Peter Pan. Peter didn't love Tinkerbell (even though she always loved him...even when he was chasing after Wendy) Peter loved adventure.....and the thrill of never having any rules or responsibilities.....Peter loved himself. But Pan needed Tink.....because everyone knows the only way to fly was with faith, and trust, and Tink's pixiedust. You never loved me....but you needed me. You are like Pan.....selfish, immature, afraid of growing up. And you needed me to give to you that magic I possess ....you needed me to take care of you.
You may have found a new adventure....but she doesn't possess that pixiedust....and without it you will fall from the sky. You will crash and burn. She is just like you....another one of the "lost boys"....another childish, foolish lost soul without any hope of a future.....not wanting to grow up.
My young one is more mature and wise. When I finally told him the truth last night....told him everything.....( since you are even too immature to do it yourself)....his response?....."That's just silly!"