Some Gotta Win, Some Gotta Lose

I find it ironic that what started this cataclysmic chain of events was me returning the vestiges of our time together. He was "hurt" that I was implying that what we had meant nothing to me. That he was "cherishing" the things I had given him because they were "good memories" for him. But now that I know the truth....and called him out on it.....I am suddenly the "evil" one...the one who is ridiculed and mocked. He had "good memories" as long as I played my part in his sick fantasy world, but once I walked away from the stage he had to rewrite the script. In reality though, there never was any "relationship". What I thought we had exsisted only in my head. It was never what it should have been....or could have been.....because I was busy loving someone who didn't love me back....who couldn't even understand the concept of love. And another thing that is funny is that every time I told him I loved him...he always asked me "why?"....he always wanted to know why I loved him....why I dealt with him. He always admitted to me that he knew he drove me insane....that he knew he had no compassion.....that he knew he received more from me than he gave in return. He always wanted me to admit that I was jealous....jealous of his furniture....jealous of his bank account....jealous of his material possesions. He would tell me outright that he thought he was being a jerk. And through all that I hung on...I assured him that I loved him....that he was worthy......that he was important. I danced with the devil in perfect time. I knew my part and I played it well. I didn't create the monster but I sure knew how to feed it.

But do I regret it? I would have to say no. I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with and even now, knowing what I know, I can say that I have nothing to be ashamed about. It's never wrong to love someone....to want to be loved in return. I didn't do anything wrong...so I guess he and my sister were right after all....it was nothing personal....because he never thought of me as "personal". I was just another "it" that satisfied him till he got bored. And the young one was just that "collateral damage" I guess they talk about in war. The amusing thing though?... Up until I returned all his stuff...he kept asking me why I was so nice to him when he was such a jerk to me. He destroyed the young one without so much as an ounce of regret....yet he is out there waging war on me for calling him on the carpet. He is so self centered that he hasn't even noticed that I have left the battlefield. Not only have I won this battle......I have won the war. But then again he's been fighting himself for years.