Stupid Boy

I have had quite a few jobs in my life. My favorite one was being a library page. I did that for a few years in high school ( a family tradition) My sisters and I practically lived in that library. From an early age I loved to read. To me every new book was an adventure waiting to happen....some new bit of information to cram into my brain. When I had my turn to work there I used to love helping people find things. Even when I wasn't working you would find me there doing all kinds of research....( I told y'all I was a nerd....I actually liked researching and writing term papers). Reading and writing were a big part of my early years.....a big part of who I am....or at least who I was. I have spent the better part of the last three years denying that big part of me.

For the past few years I stopped reading (his ex "read all the time....never wanted to do anything with me") . I gave up something I loved to try to impress him....to show him that I thought he was more important. Ironic then that now that I have renewed my passion , my research and reading has led me to a greater awareness of just how wrong the whole "relationship" was.

He is a walking, breathing, classic textbook example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
And me? Well he couldn't have asked for a more perfect victim. My own emotional baggage made me just as dependant on his sick twisted patterns as he was. So who was the stupid one....him....or me?

I won't deny that we had fun......one of the hardest things for me right now is deciding what to do with all the good memories...the times that will always mean something special to me. But the painful truth is that I was just a means to an end for him....he didn't see me as I saw him....a person to love....to cherish. In fact the young one and I aren't even persons in his eyes. We have no more value or worth....so what does that say for the memories ???? And I can't escape the fact that I let this happen......the red flags were there but I turned a blind eye. I willingly gave up my identity to him. I served myself up on a silver platter and he ate until he had his fill.

So can I blame him for who he is or what he did if I let it happen? And can you hate a scorpion for being a scorpion?

I know where I came from and I know what I did wrong and I am on the road to changing my life for the better. Onward and upward....that's my motto. When you make a mistake....when you get knocked down...the mature , strong thing to do is dust yourself off......pick yourself up....and forge ahead stronger and (hopefully) smarter.

The thing about narcissists.....they know what they are doing.....they choose to remain that way anyway. So...yea...that does make him the stupid one.