Shine

I don't know if it is apparant to you readers, but the titles of most of my posts are either song titles or lines from the lyrics of songs. Music has always been important to me. Iwould rather listen to music than watch TV. My musical tastes vary depending on what mood I am in. My CD library is quite eclectic. Going through them though, I can see a reminder of most every relationship I have been in. From Bob I developed a passion for the Moody Blues( I still have the copy of Threshold of a Dream that you gave me), Pat left a legacy of Neil Diamond, Dave gave me Tim McGraw, Joe plugged me into Jim Brickman and Andrea Bocelli. Steve on the other hand not only left me with nothing(more about that later) I gave to him a certain affinity for Keith Urban. In fact, today's post is titled after a song on his new CD. There's a twist to that though. Usually songs are written for "secular" purposes....but I sometimes imagine certain "love songs" as being sung for me from God. They are so pure in their message that I can understand them to be something other than what I am sure the songwriter intended. But that is the beauty in God.....he inspires us all in ways that touch other's lives without us even realizing it.

Steve, because of his "limitations" , doesn't have much to offer of his own self so he tends to follow along with what others say, do, or think. I am a big Keith Urban fan....in fact I have a certain favorite CD that I consider the ultimate "road trip" CD. We have listened to it often. On that CD is a certain song that has great meaning....a song the young one sings along with Steve....a song that describes a trip we took. A few weeks ago, he asked me about that CD. I asked him why....I knew the reason....but I was hoping I was wrong. He assured me it was because he was "just thinking about it....thinking about singing with the young one" I told him outright that I considered it "our" song....please don't betray that memory. Well that's the thing about his "limitations"....tell him not to do something is just asking for the opposite result. He could have very well gone to the record store and taken the time to read the covers...but he has to take the easy, lazy way and ask me....just rubbing the insult in even further (but he insists there's nothing wrong with him....that I am the crazy one) So not only is he a liar, he has to be cruel about it.

A few months ago, he was talking about a more permanent relationship......buying a house.....handling finances.....even down to the details of how to decorate. So, seeing as I was not the one to lie or cheat or otherwise damgage our relationship, how is it that he feels the need to be so cruel to me? Hmmm......could it be that he is ashamed of himself? I have made no secret of how badly he has hurt the young one....how the young one is still struggling with all this....how this girl he is with is younger than the young one's own siblings. And I can only imagine the story he has spun to this girl who is young enough to be his daughter. He has regressed to teenage behavior......irresponsible teenage behavior at that. And now he is holding out the hope we can be "friends".

Well, as a "friend" Steve, let me be the one to say.....dude, there is something wrong with you. If you "clicked" with someone like her....what does that say about your own maturity level? What are you guys going to do....sneak into her house at night like some sex obssesed teenagers? You're 40 years old for heaven's sake!!!!! You look like a fool. What you did to the young one (and lets be forthright here since everyone else already knows....the young one has Down Syndrome.....his innocent soul and loving nature makes it heartbreaking to watch his emotional struggle) is nothing short of demonically cruel. And you have the nerve to laugh about all this with your new girlfriend (yea....you two are sooo mature) even when I did nothing to you to deserve this. What kind of a man could do this to someone who has shown you nothing but love? I can accept that you changed your mind....even wish you well.... but there is no need to treat me like dirt because you can't handle the consequences of your decisions. I told you about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder not to spite you or hurt you....but as a friend......so maybe you can have some peace in your life. But the way you reacted only proves my point even more.
And I know that I am doing this at my own risk because you (because of your limitations) will attack me even more for saying these things. But that's what I have to say as a friend....because that's what friends should do.....tell you the truth.

So, getting back to the title of this post.....God has found a way to shine in my life. His light will illuminate me and give me the strength I need to examine my faults and reveal my role in the doomed dance we were dancing. The only way to move forward is to honestly face the past.....it will be painful...and difficult.....but I won't be alone. Anything worth having though is worth working for. And a loving, peaceful, purposeful life is definatly worth having. Good thing the young one is such a good and patient teacher.