It Ain't Easy Being Me

I changed my mind. You definitely are!

123 Like a Bird I Sing...Free and Easy Down the Road I Go

A gift, ideally, says, "I thought about you. I considered your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants, your dreams and desires, and found you this token of my esteem that I hope will delight you."

Here's your freedom.......Merry Christmas!

If you never loved me for anything else, love me for this.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Ok all you boys and girls listen up cause I am about to go on a drunken rant and then I will be offline for a while (if the new reader is interested in any updates, he knows where to find me). I lost the light in the living room about an hour and a half ago so I am on the 3rd Corona. Needless to say the painting can wait till tomorrow. It's very yellow btw.....and I like yellow (if I can't use the towels at least I used the paint) My living room....my house...is shaping up nicely. I must say I do have a talent for design although I was offended about your remark about my house....as if to say that you were off enjoying your new girlfriend while I was home "cleaning" my house. I am creating a home....a haven.....a sanctuary....my little corner of the world. How dare you imply that I have nothing better to do with my time....you are out riding around with her where we have gone and where you promised me we still would (and my license is still on there btw....I would like it back)while I am here slaving away like I don't have a life or anything.
I have a lot to offer....more than anything someone so young can.....and if you can't see that (or choose not to see)then that's not my problem. You are the one who will be sorry someday......not me. I will still have my dreams.....my passions....my home....my love. I will be secure in the knowledge that I am smarter and stronger and more alive and that I am not afraid to take chances. I have no limitations. You might think she is more appealing because of her youth but you will soon see that as a liability instead of an asset. I possess the magic....the fire.....the mystery.....the very thing you really crave. I am like no other. You think my love for you is a weakness but that's only because you don't understand love. I actually feel sorry for you. You had everything and you gave it away. Your dad is right....you don't know anything. I am the one who has the key to life and love. I am the one. I am.

But I am not the one making a fool of myself.........you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror of truth. I am not the one afraid to stand on my own. I am not the one who refuses to accept responsibility. I am not the one so immature that I need to chase after someone half my age. (Aha...now I understand the attraction!)

You really do need to grow up.

When You Wish Upon A Star

Dear Kathleen,Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 27:Your natural exuberance is impossible to contain today, so strike up random conversations whenever the mood strikes and see where they lead. You may acquire a new friend, or even a new romance!



Okay so I really don't believe in fate or coincidence or any of that stuff...but I found this pretty amusing today.......mostly because it's so true. OK, I don't mean that to sound conceited or anything but I actually had the nerve today (before I read this) to ask someone something that has been on my mind . And I actually have found a new friend....and an ability I had forgotten I had. Sometimes a safe escape is all you need to kick start your self confidence. But I best be careful cause my Achilles heel is showing.

Horton Hears A Who

Another age old question for you.....if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it does it still make a sound?
You have always encouraged my writing but I am left to wonder why since my words really have no impact on you. My very survival right now depends on being heard but, like the Who's in Dr. Suess's story ,no one believes I exsist. I still maintain that I don't need you....but I realized during this long sleepless night that I do need you to hear me. I need you to understand who I am and why I do the things I do. I need to know that this wasn't all just wasted time....that at some point in time my love meant something to you. I am keenly aware that I have been a big disappointment to my family (my children included). I have never been able to live up to people's expectations of me. I was told early and often that my dreams, my ideas, my passions, my desires were silly and unrealistic. I never quite was what they wanted me to be. And yet inside of me I carried this yearning to be loved unconditionally. But it seemed like everyone I offered my love to only wanted what I could do for them....and I was good at that.....my greatest strength is my ability to love....my ability to empty myself into another. But the more I gave the more they expected of me....like they felt my purpose was to feed them....to comfort them...to provide security.....like I owed them that. My daughter used to say that I only loved her because I had to. But you don't have to love anyone. Love is a gift. It's not a contract that provides a set payment for set services. So I am not really complaining that people began to use me because I have never regretted giving my love to anyone....and up until now I never really felt the need for anything in return. To answer your question....yes I loved Pat at one time.....and I will have to admit that in a way I loved Dave too. But the loneliness and pain of those relationships revealed the dry river bed underneath. I was betrayed and tossed aside, told I was worthless, laughed at.....yet all I would need to do is pick up the phone and they would be only 2 on a list of people who would gladly have that second chance because they know what I can do for them.
There is something about you that I can't define. What was a river with them seems like an ocean with you. You are so wide and deep in me that I can't see the shore. I don't know how or when or even why it happened.....why I love you like I do....all I know is that I do. And I know this all means nothing to you but I have no way to hold back the waves. I just try my best to ride them out....sometimes I can....sometimes (like last night) I can't. I have always known you didn't love me like that.....you guard well within yourself any sign of emotion....but that didn't matter to me....it still doesn't. I only know one way to love and that's with everything I am. You know that, you've seen it......but it's not what you want. Telling me to move on....to forget about you is useless....that would be like telling me to cease to be.It's impossible. Someday you will be on that list too. Because you will come to realize what they have....that despite what my mother thinks....my dreams....my ideas...my passions...my desires ......are real. Only now......I want to be loved like that too.

Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

An age old question, I know. But do fools fall in love...or does love make you a fool?

I so enjoyed our conversations today. I had no idea you were just passing time until she got off work.

Don't You Want Somebody To Love?

It's Friday. I used to love Fridays... it was my favorite day of the week. During the day I loved the anticipation of being with the one I loved and, come evening, the anticipation gave way to excitement. I don't like Friday so much anymore. Saturdays were always nice too....but in a different way. Saturday brought the security and peace of knowing you weren't alone in this world. You had a partner, a witness to all the ordinary things that make a life. Sharing the work load, talking, laughing, ....all the simple things that mark most of our time here on earth. The Bible is filled with stories of God's intention that we travel in pairs. He formed man in His image and likeness but yet realized man was incomplete without a partner. He formed women in His image and likeness too....but we also possess that small part of man that God took away from him so that we are forever connected to each other.
You asked me once if you loved things about me was that the same as loving me? Well I have a question....is it you I love or is it who we are together that I love?

I Want a New Drug

Habits........everyone has them. That morning cup of coffee, that daily jog around the neighborhood, checking the locks before you go to bed at night, kissing your lover good night.....some habits are quite useful and satisfying...even good for you. Then there are the bad ones. The dark ones that torment us. The drugs we think we need to make it through the day.....or night. But there's a differance between habits and addiction. We control our habits....the addictions control us.
You quit me cold turkey....just walked away and didn't look back after 2 1/2 years.....like we never exsisted. You can live the rest of your life without talking to me.....without touching me.....without waking up next to me. No scratches....no scars.....no worse for wear.
I know that I don't need you.....I have been the master of my own fate for over 15 years now. I might have swung and missed a few times, but I always come back up to bat. ( and I don't even like baseball all that much). But I know that I want you. And the loss of the sound of your voice...the taste of your kisses......the feel of your skin next to mine is as real a pain as any an addict feels in withdrawl.

So are you my habit.....or my addiction?
Does it even really matter?

creamofchickensoupontoast

It occured to me that I have never explained exactly what the name of this blog signifies. You "older" readers know but for you "new" ones (and you know who you are) the memory might escape you. Everyone has that ultimate comfort food.....the thing you turn to when your appetite for life hits an all time low. For me it has always been cream of chicken soup on toast. It started in high school (long before I discovered Captain and Diet Coke) and has been my "drug of choice" since. It started with #44 ....and ended with #150. It's kind of been taken off my diet (128 for those of you counting at home and since you always do what you say you are going to do you know what I want when I hit that magic number). This blog has become my "ultimate comfort food" now. A way to seek solace without all the calories. Besides, I don't have a toaster anymore. ( I hear they make lovely parting gifts)
Anyway, I have been told I am good with words and ideas but really this is just a way for me to find peace with the emotional baggage I can't seem to ditch elsewhere. Funny thing about this blog though is that it's basically just a love song written for someone who can't dance from someone who's forgotten how to play the music. So the words might sound pretty...and sometimes even rhyme but the meaning has somehow been lost. I keep throwing them out there though in the hope that one day one word...one idea will take root and grow into the fruit that will feed both our souls. Now that's what I consider the "ultimate comfort food".

I Play Chicken With the Train

I couldn't see the river this morning when I crossed the bridge and it made me sad. Even though it's not "the" river I still lower the windows so I can smell the water and remember what it felt like to be on it with you. Those memories make me smile and help keep you alive inside of me. The fog was pretty thick and I was startled by the sharp whistle of a train passing beneath the bridge. The same track that ran behind the old house. I always found that sound comforting when I used to lie awake watching you sleep. I found myself wondering where it was headed. One track can lead to so many different places . I let my mind wander through the memories of all the places we have been and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer number of them. How did we manage to log all those miles....all those memories ...in such a brief time? The whistle was fading and I imagined you aboard the last car...in the doorway waving goodbye. I thought maybe I could outrun you to the next crossing...but damn this traffic!!! Then I remembered....I could fly! (All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixiedust). How could I have forgotten I had been flying all along? It was you who remained planted on firm ground...no matter how hard I tried to teach you to fly.
One thing I have always loved about you was your sense of adventure....your ability to push things to the limit...your willingness to take chances. But I realize now that the drawback to living on the edge is that you get so close but never quite take that leap of faith ....that last chance..... that undeniable high you get from just letting go and free falling into the great unknown. It's like you don't believe me when I say I can fly even though I have done it before. You deal with logic and concrete material things and you can't understand where my faith comes from...can't understand how I can just jump off that cliff ...can't trust something that can't be seen...can't be defined. And I can't understand how you can cling so tightly to firm ground even as the earth moves beneath you. I don't understand why you can't believe in someone...something ....bigger than yourself.....especially when that's what you are searching for. How can you hope to find something you aren't even sure you can believe in? You know I have the answers....that's why you ask me so many questions....so why don't you believe me when I tell you what it is you long to hear? Can the truth be that frightening to you? I never thought of you as afraid of anything....(ok maybe heights but I climbed the rickety old ladder to show you I can conquer my fears remember?) You are curious and smart ...you just need some faith...some trust.... and a little bit of...well you know what comes next.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Just because I cry easily people think I am weak. I don't understand. I don't run from anything....especially my feelings. I have stepped out into the great unknown more than once in my life and I have the scars to prove it. I know what I believe, I know what I imagine, and I know who and what I am....and I am not afraid to face the demons that tell me otherwise. I have the strength to dream, the strength to hope, the strength to face the young one's questions (even smile at some of his ideas to make things right)...I even had the strength to let go( when it was the last thing I ever wanted to do) because I knew it was the right thing to do. The tears are an outpouring of the emotion that runs deep within me....a testament to the love I carry for those who have touched my heart. I will never be ashamed of those tears because if they ever run dry that means the wellspring of love is gone too. So I will cry....I will grieve......I will forever miss what was once the source of my deepest happiness.....but I will collect these tears to water my love...to keep it alive until the one who is meant to find me does. Love is what makes me strong...and the more I give it, the stronger I am. That's what makes me stronger than you. More vulnerable....but definatly stronger.

Then Maybe You Should Have Asked

It's 2:00 a.m. I really wish I could sleep. The couch is uncomfortable and the young one has claimed the spare room. It's way too hot in his room. I stood in the doorway and thought about the big iron bed....but I just can't bear the thought of climbing in there alone yet. Maybe someday. Maybe never. It's just too soon to tell. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing while expecting a different result. I suppose I am as insane as one can get then. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. You can only give so much without getting anything in return for so long before you are completely empty. I did an old friend a favor today. I was happy to do it...for one instant I was needed again. I really thought the call was to wish me luck...to encourage me....to support me in my quest today, but another friend was on his mind. The other friend had his request granted(but you already knew that).....do you want to know if mine was?

Someday I'll finally accept that no one really cares.