Horton Hears A Who

Another age old question for you.....if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it does it still make a sound?
You have always encouraged my writing but I am left to wonder why since my words really have no impact on you. My very survival right now depends on being heard but, like the Who's in Dr. Suess's story ,no one believes I exsist. I still maintain that I don't need you....but I realized during this long sleepless night that I do need you to hear me. I need you to understand who I am and why I do the things I do. I need to know that this wasn't all just wasted time....that at some point in time my love meant something to you. I am keenly aware that I have been a big disappointment to my family (my children included). I have never been able to live up to people's expectations of me. I was told early and often that my dreams, my ideas, my passions, my desires were silly and unrealistic. I never quite was what they wanted me to be. And yet inside of me I carried this yearning to be loved unconditionally. But it seemed like everyone I offered my love to only wanted what I could do for them....and I was good at that.....my greatest strength is my ability to love....my ability to empty myself into another. But the more I gave the more they expected of me....like they felt my purpose was to feed them....to comfort them...to provide security.....like I owed them that. My daughter used to say that I only loved her because I had to. But you don't have to love anyone. Love is a gift. It's not a contract that provides a set payment for set services. So I am not really complaining that people began to use me because I have never regretted giving my love to anyone....and up until now I never really felt the need for anything in return. To answer your question....yes I loved Pat at one time.....and I will have to admit that in a way I loved Dave too. But the loneliness and pain of those relationships revealed the dry river bed underneath. I was betrayed and tossed aside, told I was worthless, laughed at.....yet all I would need to do is pick up the phone and they would be only 2 on a list of people who would gladly have that second chance because they know what I can do for them.
There is something about you that I can't define. What was a river with them seems like an ocean with you. You are so wide and deep in me that I can't see the shore. I don't know how or when or even why it happened.....why I love you like I do....all I know is that I do. And I know this all means nothing to you but I have no way to hold back the waves. I just try my best to ride them out....sometimes I can....sometimes (like last night) I can't. I have always known you didn't love me like that.....you guard well within yourself any sign of emotion....but that didn't matter to me....it still doesn't. I only know one way to love and that's with everything I am. You know that, you've seen it......but it's not what you want. Telling me to move on....to forget about you is useless....that would be like telling me to cease to be.It's impossible. Someday you will be on that list too. Because you will come to realize what they have....that despite what my mother thinks....my dreams....my ideas...my passions...my desires ......are real. Only now......I want to be loved like that too.