I Play Chicken With the Train

I couldn't see the river this morning when I crossed the bridge and it made me sad. Even though it's not "the" river I still lower the windows so I can smell the water and remember what it felt like to be on it with you. Those memories make me smile and help keep you alive inside of me. The fog was pretty thick and I was startled by the sharp whistle of a train passing beneath the bridge. The same track that ran behind the old house. I always found that sound comforting when I used to lie awake watching you sleep. I found myself wondering where it was headed. One track can lead to so many different places . I let my mind wander through the memories of all the places we have been and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer number of them. How did we manage to log all those miles....all those memories ...in such a brief time? The whistle was fading and I imagined you aboard the last car...in the doorway waving goodbye. I thought maybe I could outrun you to the next crossing...but damn this traffic!!! Then I remembered....I could fly! (All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixiedust). How could I have forgotten I had been flying all along? It was you who remained planted on firm ground...no matter how hard I tried to teach you to fly.
One thing I have always loved about you was your sense of adventure....your ability to push things to the limit...your willingness to take chances. But I realize now that the drawback to living on the edge is that you get so close but never quite take that leap of faith ....that last chance..... that undeniable high you get from just letting go and free falling into the great unknown. It's like you don't believe me when I say I can fly even though I have done it before. You deal with logic and concrete material things and you can't understand where my faith comes from...can't understand how I can just jump off that cliff ...can't trust something that can't be seen...can't be defined. And I can't understand how you can cling so tightly to firm ground even as the earth moves beneath you. I don't understand why you can't believe in someone...something ....bigger than yourself.....especially when that's what you are searching for. How can you hope to find something you aren't even sure you can believe in? You know I have the answers....that's why you ask me so many questions....so why don't you believe me when I tell you what it is you long to hear? Can the truth be that frightening to you? I never thought of you as afraid of anything....(ok maybe heights but I climbed the rickety old ladder to show you I can conquer my fears remember?) You are curious and smart ...you just need some faith...some trust.... and a little bit of...well you know what comes next.