Suddenly I See

The song that became my prayer? " Hear Me "by Jim Brickman (sung by Michael Bolton)
The one word reply? Narcissism

I had heard that song dozens of times before...I am a big Jim Brickman fan although I had to hide that these past few years. But last Monday on my way home from a very important mission I really heard it for the first time. I had to stop the car. I couldn't even form the words to a proper prayer....all I could cry out was "Lord". The next day was when all hell broke loose. I had rattled the cage of the big bad dog and he wasn't happy. I was trying to protect my home and family and I guess he thought he owned the whole neighborhood. He had changed somehow I thought and I couldn't figure out why. He let me go....told me to move on....and when I did he attacked me with a vengence.

The next morning I awoke as ususal...got the young one off to school....checked my email. As I was about to turn off the computer, a word came to mind. It was a word I had heard before...even knew the meaning of....but I didn't know why I thought of it at that moment or why I turned back in my seat to punch it in to the computer. When the results came on the screen I suddenly knew ......it was the answer to my prayer.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wasn't the "crazy ex- girlfriend". It wasn't me who did anything wrong. Every web site I visited , every article I could find.......I kept expecting his picture to pop up. There is no "maybe" or "yea this could be him"....it was "oh my God....how could I have been so blind????" (and yes Bob, I remembered something you always used to say to me......you remember what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget)

But was I blinded by love.....or by a sickness of my own?

I was planning on dismantleing this blog....I didn't want to continue to allow him access to my life. But a trusted friend talked me out of it. She thinks I could do a lot of good with this blog now that I have a purpose. And no...the purpose is not to destroy him.....this newfound knowledge has given me a future....but it doesn't erase the past...a past that involved some very precious memories...and lingering feelings for him that I have yet to define. The purpose is to work through my mistakes and learn from them so I can learn to live again and to build a future for me and the young one that walks with me. I like that idea!