Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Someone who has known me for a long time made an interesting observation.  They said that, although they had never seen me happier than when I was with Steve, they also saw that I was not "myself".  I was puzzled by that assesment and I have been thinking about that for a few weeks now.....what exactly did they mean?  How was I different....and why?
So, being the curious person I am....I started an unscientific poll.  I didn't like the results.  There was widespread agreement that I had taken leave of my senses.

My list of priorities in life had always been God, family and friends....in that order.   I taught Sunday school......I coached t-ball......I was a Brownie leader......I was a public official....I homeschooled the young one for 4 years. Holidays were truly Holy Days here with the Advent wreath and Jesse tree.....Lent was a season and not just eating fish on Fridays.  My children and grandchildren were regulars for Sunday dinner and spirited games of Scrabble afterward.  Acts of charity I won't mention here because I did them for the love of God and not for any personal gain.  I always thought we all had a purpose in life.......that we had an obligation to leave the world a little better than we had found it.....that you should treat people with the respect and dignity that all children of God deserve.  I marched on Washington several times on behalf of those without a voice.  

Something happened though that I don't understand.  I abandoned the practice of my faith and my family.  I rushed headlong into his world.  Most everyone I talked to said that was what surprised them the most.......the Catholic and the atheist.....the older "earth mother" and the young irresponsible kid.  

I think to him I was a curiosity.....but he soon became my temptation....my addiction.  He seemed interested in my religion.....my prayers and my devotions.....he asked a lot of questions and I thought I had the answers.  I don't know....maybe I thought I was saving him ( he even told me once that if he ever was saved it would be because of me)  But I don't have any power to save anyone.......I couldn't even save myself.  Everthing I had been taught....everything I believed seemed to get pushed aside in my quest to be accepted by him.  Oh to be sure....there were times when I was aware of that on some level....there were times I was most uncomfortable being a part of his conversations and his lifestyle ....but I laughed along just so he would "like" me.  I will never forget one particular conversation.....he and his mother were discussing the suicide of a "close personal friend".  This man's young daughter was the one to find him.........an incredibly horrid, sad situation.  But they were laughing about it!  It makes me sick to my stomach to recall that I pretended to be amused with the conversation too.  Everything was a joke to him.....including me and Brian it turns out.

But yet....I don't hold that against him.......he's not a believer so how could I fault him?   I was the believer....I knew better....I am the guilty one.  I was a poor example to my children....my grandchildren....and even to him.  I presented myself as a Christian but I certainly wasn't acting like one when I was with him.  I became selfish......concerned only with what I wanted no matter the cost.  I was the one who allowed God's pure love to be perverted  and missused.

My reading list is quite extensive right now...... I started with all the Narcissism stuff because I wanted it to be all his fault (you really do need to read Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss)  
But I soon realized I was comparing apples to oranges.  The issue for me wasn't what Steve was or wasn't....the issue for me was how to find my way back home.  How to make my life right.  The thing is....I didn't have to go far.  My shelf is crammed with almost all of Fulton Sheen's books......with a large collection of C.S. Lewis.....with the works of St. Augustine....St. Thomas Aquinas.....St. Francis.....Mother Teresa. ....He always did say he liked my answers better.....I was raised on a total Catholic school education....I studied the saints and the scholars.....I live the Bible through the liturgical year....I might have neglected it these past few years.....but by the Grace of God, I haven't forgotten it.

And yet......I find myself loving Steve even more now....because I understand now....I understand the fall from Grace.... I understand the healing power of redemption....I understand the mystery  will be revealed some day on the other side of this life.....

our lives do not then depend on the principle of avoiding sin, which is a tiresome job,but on living  constantly in the climate of Divine Love.....Fulton Sheen