Judging by the lack of comments recently I think it's safe to say that nobody is reading this anymore. It's like shouting at the edge of a canyon....all you hear is your own echo. Maybe it's better this way.... a chance to release some of the crushing weight of the pain with no audience to witness the humiliation. A chance to be brutaly honest.....with myself......about myself.
It's been exactly 15 years to the day when my life ended. All that I was.....all that I ever wanted to be......died with one "we have to talk". And I had to hear something I already knew but that I had chosen to bury so deep inside. A pain so severe that none of us have ever recovered. I tried to forge a new life in a world I didn't recognize. I was trying not to drown but I had no life jacket and the waves were so high and powerful. I grabbed the first rope thrown me but I lost my charges in the sea. It turns out none of us were safe anyway. That rope turned out to be a noose around the young one's throat. So off into the sea I went again. This time it was even worse. I had no compass....no way to know where I was going. I was sure I learned how to swim.....but I could barely tread water. And the weight I carried was complicating things further. I couldn't see the shore....couldn't even remember which direction it was in. And all the while there were the vultures overhead....taunting me....waiting for me to fail so they could feast on my remains.But I struggled on.
A second rope was offered and this one was more welcoming. But I was tired from my ordeal and numb all over. The rest did me good but the respite didn't last. And then you came along, quite out of the blue, offering adventure , excitement...and most importantly....friendship. Once again I was swept away.
Steven, you came into my life unexpectantly. I had been lost and alone for some time. True I had recovered my lost charges....and the sea was relativly calm by then....but I was still so far from home. I was exsisting...not really living. There was something inside of me still searching for reason to believe there was a place for me in this world. You filled my emptiness so quickly and so completly. Your friendship was unlike anything I had ever known before with a man. And I fell....boy did I fall. You filled my life with laughter and gave me what I thought was a safe place to land. I was happy for the first time in so long. I have done more, seen more, experienced more in these short few years than I ever had before. But more importantly, I felt like I was home. I had a place.....an identity... a partner in life and love. You touched my heart and soul and there were times, when we made love, that I truly felt so one with you and the universe that it made me shiver. And I couldn't understand why no one was happy for me.
I guess it's true that people can be so blinded by love that they never see the danger....never see the train come barrelling down the tracks. But they saw it all too clear. I guess love makes you deaf too because I never heard their cries of warning.
So now that I have been hit by the train , and the wreckage lays scattered on the tracks, I wonder if I will ever recover again. I wonder a lot of things. I wonder why ......
So many questions but so few answers.
One thing the train wreck did was to open my eyes and ears. And I have to ask myself to honestly evaluate what I see and hear. What I see are the many reminders of the love I thought I had found with you. There's not a room in this house (hell, even this house itself) that doesn't bear your presence in my life. What I see is an empty bed.
What I hear is more difficult to pin down...because I hear so many conflicting things....and what I don't hear is even more difficult to bear. You say you miss me.....you say you love me....but you say you don't want me. What does this all mean for me? I try so hard to hear the heartbeat of hope in what you say much like all those times I lay awake with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. And I wonder what it is you miss. Will you miss the way I kissed you everytime we crossed a state line? Will you miss the way I ran my fingers along your back after we made love? Will you miss all those mornings drinking coffee and watching the weather channel?......all those goodnight calls?......the way I touched your face?....my lousy sense of direction? I just don't know. Something in the way I am.....the things I say and do makes you unhappy. But what that is only you know. I always told you I loved you every night because I didn't want you to ever have to wonder how I feel about you......because uncertainty is the hardest thing to take.
You tell me you don't expect me to wait for you to decide. But after 2 years what is there to decide? Should I hear.....hey I'm really still thinking about you here....or should I hear you might as well get on with your life cause I'm done here.? All I know is that you will have no problem moving on and that scares me.You have a fabulous life waiting.... a family who really loves you....friends.....toys to fill your time. All that has now been taken away from me...so what "life" am I supposed to get on with? I really thought I was a big part of your life too. But now I don't know.
I don't know anything except I love you and I just can't turn that off. And I know that because I love you I have to let you go. You've done this before but you've always come back. This time you took all your things and I have to ask myself if you are ever coming back to me. I am scared and confused. I wonder if you picked this weekend because you wanted me to be angry with you....you wanted me to hate you...so that it would be easier on you, and me, because you know you won't be back. I also wonder if I can trust you with my heart again....wow you don't know how hard it was to just write that.
There's a line to a song that always makes me cry when I hear it.......I don't want to lose you....but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side....and I don't want to hate but I don't want to take you and I don't want to be the one to cry.........there's a danger in loving somebody too much and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
Maybe it's me I can't trust with my heart.
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