It's Not Me, It's You

Open House at the young one's school last night........seems as if he's having some emotional "issues"....crying and expressing his thoughts about a certain someone who claimed to have cared about him.

And the narcissist a**hole is pissed at me because I returned all his things????????????


Oh, sorry.....I forgot.....he's perfectly healthy and I am the psycho bitch......and it's sooooo mean of me to write this since everyone knows how wonderful he is....just ask him, he'll tell you.

Suddenly I See

The song that became my prayer? " Hear Me "by Jim Brickman (sung by Michael Bolton)
The one word reply? Narcissism

I had heard that song dozens of times before...I am a big Jim Brickman fan although I had to hide that these past few years. But last Monday on my way home from a very important mission I really heard it for the first time. I had to stop the car. I couldn't even form the words to a proper prayer....all I could cry out was "Lord". The next day was when all hell broke loose. I had rattled the cage of the big bad dog and he wasn't happy. I was trying to protect my home and family and I guess he thought he owned the whole neighborhood. He had changed somehow I thought and I couldn't figure out why. He let me go....told me to move on....and when I did he attacked me with a vengence.

The next morning I awoke as ususal...got the young one off to school....checked my email. As I was about to turn off the computer, a word came to mind. It was a word I had heard before...even knew the meaning of....but I didn't know why I thought of it at that moment or why I turned back in my seat to punch it in to the computer. When the results came on the screen I suddenly knew ......it was the answer to my prayer.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wasn't the "crazy ex- girlfriend". It wasn't me who did anything wrong. Every web site I visited , every article I could find.......I kept expecting his picture to pop up. There is no "maybe" or "yea this could be him"....it was "oh my God....how could I have been so blind????" (and yes Bob, I remembered something you always used to say to me......you remember what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget)

But was I blinded by love.....or by a sickness of my own?

I was planning on dismantleing this blog....I didn't want to continue to allow him access to my life. But a trusted friend talked me out of it. She thinks I could do a lot of good with this blog now that I have a purpose. And no...the purpose is not to destroy him.....this newfound knowledge has given me a future....but it doesn't erase the past...a past that involved some very precious memories...and lingering feelings for him that I have yet to define. The purpose is to work through my mistakes and learn from them so I can learn to live again and to build a future for me and the young one that walks with me. I like that idea!

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

Someone recently asked me why God talks to some people and not to others. He asked if I thought God talked to me....and how do I know it's God? I think God speaks to all of us....only we don't always recognize His voice. We tend to expect a booming voice from the clouds when most of the time it's the tiniest whisper that comes from within. It's the truth spoken from a friend....it's a fragment of a dream.......it's a song on the radio.....it's a word you wake up with and don't know why. But you know it's God when you allow that whisper to take root and you act upon the wisdom it brings. I heard a song the other day that became an anguished prayer in a very desperate hour. The one word reply has led me to realize the truth. God doesn't tell us what we need to do (much like your mom would never do your homework for you) but He shows us where to find the answers. That one word He planted in my brain has opened my eyes to the truth....has opened the door to recovery....has saved me from despair.

I now know the reason why he acted like he did....the reason why he is acting like he is now....and the reason why he will never change.

I am learning the reasons why I seem to reject the sane ones and gravitate to the crazy ones and someday soon I will be whole and healthy and ready for what I know will be best for me and the one that walks with me.

The ones that need the medication will have to fend for themselves though. This psycho bitch can only save herself.

Goodbye Stranger

I'ts been nice....hope you find your paradise.

Nice sentiment but I know you won't. When the end began in late July, you were still telling me you needed to let it go "for a while". You thought about moving in together, buying a house, marriage....all those "grown up" things .....but felt you couldn't committ 100%. We had a very playful encounter that night too....the restaurant....your house....it was fun and imaginative. A very confusing night for me to say the least. I believed you because you had asked me so many hard and serious questions up until the very end (and by that I mean as late as last Tuesday). But it turns out that was a lie. You swore.....your mother swore....there was no one else....you weren't even looking as I recall you saying. You had no one in mind. Less than 3 weeks later though there is someone....and now everything has changed. You went from considering a warm loving adult relationship to embracing a "relationship" that consists of getting totally drunk and letting some girl half your age blow you.

So will the real Steve A. please stand up? Because the man I knew and loved for the past 2 1/2 years isn't the one who I see now. Everyone thinks the real you is the one you are now....that what we had was the fantasy that you just couldn't maintain anymore. And I have to believe they are right. I remember now what you were like before we dated....how arrogant and annoying you were at work. How childishly you behaved. I remember now at being surprised when we started dating how different you were. But you were only different with me. Everyone saw....they all knew you weren't capable of loving someone in an adult way. They tried to warn me....but you know I never listen.

I am Tinkerbell to your Peter Pan. Peter didn't love Tinkerbell (even though she always loved him...even when he was chasing after Wendy) Peter loved adventure.....and the thrill of never having any rules or responsibilities.....Peter loved himself. But Pan needed Tink.....because everyone knows the only way to fly was with faith, and trust, and Tink's pixiedust. You never loved me....but you needed me. You are like Pan.....selfish, immature, afraid of growing up. And you needed me to give to you that magic I possess ....you needed me to take care of you.
You may have found a new adventure....but she doesn't possess that pixiedust....and without it you will fall from the sky. You will crash and burn. She is just like you....another one of the "lost boys"....another childish, foolish lost soul without any hope of a future.....not wanting to grow up.
My young one is more mature and wise. When I finally told him the truth last night....told him everything.....( since you are even too immature to do it yourself)....his response?....."That's just silly!"

It Ain't Easy Being Me

I changed my mind. You definitely are!

123 Like a Bird I Sing...Free and Easy Down the Road I Go

A gift, ideally, says, "I thought about you. I considered your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants, your dreams and desires, and found you this token of my esteem that I hope will delight you."

Here's your freedom.......Merry Christmas!

If you never loved me for anything else, love me for this.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Ok all you boys and girls listen up cause I am about to go on a drunken rant and then I will be offline for a while (if the new reader is interested in any updates, he knows where to find me). I lost the light in the living room about an hour and a half ago so I am on the 3rd Corona. Needless to say the painting can wait till tomorrow. It's very yellow btw.....and I like yellow (if I can't use the towels at least I used the paint) My living room....my house...is shaping up nicely. I must say I do have a talent for design although I was offended about your remark about my house....as if to say that you were off enjoying your new girlfriend while I was home "cleaning" my house. I am creating a home....a haven.....a sanctuary....my little corner of the world. How dare you imply that I have nothing better to do with my time....you are out riding around with her where we have gone and where you promised me we still would (and my license is still on there btw....I would like it back)while I am here slaving away like I don't have a life or anything.
I have a lot to offer....more than anything someone so young can.....and if you can't see that (or choose not to see)then that's not my problem. You are the one who will be sorry someday......not me. I will still have my dreams.....my passions....my home....my love. I will be secure in the knowledge that I am smarter and stronger and more alive and that I am not afraid to take chances. I have no limitations. You might think she is more appealing because of her youth but you will soon see that as a liability instead of an asset. I possess the magic....the fire.....the mystery.....the very thing you really crave. I am like no other. You think my love for you is a weakness but that's only because you don't understand love. I actually feel sorry for you. You had everything and you gave it away. Your dad is right....you don't know anything. I am the one who has the key to life and love. I am the one. I am.

But I am not the one making a fool of myself.........you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror of truth. I am not the one afraid to stand on my own. I am not the one who refuses to accept responsibility. I am not the one so immature that I need to chase after someone half my age. (Aha...now I understand the attraction!)

You really do need to grow up.

When You Wish Upon A Star

Dear Kathleen,Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 27:Your natural exuberance is impossible to contain today, so strike up random conversations whenever the mood strikes and see where they lead. You may acquire a new friend, or even a new romance!



Okay so I really don't believe in fate or coincidence or any of that stuff...but I found this pretty amusing today.......mostly because it's so true. OK, I don't mean that to sound conceited or anything but I actually had the nerve today (before I read this) to ask someone something that has been on my mind . And I actually have found a new friend....and an ability I had forgotten I had. Sometimes a safe escape is all you need to kick start your self confidence. But I best be careful cause my Achilles heel is showing.

Horton Hears A Who

Another age old question for you.....if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it does it still make a sound?
You have always encouraged my writing but I am left to wonder why since my words really have no impact on you. My very survival right now depends on being heard but, like the Who's in Dr. Suess's story ,no one believes I exsist. I still maintain that I don't need you....but I realized during this long sleepless night that I do need you to hear me. I need you to understand who I am and why I do the things I do. I need to know that this wasn't all just wasted time....that at some point in time my love meant something to you. I am keenly aware that I have been a big disappointment to my family (my children included). I have never been able to live up to people's expectations of me. I was told early and often that my dreams, my ideas, my passions, my desires were silly and unrealistic. I never quite was what they wanted me to be. And yet inside of me I carried this yearning to be loved unconditionally. But it seemed like everyone I offered my love to only wanted what I could do for them....and I was good at that.....my greatest strength is my ability to love....my ability to empty myself into another. But the more I gave the more they expected of me....like they felt my purpose was to feed them....to comfort them...to provide security.....like I owed them that. My daughter used to say that I only loved her because I had to. But you don't have to love anyone. Love is a gift. It's not a contract that provides a set payment for set services. So I am not really complaining that people began to use me because I have never regretted giving my love to anyone....and up until now I never really felt the need for anything in return. To answer your question....yes I loved Pat at one time.....and I will have to admit that in a way I loved Dave too. But the loneliness and pain of those relationships revealed the dry river bed underneath. I was betrayed and tossed aside, told I was worthless, laughed at.....yet all I would need to do is pick up the phone and they would be only 2 on a list of people who would gladly have that second chance because they know what I can do for them.
There is something about you that I can't define. What was a river with them seems like an ocean with you. You are so wide and deep in me that I can't see the shore. I don't know how or when or even why it happened.....why I love you like I do....all I know is that I do. And I know this all means nothing to you but I have no way to hold back the waves. I just try my best to ride them out....sometimes I can....sometimes (like last night) I can't. I have always known you didn't love me like that.....you guard well within yourself any sign of emotion....but that didn't matter to me....it still doesn't. I only know one way to love and that's with everything I am. You know that, you've seen it......but it's not what you want. Telling me to move on....to forget about you is useless....that would be like telling me to cease to be.It's impossible. Someday you will be on that list too. Because you will come to realize what they have....that despite what my mother thinks....my dreams....my ideas...my passions...my desires ......are real. Only now......I want to be loved like that too.

Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

An age old question, I know. But do fools fall in love...or does love make you a fool?

I so enjoyed our conversations today. I had no idea you were just passing time until she got off work.

Don't You Want Somebody To Love?

It's Friday. I used to love Fridays... it was my favorite day of the week. During the day I loved the anticipation of being with the one I loved and, come evening, the anticipation gave way to excitement. I don't like Friday so much anymore. Saturdays were always nice too....but in a different way. Saturday brought the security and peace of knowing you weren't alone in this world. You had a partner, a witness to all the ordinary things that make a life. Sharing the work load, talking, laughing, ....all the simple things that mark most of our time here on earth. The Bible is filled with stories of God's intention that we travel in pairs. He formed man in His image and likeness but yet realized man was incomplete without a partner. He formed women in His image and likeness too....but we also possess that small part of man that God took away from him so that we are forever connected to each other.
You asked me once if you loved things about me was that the same as loving me? Well I have a question....is it you I love or is it who we are together that I love?

I Want a New Drug

Habits........everyone has them. That morning cup of coffee, that daily jog around the neighborhood, checking the locks before you go to bed at night, kissing your lover good night.....some habits are quite useful and satisfying...even good for you. Then there are the bad ones. The dark ones that torment us. The drugs we think we need to make it through the day.....or night. But there's a differance between habits and addiction. We control our habits....the addictions control us.
You quit me cold turkey....just walked away and didn't look back after 2 1/2 years.....like we never exsisted. You can live the rest of your life without talking to me.....without touching me.....without waking up next to me. No scratches....no scars.....no worse for wear.
I know that I don't need you.....I have been the master of my own fate for over 15 years now. I might have swung and missed a few times, but I always come back up to bat. ( and I don't even like baseball all that much). But I know that I want you. And the loss of the sound of your voice...the taste of your kisses......the feel of your skin next to mine is as real a pain as any an addict feels in withdrawl.

So are you my habit.....or my addiction?
Does it even really matter?

creamofchickensoupontoast

It occured to me that I have never explained exactly what the name of this blog signifies. You "older" readers know but for you "new" ones (and you know who you are) the memory might escape you. Everyone has that ultimate comfort food.....the thing you turn to when your appetite for life hits an all time low. For me it has always been cream of chicken soup on toast. It started in high school (long before I discovered Captain and Diet Coke) and has been my "drug of choice" since. It started with #44 ....and ended with #150. It's kind of been taken off my diet (128 for those of you counting at home and since you always do what you say you are going to do you know what I want when I hit that magic number). This blog has become my "ultimate comfort food" now. A way to seek solace without all the calories. Besides, I don't have a toaster anymore. ( I hear they make lovely parting gifts)
Anyway, I have been told I am good with words and ideas but really this is just a way for me to find peace with the emotional baggage I can't seem to ditch elsewhere. Funny thing about this blog though is that it's basically just a love song written for someone who can't dance from someone who's forgotten how to play the music. So the words might sound pretty...and sometimes even rhyme but the meaning has somehow been lost. I keep throwing them out there though in the hope that one day one word...one idea will take root and grow into the fruit that will feed both our souls. Now that's what I consider the "ultimate comfort food".

I Play Chicken With the Train

I couldn't see the river this morning when I crossed the bridge and it made me sad. Even though it's not "the" river I still lower the windows so I can smell the water and remember what it felt like to be on it with you. Those memories make me smile and help keep you alive inside of me. The fog was pretty thick and I was startled by the sharp whistle of a train passing beneath the bridge. The same track that ran behind the old house. I always found that sound comforting when I used to lie awake watching you sleep. I found myself wondering where it was headed. One track can lead to so many different places . I let my mind wander through the memories of all the places we have been and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer number of them. How did we manage to log all those miles....all those memories ...in such a brief time? The whistle was fading and I imagined you aboard the last car...in the doorway waving goodbye. I thought maybe I could outrun you to the next crossing...but damn this traffic!!! Then I remembered....I could fly! (All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixiedust). How could I have forgotten I had been flying all along? It was you who remained planted on firm ground...no matter how hard I tried to teach you to fly.
One thing I have always loved about you was your sense of adventure....your ability to push things to the limit...your willingness to take chances. But I realize now that the drawback to living on the edge is that you get so close but never quite take that leap of faith ....that last chance..... that undeniable high you get from just letting go and free falling into the great unknown. It's like you don't believe me when I say I can fly even though I have done it before. You deal with logic and concrete material things and you can't understand where my faith comes from...can't understand how I can just jump off that cliff ...can't trust something that can't be seen...can't be defined. And I can't understand how you can cling so tightly to firm ground even as the earth moves beneath you. I don't understand why you can't believe in someone...something ....bigger than yourself.....especially when that's what you are searching for. How can you hope to find something you aren't even sure you can believe in? You know I have the answers....that's why you ask me so many questions....so why don't you believe me when I tell you what it is you long to hear? Can the truth be that frightening to you? I never thought of you as afraid of anything....(ok maybe heights but I climbed the rickety old ladder to show you I can conquer my fears remember?) You are curious and smart ...you just need some faith...some trust.... and a little bit of...well you know what comes next.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Just because I cry easily people think I am weak. I don't understand. I don't run from anything....especially my feelings. I have stepped out into the great unknown more than once in my life and I have the scars to prove it. I know what I believe, I know what I imagine, and I know who and what I am....and I am not afraid to face the demons that tell me otherwise. I have the strength to dream, the strength to hope, the strength to face the young one's questions (even smile at some of his ideas to make things right)...I even had the strength to let go( when it was the last thing I ever wanted to do) because I knew it was the right thing to do. The tears are an outpouring of the emotion that runs deep within me....a testament to the love I carry for those who have touched my heart. I will never be ashamed of those tears because if they ever run dry that means the wellspring of love is gone too. So I will cry....I will grieve......I will forever miss what was once the source of my deepest happiness.....but I will collect these tears to water my love...to keep it alive until the one who is meant to find me does. Love is what makes me strong...and the more I give it, the stronger I am. That's what makes me stronger than you. More vulnerable....but definatly stronger.

Then Maybe You Should Have Asked

It's 2:00 a.m. I really wish I could sleep. The couch is uncomfortable and the young one has claimed the spare room. It's way too hot in his room. I stood in the doorway and thought about the big iron bed....but I just can't bear the thought of climbing in there alone yet. Maybe someday. Maybe never. It's just too soon to tell. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing while expecting a different result. I suppose I am as insane as one can get then. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. You can only give so much without getting anything in return for so long before you are completely empty. I did an old friend a favor today. I was happy to do it...for one instant I was needed again. I really thought the call was to wish me luck...to encourage me....to support me in my quest today, but another friend was on his mind. The other friend had his request granted(but you already knew that).....do you want to know if mine was?

Someday I'll finally accept that no one really cares.

We Now Return You To Our Regularly Scheduled Program Already In Progress

Funny, when you interupt Tv for breaking news, most people are annoyed. Who cares what's going on in the world when Dr. Hunk and Nurse Cleavage are doing it in the supply closet? The breaking news is only important to the newsreaders who get some extra air time. When the show returns all is right with the world once more.
My life was recently interupted. Only now that it's being returned to me all is definitly not right with the world. The news told of devestation and despair with a heavy personal toll. People got hurt....it was an ugly ugly scene. Nothing will be the same in that sleepy little town. Forces of nature can be so unforgiving. I feel like I must do something but I am powerless to help. I can only sit in my chair filled with sadness and pain. The show has returned but I am distracted. I cannot follow the storyline....nothing makes sense to me anymore. I am haunted by the images of the horror I have just witnessed. I was always taught that if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem....but I can't solve this. That leaves only one other option. I AM the problem.
I should have heeded the alarm when the storm approached and run for shelter. But I faced the wind and the rain. What was worse is that I held on to him too tightly preventing him from seeking shelter too.....forcing him to endure the storm's fury. So now it's over. No word on whether we can rebuild. Too soon for that....first things first. Come in out of the rain....dry off....rest a while....assess the damage. Decide if this is a safe place to stay. All I can offer is space, prayers,apologies, and plenty of yellow towels if you need them.

Hold Still This Might Sting a Little

I was a clumsy child (most lefties are) and I was always falling and skinning my knees. My mom, or the school secretary as the case may be,would douse it with iodine and cover it with a band aide with strict instructions to leave it alone. Of course as soon as their backs were turned, I would lift the band aide to inspect the wound. When the scab formed I was even worse...picking at it and peeling it off before it had a chance to heal properly. Consequently my knees bear plenty of scars.
I am just as clumsy with love. Some of you reading this might say it's my own fault. Just like a child running with wild abandon on the playground I go chasing after love without careful consideration....just letting my heart run free......often falling....often getting hurt. And I still never learned my lesson about leaving things alone. I poke and prod and pick until I've made things far worse. Emotional wounds take longer to heal than physical ones and the scars are deeper and uglier. So I don't know why I torture myself...or you for that matter.
I guess I look at it a differant way though. Just like the scars on my knees never slowed me down or killed my sense of adventure, the scars on my heart remind me that some things are so special in life as to be worth all the pain you endure just trying to reach them.

You are one of those things.

A Stranger in a Strange Land

Judging by the lack of comments recently I think it's safe to say that nobody is reading this anymore. It's like shouting at the edge of a canyon....all you hear is your own echo. Maybe it's better this way.... a chance to release some of the crushing weight of the pain with no audience to witness the humiliation. A chance to be brutaly honest.....with myself......about myself.

It's been exactly 15 years to the day when my life ended. All that I was.....all that I ever wanted to be......died with one "we have to talk". And I had to hear something I already knew but that I had chosen to bury so deep inside. A pain so severe that none of us have ever recovered. I tried to forge a new life in a world I didn't recognize. I was trying not to drown but I had no life jacket and the waves were so high and powerful. I grabbed the first rope thrown me but I lost my charges in the sea. It turns out none of us were safe anyway. That rope turned out to be a noose around the young one's throat. So off into the sea I went again. This time it was even worse. I had no compass....no way to know where I was going. I was sure I learned how to swim.....but I could barely tread water. And the weight I carried was complicating things further. I couldn't see the shore....couldn't even remember which direction it was in. And all the while there were the vultures overhead....taunting me....waiting for me to fail so they could feast on my remains.But I struggled on.
A second rope was offered and this one was more welcoming. But I was tired from my ordeal and numb all over. The rest did me good but the respite didn't last. And then you came along, quite out of the blue, offering adventure , excitement...and most importantly....friendship. Once again I was swept away.
Steven, you came into my life unexpectantly. I had been lost and alone for some time. True I had recovered my lost charges....and the sea was relativly calm by then....but I was still so far from home. I was exsisting...not really living. There was something inside of me still searching for reason to believe there was a place for me in this world. You filled my emptiness so quickly and so completly. Your friendship was unlike anything I had ever known before with a man. And I fell....boy did I fall. You filled my life with laughter and gave me what I thought was a safe place to land. I was happy for the first time in so long. I have done more, seen more, experienced more in these short few years than I ever had before. But more importantly, I felt like I was home. I had a place.....an identity... a partner in life and love. You touched my heart and soul and there were times, when we made love, that I truly felt so one with you and the universe that it made me shiver. And I couldn't understand why no one was happy for me.
I guess it's true that people can be so blinded by love that they never see the danger....never see the train come barrelling down the tracks. But they saw it all too clear. I guess love makes you deaf too because I never heard their cries of warning.
So now that I have been hit by the train , and the wreckage lays scattered on the tracks, I wonder if I will ever recover again. I wonder a lot of things. I wonder why ......
So many questions but so few answers.
One thing the train wreck did was to open my eyes and ears. And I have to ask myself to honestly evaluate what I see and hear. What I see are the many reminders of the love I thought I had found with you. There's not a room in this house (hell, even this house itself) that doesn't bear your presence in my life. What I see is an empty bed.
What I hear is more difficult to pin down...because I hear so many conflicting things....and what I don't hear is even more difficult to bear. You say you miss me.....you say you love me....but you say you don't want me. What does this all mean for me? I try so hard to hear the heartbeat of hope in what you say much like all those times I lay awake with my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. And I wonder what it is you miss. Will you miss the way I kissed you everytime we crossed a state line? Will you miss the way I ran my fingers along your back after we made love? Will you miss all those mornings drinking coffee and watching the weather channel?......all those goodnight calls?......the way I touched your face?....my lousy sense of direction? I just don't know. Something in the way I am.....the things I say and do makes you unhappy. But what that is only you know. I always told you I loved you every night because I didn't want you to ever have to wonder how I feel about you......because uncertainty is the hardest thing to take.
You tell me you don't expect me to wait for you to decide. But after 2 years what is there to decide? Should I hear.....hey I'm really still thinking about you here....or should I hear you might as well get on with your life cause I'm done here.? All I know is that you will have no problem moving on and that scares me.You have a fabulous life waiting.... a family who really loves you....friends.....toys to fill your time. All that has now been taken away from me...so what "life" am I supposed to get on with? I really thought I was a big part of your life too. But now I don't know.
I don't know anything except I love you and I just can't turn that off. And I know that because I love you I have to let you go. You've done this before but you've always come back. This time you took all your things and I have to ask myself if you are ever coming back to me. I am scared and confused. I wonder if you picked this weekend because you wanted me to be angry with you....you wanted me to hate you...so that it would be easier on you, and me, because you know you won't be back. I also wonder if I can trust you with my heart again....wow you don't know how hard it was to just write that.
There's a line to a song that always makes me cry when I hear it.......I don't want to lose you....but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side....and I don't want to hate but I don't want to take you and I don't want to be the one to cry.........there's a danger in loving somebody too much and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
Maybe it's me I can't trust with my heart.

Dancing with the devil

Dark clouds rolled across the evening sky. A summer storm was brewing. A violent one by the look of it. She turned away from the window as a shiver ran down her spine. Something else was lurking out there too...she could sense it. It had been there for some time now, just out of sight. Swift, silent, sinister.
She pushed her uneasiness aside though as she usually did and settled back into her chair. She picked up her knitting , absently counting stitches. "Damn" she thought, "it's wrong again." For months she had been struggling with this project. It was for someone very special to her and she wanted it to be perfect. "Why can't I do this?" she asked herself softly.
The wind was picking up now. She heard the windchimes on the back porch singing their songs. She heard a slight tapping noise too that she found rather odd. Maybe the new screen she put in the door was loose. She got up to check it. She hadn't bothered to turn on the kitchen light so it was dark and she was startled to see him there at the door.
"Oh hi! Why didn't you just use your key?" she asked.
"I wasn't sure you were home." he replied.
"Wait here" she told him, "I need to do something first."
He sat down at the kitchen table while she ran into the living room to hide the project she left in the chair. She didn't want him to see it until it was finished. Her mind was racing though....her car was in the driveway....it was raining...the young one was home tonight....where else would she be? But a visit in the middle of the week was rare so she was happy he was there.
She returned to the kitchen only to realize in horror that it had slipped in with him. That unseen thing that had been lurking outside. It perched itself on the table sneering at her. He was speaking to her but all she heard was that thing's evil hoarse whisper. "I've waited most patiently for this moment. You and your kind think that your weapon is powerful. But mine is powerful too and I am about to destroy you."
Surprised and confused, she tried to turn her attention back to him. He was still speaking... but what was he saying? it was behind her now hissing into her ear. "I have cultivated this one well. You are no match for him, he is bigger and stronger than you are. You will be crushed."
He was still talking. "I'm just not sure what I want from life........I'm not being fair to you.....I just want a break to do my own thing for a while...."
What? What's happening here? She didn't understand.
"It's not you....there's something wrong with me.....I don't know why you want to hang around with me anyway.....I drive you crazy....make your head hurt..."
it was rolling in the floor now in a fit of pure ecstasy.
"I just want to see what's over the next hill....besides I don't think I even know what love is."
The words kept pummeling her, hurting her in a way far worse than possible with physical blows.
"See I told you" it hissed. "you fool, you thought you were teaching him but he's already learned my lessons well. It's every man for himself. Your words are useless."
It was then that she realized she was speaking to him too although she couldn't remember what she was saying. Something about life and love...trying desperatly to get him to change his mind and make him stay...with no success. Suddenly she knew the fight wasn't with him. This cruelty, this lack of compassion was mirrored from it. And it was right....it was powerful. And even though she now knew and understood the battlefield, she felt helpless. She was so small and insignificant....how could she fight it ? She couldn't stop the tears from blinding her. Her arms limp at her sides, she absorbed the blows one after another.
Lightening flashed. The storm intensified.
"Really" it sneered, "I thought you would put up more of a fight. I am deeply disappointed. Come now, if you won't defend yourself let me show you how." it was pressed against her back now lifting both arms. "Tell him what a bastard he is!" it's breath hot in her ears. "tell him how much you hate him for what he is doing to you, especially now. That shouldn't be hard - after all he's breaking your heart...and the young one's too. Scream, yell, tell him how ungrateful he is after all you have done for him. Jerk....fool....swine....you fancy yourself as being good with words.....it should be easy to go on for quite some time."
Her head was spinning. Why was it so dark? Why did she feel so all alone and exposed? Why was she powerless to resist? She opened her mouth and words she didn't recognize spilled forth. The storm raged on, the thunder crashed like broken glass around her. Broken glass??? Green broken glass???? Shards and slivers at her feet. The realization of what she had done shamed her. She turned to face it but it was no longer there. She turned back to him. Now it was her turn to be sorry. Beauty they had both admired and shared lay in pieces between them.

There was only silence now....the storm had moved on. The sky was still dark, but calm. She placed her hand softly on his cheek and in doing so realized she had won after all. It wasn't her heart that needed defended...it was his. It didn't matter if he loved her or not. What mattered was that she loved him for no other reason but that she just did. She was already loved by the only ONE who mattered and she had been given the chance to wrap her love around his heart until that time that he can believe what she is saying is true. If the price of that chance was pain she'll gladly pay it.
He's ready to go now and she knows she must let him leave. She kisses him gently on the mouth and places something in his hand. A small silver cross she has worn since the day he gave it to her. She's returning it , not out of anger like he thinks, but out of love. When he sees it he will know where she learned of love and where she found the courage to face what was lurking in the shadows ready to devour both their hearts. He is safe now even though he was unaware of the danger. He's barely out of the driveway and she misses him so profoundly that it brings her to her knees. She knows there will be dark days ahead, filled with sorrow tears and pain....but at least there won't be anything lurking in the shadows.