Dancing with the devil

Dark clouds rolled across the evening sky. A summer storm was brewing. A violent one by the look of it. She turned away from the window as a shiver ran down her spine. Something else was lurking out there too...she could sense it. It had been there for some time now, just out of sight. Swift, silent, sinister.
She pushed her uneasiness aside though as she usually did and settled back into her chair. She picked up her knitting , absently counting stitches. "Damn" she thought, "it's wrong again." For months she had been struggling with this project. It was for someone very special to her and she wanted it to be perfect. "Why can't I do this?" she asked herself softly.
The wind was picking up now. She heard the windchimes on the back porch singing their songs. She heard a slight tapping noise too that she found rather odd. Maybe the new screen she put in the door was loose. She got up to check it. She hadn't bothered to turn on the kitchen light so it was dark and she was startled to see him there at the door.
"Oh hi! Why didn't you just use your key?" she asked.
"I wasn't sure you were home." he replied.
"Wait here" she told him, "I need to do something first."
He sat down at the kitchen table while she ran into the living room to hide the project she left in the chair. She didn't want him to see it until it was finished. Her mind was racing though....her car was in the driveway....it was raining...the young one was home tonight....where else would she be? But a visit in the middle of the week was rare so she was happy he was there.
She returned to the kitchen only to realize in horror that it had slipped in with him. That unseen thing that had been lurking outside. It perched itself on the table sneering at her. He was speaking to her but all she heard was that thing's evil hoarse whisper. "I've waited most patiently for this moment. You and your kind think that your weapon is powerful. But mine is powerful too and I am about to destroy you."
Surprised and confused, she tried to turn her attention back to him. He was still speaking... but what was he saying? it was behind her now hissing into her ear. "I have cultivated this one well. You are no match for him, he is bigger and stronger than you are. You will be crushed."
He was still talking. "I'm just not sure what I want from life........I'm not being fair to you.....I just want a break to do my own thing for a while...."
What? What's happening here? She didn't understand.
"It's not you....there's something wrong with me.....I don't know why you want to hang around with me anyway.....I drive you crazy....make your head hurt..."
it was rolling in the floor now in a fit of pure ecstasy.
"I just want to see what's over the next hill....besides I don't think I even know what love is."
The words kept pummeling her, hurting her in a way far worse than possible with physical blows.
"See I told you" it hissed. "you fool, you thought you were teaching him but he's already learned my lessons well. It's every man for himself. Your words are useless."
It was then that she realized she was speaking to him too although she couldn't remember what she was saying. Something about life and love...trying desperatly to get him to change his mind and make him stay...with no success. Suddenly she knew the fight wasn't with him. This cruelty, this lack of compassion was mirrored from it. And it was right....it was powerful. And even though she now knew and understood the battlefield, she felt helpless. She was so small and insignificant....how could she fight it ? She couldn't stop the tears from blinding her. Her arms limp at her sides, she absorbed the blows one after another.
Lightening flashed. The storm intensified.
"Really" it sneered, "I thought you would put up more of a fight. I am deeply disappointed. Come now, if you won't defend yourself let me show you how." it was pressed against her back now lifting both arms. "Tell him what a bastard he is!" it's breath hot in her ears. "tell him how much you hate him for what he is doing to you, especially now. That shouldn't be hard - after all he's breaking your heart...and the young one's too. Scream, yell, tell him how ungrateful he is after all you have done for him. Jerk....fool....swine....you fancy yourself as being good with words.....it should be easy to go on for quite some time."
Her head was spinning. Why was it so dark? Why did she feel so all alone and exposed? Why was she powerless to resist? She opened her mouth and words she didn't recognize spilled forth. The storm raged on, the thunder crashed like broken glass around her. Broken glass??? Green broken glass???? Shards and slivers at her feet. The realization of what she had done shamed her. She turned to face it but it was no longer there. She turned back to him. Now it was her turn to be sorry. Beauty they had both admired and shared lay in pieces between them.

There was only silence now....the storm had moved on. The sky was still dark, but calm. She placed her hand softly on his cheek and in doing so realized she had won after all. It wasn't her heart that needed defended...it was his. It didn't matter if he loved her or not. What mattered was that she loved him for no other reason but that she just did. She was already loved by the only ONE who mattered and she had been given the chance to wrap her love around his heart until that time that he can believe what she is saying is true. If the price of that chance was pain she'll gladly pay it.
He's ready to go now and she knows she must let him leave. She kisses him gently on the mouth and places something in his hand. A small silver cross she has worn since the day he gave it to her. She's returning it , not out of anger like he thinks, but out of love. When he sees it he will know where she learned of love and where she found the courage to face what was lurking in the shadows ready to devour both their hearts. He is safe now even though he was unaware of the danger. He's barely out of the driveway and she misses him so profoundly that it brings her to her knees. She knows there will be dark days ahead, filled with sorrow tears and pain....but at least there won't be anything lurking in the shadows.

I Walk the Line

I was recently asked "where do you draw the line?" I didn't have a very good answer at the time but now I think I need to ask a question of my own first. What are we drawing the line with? If we are drawing the line in the sand, then a lot depends on the tide. If we are drawing the line with pencil, it can easily be erased. Pens...now you might still see a faint reminder but they too can be erased. Chalk washes away, I don't have much luck with paint turning out the way I want, crayons are hard to come by in this house....well you can see my dilema. It's hard to draw a line you can't guarentee will last. And another thing.....are we together on the same side....or do you picture us on opposite sides? (sorry for the unauthorized use of the "we" word....I know I'm not supposed to use it) Are we talkiing about crossing it....or walking it? AND WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO DRAW A LINE AT ALL????????? Okay....I realize that's more than one question. It's just that I've played this game before and as I recall I was a big loser in it. I'll make a deal with you though.....you give me a permanet marker and I'll write you a new story.

Once in a Blue Moon

Not too often......... but once in a blue moon...... I wish I was somebody's baby. There's a blue moon tonight.

Working for a Living

I rarely talk about work here because, quite frankly, I wish I didn't have to. No truck load of money is stopping at this address so I guess I'll always have that "daily grind". But today made me realize that working can be rewarding sometimes. I was in great demand today and it actually felt good to be needed. Maybe it's the fact that my opinion is respected, at least professionally, that has me in such a good mood today....or maybe it's just that it's finally spring. Either way this was the first day in a long time that I came home from work in good spirits. I actually felt like I accomplished something. I don't usually feel that way. I usually struggle to discern what my place is in this world.....I never feel like I even have one. Out side of my youngest dependant, I never felt like anyone needed me. It's nice to be needed......but I think I still would rather be wanted than needed.

Are We There Yet?

I'd like to say we are at a crossroads, unfortunatly, from where I stand it looks more like I am facing a brick wall. Now I think it's been well documented that I have a poor sense of direction but I know enough to definatly say this isn't the road I am supposed to be traveling. It's not that I expected a garden path covered with rose petals, complete with bluebirds and butterflies leading the way to a magnificent sunset ( I was happy with a dark, wet Interstate 90 in a Red Rio) but this winding path I am on is getting steep and way too narrow for two to navigate safely. And the nightmares hiding behind the trees are advancing quickly....ready to rob me of any sweet dreams I have left.

I'm not Irish....but if I'm lucky, St. Patrick will drive the snake off my path on his feast day this year. Then he and St. Jude can have a nice long talk with St. Anthony about helping me find the love that I have seemed to misplaced.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

When push comes to shove, I think I need to learn to push back. Nice guys may finish last but at least they are still in the race. But by being a doormat, even the "nice guys" walk all over me. I guess I thought that the nicer I was, the more I would gain. You know...the whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing. Lately, however, my whole perspective on life has been greatly challanged.
I really have only one regret in life. All the other "mistakes" I can say I am grateful for since I have gained at least a small measure of wisdom from them. But the wisdom means nothing if it lies dormant....overruled by the heart. And that is the crux of my problem. I've always let my heart lead me where it wants to go-even when it wandered down some pretty dark alleys. And l have been mugged a few times there.
The first time...the second time.....even the third time....I meekly handed over my dignity and pride hoping I wouldn't get hurt in the process. Well now the knife is once again aimed at my heart and I have to choose......fight or flight? Normally I would just hand over whatever was demanded of me. But I suddenly feel defiant. I have traveled so far, lost so much already. What right do you have to rob me of what I deserve to keep?....of what I have worked so hard to build? You like to think you can always win because you are bigger and stronger (at least physically) but never underestimate the underdog. I have power that you don't understand....strength that surpasses yours.

You're lucky that no one trusts ME with knives.

The Damage Has Already Been Done

Words are powerful things. They can record the events of history-the can shape the opinions of the masses. They can give form to ideas and emotions that exsist deep in our souls and set them free-they can build walls too tall to scale that imprison us. They can bring pleasure-they can cause pain.They can dam up in some and spill forth from others. They are poison-they are the cure. But once they are spoken they can't ever be denied. Everything they represent becomes reality. You can't "un speak" them any more than you can turn back the hands of time. I know this because I am staring at a clock that is out of sync with reality trying to use words to stem the flow of tears that other words caused to flow. Which in itself is an interesting choice of words because I really feel like I am standing on the banks of a river that has suddenly frozen over.

You asked me a question I have struggled all night to answer.....Now what?

So many thoughts are going through my head right now- which ones do I allow words to give birth to? Because there's no turning back now...no way to erase what's been said....no way to deny the ugly truth. But what answer are you really looking for?

Now what for you?.....or...
Now what for me?

If only one of those choices was Now what for us?

Night Vision

What is it that makes us so blind to the truth? What leads us to see things that aren't really there? The conventional answer is "love". But love is pure....it is a light so bright and true. Love, by its very nature can neither cheat nor deceive you.
So what is it then that distorts reality?
Maybe it's the desire of love....and not love itself... that does it. It's like reaching for a hand in a house of mirrors. Which is the flesh and which is an image? It's not always easy to tell. If love is the brightest star in the universe then shining it into a mirror will only blind us. Only our desire is reflected over and over and over again. But take away the silver backing and the mirror becomes a window. So are we looking in mirrors when we should be looking through windows? For the light to enfold us, we need to open the window and let it shine. Provided , of course, that it's not nailed shut from the other side.
But that's a story for another day.

Some people just never learn

Life Lesson #150

Once upon a time there was a charming , handsome young man who happened to work with an average, slightly insecure woman. The woman thought this man had the most amazing blue eyes she had ever seen. When she watched the man work, as she often did, she was impressed by the intensity of those eyes. But when she watched as he played, she was captivated by the way they sparkled. And she couldn't help but fall in love with him.
As luck would have it,(although the woman didn't believe in luck)the young man found himself suddenly cast adrift in the sea of single living. Fortunatly for him, there was no shortage of sympathetic souls to console him. As is the custom of the male species, the young man immediately was drawn to an even younger female. Unfortunatly, as is the custom for the female species, the younger woman was drawn to partying. Alas, the young man was left with a longing he couldn't realize with the young woman.
The average, slightly insecure woman, herself in a similar situation, saw a kindred soul in need of a kind word and a warm meal. Ever the Good Samaritan, she offered both to the young man in the form of a cute card and some leftover lasagna. Here is where our story begins.
The average, slightly insecure woman remembered a time when she and the handsome young man shared a birthday dinner on a warm May evening a few years back. Her birthday was approaching - maybe the handsome young man would remember too and be inclined to share this happy coincidence (although the woman didn't believe in coincidence either). Mustering up all the courage she had, the woman tried to nudge the man's memory by suggesting maybe sharing a birthday drink. He turned her down flat. Good thing for the sake of this story the woman was accustomed to rejection.
Never one to let life get her down (did I just write that?), the woman forged on. The handsome young man, for his part, was blissfully unaware of just how intensely he had piqued the woman's interest. They chatted at work, they chatted on line, but the woman was afraid to let the young man know her attraction to him was growing.
Maybe it was Divine Providence (which the woman DID believe in), maybe it was a growing desire on the young man's part, or maybe it was just Tina telling him "what the hell- what have you got to lose?", but one day the young man finally asked the woman for a real date. After a few delays (who "forgets" they had a ski trip planned?) a date was set. Saturday, February 12, 2005. But, as you will see asour story unfolds, plans are always changing. Friday finds the woman still hard at work when the phone rings. The young man is calling. Is he eager to see her or just very drunk and frisky? You dear reader will have to decide for yourself as I frankly have no clue. They meet, have dinner, share dessert. He invites the woman to see his house. Not exactly sure where this all will lead, the woman agrees.
Sitting on the edge of a chair in the plain, nearly empty, house, the woman stared at the young man on the floor. He was, without a doubt, the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. There was a pause in the conversation she doesn't remember having. The woman rose to set her glass in the kitchen. The young man reached up his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her down to him. She drew even closer and gently kissed his lips. Slowly, softly they kissed. The young man leaned forward laying the woman down on her back. He pushed his legs between hers and she marveled at how strong he felt. She wasn't ready though. The woman, for all her years, felt someting stir in her that she never felt before and she was frightened by it.
Saturday came. Another dinner, another shared dessert and a conversation she did remember. The woman didn't want the evening to end. She invited the young man to her home. She was unsure about everything except her desire for him. What did he think of her....what would happen tomorrow.....would there even be a tomorrow? The woman pushed aside all those questions and led the young man to her bed. If this was going to be her only chance she wanted to take it. She wanted to lose herself in those clear blue eyes looking back at her so intently.
We will skip all the details here because this is not some dime store novel. They always end with the boy getting the girl and this is a true story after all. Anyway, the woman stayed awake the whole night...and many nights after....just watching the young man sleep. She lightly traced the outline of his body, the small knot on his left rib cage, his poor deformed right ear, with her fingertips. It was an exciting time, as it always is when you first discover each other. Every day holds a new promise, a new hope, a new experience. And the young man always lived life to the fullest. This caused the woman to see life in a different way and she thought she loved the young man even more because of it.
A trip was planned. Niagra Falls. The woman was perplexed. She had never imagined the young man would be interested in her but yet here he still was and he wanted to spend a whole weekend with her- so far from home. It was too soon.....what if he decided after one day that it was a mistake?.....what if he saw in her what other's saw in her and dismiss her as undesireable? (after all, she was insecure for a reason). The weather was awful, It was cold and the rain sliced sideways relentlessly. The falls were shrouded in a thick fog. An omen maybe? But no, they actually had a good time...and for the first time he refered to himself as the woman's boyfriend. They held hands and she pulled him back everytime he crossed the street in traffic. The young man even found a church for her.
Spring turned to Summer and if the woman thought she loved the young man before, she was about to know for sure. The young man introduced her to his love - the river. And the woman fell in love with it too. Being with him there only deepened her love for him. Watching his passion and joy come alive filled her heart with emotion she never thought possible. But to her the river meant even more. To her it became a symbol of how their lives touched. Calm on the surface but with a strong current underneath. The water always pushing, always moving, always worthy of respect. On the water they were a team.
And the young man always pushed the woman. To imagine more, to achieve more, to love more, to live more. But , like the river, he sometimes turned on the woman....abruptly changing courses, leaving a path of destruction in the aftermath of a flood of tears. Giving life and taking it away. And what could the woman do but try to weather the storms and pray for the sun to shine again. Like the river, the young man was used to getting his own way and who could tame the wind?
That wind carried the man and woman to many places : east, west, north and south. So many adventures, so many memories...as big as the ocean they last left. Through it all the woman loved the young man with all her heart. And even though the young man knew not the words, he knew the sentiment....and the woman heard the words he dare not speak, even to himself.
But, alas, fate is not always kind and one day the handsome young man decided his paradise lie beyond the realm of the average, slightly insecure woman. Only he lacked the courage to face the woman and the one that accompanies her. So one cold winter night amidst the colored Christmas tree lights and red shiny bulbs, the woman had to hear the handsome young man say "don't be a stranger" before he hung up the phone for the last time.
So, as luck would have it (though the woman still didn't believe in luck), the young man found himself suddenly cast adrift in the sea of single living. As is the custom of the male species, he will find that the only thing that matters is the very thing he left behind. Wait you say, isn't this where the story began? I warned you that this is no dime store novel. No happily ever after here. No boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets the girl back again ending. However, one handsome young man's ending is a not so average, not so insecure woman's beginning...and she's holding the courage he lacks. That my dear readers is called poetic justice.
Don't be a stranger now.

One Moment in Time

Did you ever wish you could have a moment back? A chance to rewind the tape and record over an obvious mistake? Especially if you didn't realize at the time it was a mistake? I have obviously hurt and disapointed someone I love very much and I desparetly need to find a way to make it better. The funny thing is that no matter how much you wish you could go back it's usually better to jump ahead. Revisiting the past only makes the pain resurface. All I know is my life has been so chaotic lately and I know that my mouth has a tendency to speak without asking my brain's permission first. But the most frustrating thing is that I am not even sure what i did wrong....and he's in no hurry to share that information with me. So, while he's planning a very nice weekend, it looks like cream of chicken soup for me. I hope he misses me. I'll miss him.

What I Really Meant To Say

My main problem is time........not enough of it. Being a single mom really stinks sometimes. It's hard to carve out time for yourself and when you do there is a long list of people who complain about what you do with it. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to write about, just no time to do it. My day begins at 6:30 a.m. (although it's set for 6......bless the person who invented the snooze alarm) and doesn't end untill 11:00 p.m. I deal with a very stubborn 16 year old male and then go to work and deal with about a dozen and half more stubborn males then go home and face the teenager again. Fun stuff let me tell you. Everyday is pretty much the same as the day before. That may sound boring to some.....but actually I find it somewhat comforting. I think routines get a bad rap sometimes. I think people confuse routine with getting into a rut. But I think it's two different things. A rut is something you dig so you don't have to look at the world.....a routine reminds you of the beauty that's there each and every day.....just waiting for you to pass by. Just keep your eyes open and your head up so you don't miss anything.

Just an everday ordinary life

I really don't have much new to say. Check back in with me later.

Just What You Want To Be You Will Be In The End

So everyone makes New Year's resolutions, right? We all want to be smarter or thinner or richer or more lucky in love....but how many resolutions have been broken already? We're not quite halfway through the first month of 2006 and I bet more have been broken than kept. Is it that we lack the will power to change or is it that we resolve to change the wrong things? Do we subconsiously set ourselves up for failure? Really, think about it......we might resolve to lose 10 or 20 pounds....and then what? You reach that goal and then where do you go with that? You might resolve to find that "special" someone....join all the right dating services....try all the hot internet chat rooms....but then wonder why , once you find them, that relationship fizzles too. Could it be that what you needed to change was your attitude? Remembering to smile when you talk to someone, looking at them when they speak to you, asking questions instead of making assumptions.......no one ever resolves to do those things, but yet maybe that's what we need to do. Maybe if we were more specific....and honest....with ourselves about who we want to be and what we want to acomplish, we would be more successful. Maybe, just maybe, we would surprise ourselves with what already lies within.

Lost in Space

It has been quite a while since I last posted. Time flies when you are having fun.I guess I was too busy living my life to sit down and write about it. That's a good thing isn't it? Anyway, the biggest news is my daughter gave birth to a beautiful little girl of her own. She is the sweetest thing too. Her big brother is very excited about having a little sister....but if she's anything like her mother was he might change his mind about that in a few years. Let's see...what else...Brian made the honor roll in his first 9 weeks of high school! He's finally getting used to his new routine...which is good because I am not really a morning person either and 6 o'clock comes pretty early. And as for the other boys....well they are busy with new jobs. Although I think they think this grown-up thing is way over rated. Well, that's about if for now. Maybe I will have something witty to say on another day...today I am just too tired.

39:21

Well I did it! Ran the 5k in the Great Race on Sunday. And I owe it all to my personal trainer. When I got this idea in my head in April, I couldn't even make a quarter lap. Some days he had to drag me around the track and there were many times I thought I would never make it to this point, but bad knee and all, I did it. So now that's one dream I can now count as reality. Next year we go for under 30 minutes....and after that...it's on to the 10k.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Just Like B

So we went to Open House last night at the high school. I was so impressed with what B has acomplished so far. He seems to know everybody already...which doesn't surprise me. He made his way through the building with only one wrong turn. His teacher said he is adjusting well but tends to talk too much ( gee I wonder where he gets that from ). Most of what he is doing is review work so all his papers were good. They are using a different reading program than the one I was using but it's the same general principle so he's doing well there. But the math system is new to him ...although he is adapting well. I don't regret homeschooling him these past few years but it is so nice to see him making his way in a larger community. My biggest fear still though is that he will start to see himself as different as most of the other kids. And then I'll have to have the conversation with him that I have long dreaded. I realize that on some level he has always known he is different but he's never appeared to be bothered by it. But then again.. that's the beauty of that pure love that he possesses. No matter what anyone says or does...he loves them...they are his "friends'. He amazes me.

The Best Road Trip Ever

I had the most amazing adventure this past weekend. I toured Civil War battle sites, explored the Battleship North Carolina, drank Corona's on a rooftop bar, even put my feet in the ocean in the face of Hurricane Ophelia...but the thing that made it so amazing was the company I was with. I can't remember ever having such a fun traveling companion. Everything I saw, everything I experienced was so much more enjoyable because I was with a true friend. And that is the difference between just passing the time and actually making memories. And all adventures should be memorable.

This Should Be Fun

So can you ever be too old to go on an adventure?

Threshold of a Dream

Sorry...back to Moody Blue's songs. I get slammed here for being selfish and thinking I am the center of the universe but I kind of thought that was what a blog was for...to post your thoughts...talk about your life...to share your hopes and dreams. You see, I spent a good deal of my life devoting all my energies to raising my children and trying to be a good daughter...usually at great personal cost. At an early age I learned that dreams seldom come true...at least that was what my mother told me. I know that as we age our dreams change too but we should never stop dreaming. And we should never put down another's dreams either. With all my heart I hope my children's dreams all come true. My daughter and son-in-law will soon welcome a new baby into their hearts and home...to add to the beautiful family they have already started....and my prayer is that all their hopes and dreams will be realized. Life is good for them. As for my sons...well the youngest is looking forward to starting high school ....the middle one will be legal real soon...and the oldest is searching for his place in the world. If they keep dreaming life will be good for them also. Because I have found that it is the dream that gives us hope...the dream is what drives us to become all we are meant to be. One of the greatest gifts God gave us was the ability to dream...the will to become what He has called us to be. I believe I was called to be a mother...especially to my youngest...and I tried to be the best mother I knew how to be. No one could have ever loved them more than I do. I also tried to be a good daughter and sister. I have never denied any request for help...I have always loved them...always been there when they needed me no matter what the cost. But for so many years I have been on my own with no one to depend on but God Himself. He's had to drag me kicking and screaming through some very tough times but I think He was trying to strenghen me...knowing that the tough times weren't over yet. All the while I just kind of exsisted.....just happy to get through another day. And then one day it all changed...or rather I changed. All of a sudden it wasn't enough to merely survive...I knew I wanted to live. My daughter calls it a mid-life crisis...and there are others who think they know why I changed...or rather for whom I changed. But they are all wrong. I simply learned how to dream again. I lost 30 pounds...because I want to live to see my grandchildren. My dream is to see them grow and prosper. I started running again...because I enjoy it. My dream is to compete someday. I started saving money...because I want to go to Italy. My dream is to walk the paths of St. Francis and St. Anthony. And I made a friend...because he believes in me. My dream is to be a friend to him too.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

It seems as if I piqued someone's interest when I wrote the post about what was best for me. Seeing as this is a safe place for all those anonymous posters out there to express their views, I will ask that question myself. What do you think is best for me? Seriously... I want to know. Tell me what you think I need to know. Where do I go from here? And if you are interested...and you ask real nice...maybe I'll tell you what's really going on in my life.