Some people just never learn

Life Lesson #150

Once upon a time there was a charming , handsome young man who happened to work with an average, slightly insecure woman. The woman thought this man had the most amazing blue eyes she had ever seen. When she watched the man work, as she often did, she was impressed by the intensity of those eyes. But when she watched as he played, she was captivated by the way they sparkled. And she couldn't help but fall in love with him.
As luck would have it,(although the woman didn't believe in luck)the young man found himself suddenly cast adrift in the sea of single living. Fortunatly for him, there was no shortage of sympathetic souls to console him. As is the custom of the male species, the young man immediately was drawn to an even younger female. Unfortunatly, as is the custom for the female species, the younger woman was drawn to partying. Alas, the young man was left with a longing he couldn't realize with the young woman.
The average, slightly insecure woman, herself in a similar situation, saw a kindred soul in need of a kind word and a warm meal. Ever the Good Samaritan, she offered both to the young man in the form of a cute card and some leftover lasagna. Here is where our story begins.
The average, slightly insecure woman remembered a time when she and the handsome young man shared a birthday dinner on a warm May evening a few years back. Her birthday was approaching - maybe the handsome young man would remember too and be inclined to share this happy coincidence (although the woman didn't believe in coincidence either). Mustering up all the courage she had, the woman tried to nudge the man's memory by suggesting maybe sharing a birthday drink. He turned her down flat. Good thing for the sake of this story the woman was accustomed to rejection.
Never one to let life get her down (did I just write that?), the woman forged on. The handsome young man, for his part, was blissfully unaware of just how intensely he had piqued the woman's interest. They chatted at work, they chatted on line, but the woman was afraid to let the young man know her attraction to him was growing.
Maybe it was Divine Providence (which the woman DID believe in), maybe it was a growing desire on the young man's part, or maybe it was just Tina telling him "what the hell- what have you got to lose?", but one day the young man finally asked the woman for a real date. After a few delays (who "forgets" they had a ski trip planned?) a date was set. Saturday, February 12, 2005. But, as you will see asour story unfolds, plans are always changing. Friday finds the woman still hard at work when the phone rings. The young man is calling. Is he eager to see her or just very drunk and frisky? You dear reader will have to decide for yourself as I frankly have no clue. They meet, have dinner, share dessert. He invites the woman to see his house. Not exactly sure where this all will lead, the woman agrees.
Sitting on the edge of a chair in the plain, nearly empty, house, the woman stared at the young man on the floor. He was, without a doubt, the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. There was a pause in the conversation she doesn't remember having. The woman rose to set her glass in the kitchen. The young man reached up his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her down to him. She drew even closer and gently kissed his lips. Slowly, softly they kissed. The young man leaned forward laying the woman down on her back. He pushed his legs between hers and she marveled at how strong he felt. She wasn't ready though. The woman, for all her years, felt someting stir in her that she never felt before and she was frightened by it.
Saturday came. Another dinner, another shared dessert and a conversation she did remember. The woman didn't want the evening to end. She invited the young man to her home. She was unsure about everything except her desire for him. What did he think of her....what would happen tomorrow.....would there even be a tomorrow? The woman pushed aside all those questions and led the young man to her bed. If this was going to be her only chance she wanted to take it. She wanted to lose herself in those clear blue eyes looking back at her so intently.
We will skip all the details here because this is not some dime store novel. They always end with the boy getting the girl and this is a true story after all. Anyway, the woman stayed awake the whole night...and many nights after....just watching the young man sleep. She lightly traced the outline of his body, the small knot on his left rib cage, his poor deformed right ear, with her fingertips. It was an exciting time, as it always is when you first discover each other. Every day holds a new promise, a new hope, a new experience. And the young man always lived life to the fullest. This caused the woman to see life in a different way and she thought she loved the young man even more because of it.
A trip was planned. Niagra Falls. The woman was perplexed. She had never imagined the young man would be interested in her but yet here he still was and he wanted to spend a whole weekend with her- so far from home. It was too soon.....what if he decided after one day that it was a mistake?.....what if he saw in her what other's saw in her and dismiss her as undesireable? (after all, she was insecure for a reason). The weather was awful, It was cold and the rain sliced sideways relentlessly. The falls were shrouded in a thick fog. An omen maybe? But no, they actually had a good time...and for the first time he refered to himself as the woman's boyfriend. They held hands and she pulled him back everytime he crossed the street in traffic. The young man even found a church for her.
Spring turned to Summer and if the woman thought she loved the young man before, she was about to know for sure. The young man introduced her to his love - the river. And the woman fell in love with it too. Being with him there only deepened her love for him. Watching his passion and joy come alive filled her heart with emotion she never thought possible. But to her the river meant even more. To her it became a symbol of how their lives touched. Calm on the surface but with a strong current underneath. The water always pushing, always moving, always worthy of respect. On the water they were a team.
And the young man always pushed the woman. To imagine more, to achieve more, to love more, to live more. But , like the river, he sometimes turned on the woman....abruptly changing courses, leaving a path of destruction in the aftermath of a flood of tears. Giving life and taking it away. And what could the woman do but try to weather the storms and pray for the sun to shine again. Like the river, the young man was used to getting his own way and who could tame the wind?
That wind carried the man and woman to many places : east, west, north and south. So many adventures, so many memories...as big as the ocean they last left. Through it all the woman loved the young man with all her heart. And even though the young man knew not the words, he knew the sentiment....and the woman heard the words he dare not speak, even to himself.
But, alas, fate is not always kind and one day the handsome young man decided his paradise lie beyond the realm of the average, slightly insecure woman. Only he lacked the courage to face the woman and the one that accompanies her. So one cold winter night amidst the colored Christmas tree lights and red shiny bulbs, the woman had to hear the handsome young man say "don't be a stranger" before he hung up the phone for the last time.
So, as luck would have it (though the woman still didn't believe in luck), the young man found himself suddenly cast adrift in the sea of single living. As is the custom of the male species, he will find that the only thing that matters is the very thing he left behind. Wait you say, isn't this where the story began? I warned you that this is no dime store novel. No happily ever after here. No boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets the girl back again ending. However, one handsome young man's ending is a not so average, not so insecure woman's beginning...and she's holding the courage he lacks. That my dear readers is called poetic justice.
Don't be a stranger now.

One Moment in Time

Did you ever wish you could have a moment back? A chance to rewind the tape and record over an obvious mistake? Especially if you didn't realize at the time it was a mistake? I have obviously hurt and disapointed someone I love very much and I desparetly need to find a way to make it better. The funny thing is that no matter how much you wish you could go back it's usually better to jump ahead. Revisiting the past only makes the pain resurface. All I know is my life has been so chaotic lately and I know that my mouth has a tendency to speak without asking my brain's permission first. But the most frustrating thing is that I am not even sure what i did wrong....and he's in no hurry to share that information with me. So, while he's planning a very nice weekend, it looks like cream of chicken soup for me. I hope he misses me. I'll miss him.

What I Really Meant To Say

My main problem is time........not enough of it. Being a single mom really stinks sometimes. It's hard to carve out time for yourself and when you do there is a long list of people who complain about what you do with it. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to write about, just no time to do it. My day begins at 6:30 a.m. (although it's set for 6......bless the person who invented the snooze alarm) and doesn't end untill 11:00 p.m. I deal with a very stubborn 16 year old male and then go to work and deal with about a dozen and half more stubborn males then go home and face the teenager again. Fun stuff let me tell you. Everyday is pretty much the same as the day before. That may sound boring to some.....but actually I find it somewhat comforting. I think routines get a bad rap sometimes. I think people confuse routine with getting into a rut. But I think it's two different things. A rut is something you dig so you don't have to look at the world.....a routine reminds you of the beauty that's there each and every day.....just waiting for you to pass by. Just keep your eyes open and your head up so you don't miss anything.

Just an everday ordinary life

I really don't have much new to say. Check back in with me later.

Just What You Want To Be You Will Be In The End

So everyone makes New Year's resolutions, right? We all want to be smarter or thinner or richer or more lucky in love....but how many resolutions have been broken already? We're not quite halfway through the first month of 2006 and I bet more have been broken than kept. Is it that we lack the will power to change or is it that we resolve to change the wrong things? Do we subconsiously set ourselves up for failure? Really, think about it......we might resolve to lose 10 or 20 pounds....and then what? You reach that goal and then where do you go with that? You might resolve to find that "special" someone....join all the right dating services....try all the hot internet chat rooms....but then wonder why , once you find them, that relationship fizzles too. Could it be that what you needed to change was your attitude? Remembering to smile when you talk to someone, looking at them when they speak to you, asking questions instead of making assumptions.......no one ever resolves to do those things, but yet maybe that's what we need to do. Maybe if we were more specific....and honest....with ourselves about who we want to be and what we want to acomplish, we would be more successful. Maybe, just maybe, we would surprise ourselves with what already lies within.

Lost in Space

It has been quite a while since I last posted. Time flies when you are having fun.I guess I was too busy living my life to sit down and write about it. That's a good thing isn't it? Anyway, the biggest news is my daughter gave birth to a beautiful little girl of her own. She is the sweetest thing too. Her big brother is very excited about having a little sister....but if she's anything like her mother was he might change his mind about that in a few years. Let's see...what else...Brian made the honor roll in his first 9 weeks of high school! He's finally getting used to his new routine...which is good because I am not really a morning person either and 6 o'clock comes pretty early. And as for the other boys....well they are busy with new jobs. Although I think they think this grown-up thing is way over rated. Well, that's about if for now. Maybe I will have something witty to say on another day...today I am just too tired.

39:21

Well I did it! Ran the 5k in the Great Race on Sunday. And I owe it all to my personal trainer. When I got this idea in my head in April, I couldn't even make a quarter lap. Some days he had to drag me around the track and there were many times I thought I would never make it to this point, but bad knee and all, I did it. So now that's one dream I can now count as reality. Next year we go for under 30 minutes....and after that...it's on to the 10k.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Just Like B

So we went to Open House last night at the high school. I was so impressed with what B has acomplished so far. He seems to know everybody already...which doesn't surprise me. He made his way through the building with only one wrong turn. His teacher said he is adjusting well but tends to talk too much ( gee I wonder where he gets that from ). Most of what he is doing is review work so all his papers were good. They are using a different reading program than the one I was using but it's the same general principle so he's doing well there. But the math system is new to him ...although he is adapting well. I don't regret homeschooling him these past few years but it is so nice to see him making his way in a larger community. My biggest fear still though is that he will start to see himself as different as most of the other kids. And then I'll have to have the conversation with him that I have long dreaded. I realize that on some level he has always known he is different but he's never appeared to be bothered by it. But then again.. that's the beauty of that pure love that he possesses. No matter what anyone says or does...he loves them...they are his "friends'. He amazes me.

The Best Road Trip Ever

I had the most amazing adventure this past weekend. I toured Civil War battle sites, explored the Battleship North Carolina, drank Corona's on a rooftop bar, even put my feet in the ocean in the face of Hurricane Ophelia...but the thing that made it so amazing was the company I was with. I can't remember ever having such a fun traveling companion. Everything I saw, everything I experienced was so much more enjoyable because I was with a true friend. And that is the difference between just passing the time and actually making memories. And all adventures should be memorable.

This Should Be Fun

So can you ever be too old to go on an adventure?

Threshold of a Dream

Sorry...back to Moody Blue's songs. I get slammed here for being selfish and thinking I am the center of the universe but I kind of thought that was what a blog was for...to post your thoughts...talk about your life...to share your hopes and dreams. You see, I spent a good deal of my life devoting all my energies to raising my children and trying to be a good daughter...usually at great personal cost. At an early age I learned that dreams seldom come true...at least that was what my mother told me. I know that as we age our dreams change too but we should never stop dreaming. And we should never put down another's dreams either. With all my heart I hope my children's dreams all come true. My daughter and son-in-law will soon welcome a new baby into their hearts and home...to add to the beautiful family they have already started....and my prayer is that all their hopes and dreams will be realized. Life is good for them. As for my sons...well the youngest is looking forward to starting high school ....the middle one will be legal real soon...and the oldest is searching for his place in the world. If they keep dreaming life will be good for them also. Because I have found that it is the dream that gives us hope...the dream is what drives us to become all we are meant to be. One of the greatest gifts God gave us was the ability to dream...the will to become what He has called us to be. I believe I was called to be a mother...especially to my youngest...and I tried to be the best mother I knew how to be. No one could have ever loved them more than I do. I also tried to be a good daughter and sister. I have never denied any request for help...I have always loved them...always been there when they needed me no matter what the cost. But for so many years I have been on my own with no one to depend on but God Himself. He's had to drag me kicking and screaming through some very tough times but I think He was trying to strenghen me...knowing that the tough times weren't over yet. All the while I just kind of exsisted.....just happy to get through another day. And then one day it all changed...or rather I changed. All of a sudden it wasn't enough to merely survive...I knew I wanted to live. My daughter calls it a mid-life crisis...and there are others who think they know why I changed...or rather for whom I changed. But they are all wrong. I simply learned how to dream again. I lost 30 pounds...because I want to live to see my grandchildren. My dream is to see them grow and prosper. I started running again...because I enjoy it. My dream is to compete someday. I started saving money...because I want to go to Italy. My dream is to walk the paths of St. Francis and St. Anthony. And I made a friend...because he believes in me. My dream is to be a friend to him too.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

It seems as if I piqued someone's interest when I wrote the post about what was best for me. Seeing as this is a safe place for all those anonymous posters out there to express their views, I will ask that question myself. What do you think is best for me? Seriously... I want to know. Tell me what you think I need to know. Where do I go from here? And if you are interested...and you ask real nice...maybe I'll tell you what's really going on in my life.

Blue and Yellow Make Green...What Is Green?

Money...lettuce...trees...grass...traffic lights. So green can't be all that bad...right? Green never used to be one of my favorite colors but I have found that it is the color of some of my favorite things. Green is the sign of life and of hope. It was chosen for grass, trees, and leaves. Without it all things would die. And it all starts with both blue and yellow. So was it a bad idea to mix blue and yellow? I am not a chemist but I do know a beautiful color when I see one.Blue and yellow can stand on their own...but when they come together every shade of green is possible.

What's Best For Me

Let's see....oatmeal, brussell sprouts, spinich...that's what's best for the heart that beats in my body. But chocolate, cream of chicken soup on toast, love....that's what is best for the heart that sustains my soul. So when you ask me what is best for me , which heart do you mean? And can you really live with only one and not the other?

Everyone to their corners

I really am tired of all this conflict. There isn't a single person who's posted so far that hasn't benefited from my love and compassion and forgivness. If you all think you are protecting me somehow or defending me somehow remember this....I am a big girl and I realize that the deeper you love the deeper you get hurt. But that won't ever stop me from trying. And if you are just posting to be mean and you don't really care how I feel then just go away. But there's also not a single person who's posted that hasn't hurt me somehow either so I think I should be the one to decide how to handle my heart. I have made a lot of mistakes in the name of love and I am sure I will continue to do so because I never have quite learned how to balance my head and heart. Maybe I never will...but that makes me who I am. All I know is that the love I give is always totally and completly from my heart...and I don't ask for anything in return. I am not going to lie and say it wouldn't be nice to be able to count on that kind of love in return...but that's not why I do the things I do. I know the power that drives my love and I know I must allow it free reign. Because I know that it's only through His passion that we have any hope.

Bring On the Rain

So can there now be any doubt about the insanity of my life? These comments on my posts are getting way out of line. I don't need an umbrella, I need full body armour. I try to go out...maybe take a nice little spin around the block...and I get blasted from all sides. To the only anonymous that matters to me all I have to say is thanks for laying your coat down over the puddles. For the rest of you...well bring on the rain.

Play Nice

The thing I miss most about my life is the feeling of peace. It's almost like this storm raging overhead me all the time. Every time I think the sun is about to shine and I put down my umbrella the sky opens up again. I know life isn't fair ( how can it be? ) but I really could use some sun....or a bigger umbrella.

Everything old is new again

There's a saying that goes "if you keep something long enough it always comes back in style". Kinda makes me wish I kept some of my high school clothes! But that's not my point. My point is ....is there anything new out there that doesn't already exsist? Even King Solomon in biblical times lamented that "there's nothing new under the sun". If God's love is constant (as I believe it is), then does that mean everything we need is contained in a circle... a ring that never ends? So all our hopes...our dreams...our desires...our love that we send out returns to us as it completes the circle? Or is it that all our hopes, dreams. desires, and love must be held onto and it's God's love that moves them along? I like to believe that it is God's love that passes through us that gives us the strength to let go of our love knowing that He will return it to us over and over again. So nothing is ever lost...everything is always renewed.

Make me understand

because I don't.

Life's been good to me so far

There aren't too many Moody Blues fans out there so I'll switch to Joe Walsh.....do you ever wonder what keeps us going despite all odds? Is it just a matter of simple biology (the longing to survive) or is it mind over matter(the longing to live)? Because there is a definite difference between surviving and living. Or is it a matter of deciding who or what we are living for? Let's face it...most of us can't complain ...I mean we live in a country where even the poorest of us would be considered wealthy by most of the world's standards. Yet we still do. We complain about everything as if our lives are a burden instead of a gift. So what makes us want to go on living? I think that no matter how bad things get we know deep down that there is so much more that is good...too bad so many people are willing to overlook that fact.