God Doesn't Drive Parked Cars

The sun is shining for the first time in almost three weeks. The icy daggers clinging to the gutters are losing their watery points drip by drip. Cabin fever is starting to set in. Thanks to a pair of new friends, my car has been exhumed from it's powdery grave. Just in time :-) Lent is a journey and I am on my way...

Earth Girls Are Easy

When my life begins to unravel, very often I am the one pulling the strings. It's like picking at a scab...I just can't help myself. By the time I am finished that little surface scratch becomes a lasting scar.

No News is Good News

Finally on line again but really have nothing to say. Just wanted to see if this thing still works. Talk to ya later : )

Luke 2:1-20

And that, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about.

Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk

Something is said to perish when it is prevented from obtaining the end for which it was created. But man is created and ordained for eternal life and as long as he sins he is turned away from that destined end. Still, while he lives, he does not perish entirely for he can yet be saved through God's grace and mercy; but if he dies in sin then he perishes completely.

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud

It's been a while since I have posted.....not because I haven't had anything to say, but rather because I have so much to say that I don't know where to start.  I think God forgot to put an "off" switch in my brain.  Anyway......I told someone recently that I hated him.  Of course we both know that is the furthest thing from the truth.  Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin.  I never hated anyone before.....it's a strange sensation.....very disconcerting.  I don't like it.  So I set my sights out on flipping the coin.  I decided that I would find three things that I will always love him for and then maybe that would chase the anger and bitterness away.  The first two were easy but I struggled to come up with a third.  I finally succeeded though and the list is as follows:

1. he encouraged me to buy a house
    although this is a bittersweet memory because we house hunted together and, before I pushed him off the roller coaster ride, he was talking about having a house and a life together. But this home I have created here is something I will always treasure.

2. he let me cross the finish line first when he ran the Great Race with me
   again though.....when I wanted to do it the next year he told me I was on my own.....after the initial "courting" when he was trying to impress me....the relationship pretty much consisted of doing what he wanted to do and going where he wanted to go. Sure, he made an attempt to ask me what i wanted....but when I told him, he always said "nah...I want to ......." and then that is what we would do. But I will always remember and be grateful for the way he pushed me to keep trying and coaxing me to finish the race....stepping back to let me cross first.

and now for number three....drum roll please

3. for betraying my love and trust
    I know....huh???????  Let me explain.  You see....I have know him for over 13 years.....I have worked with him, I have played with him.....I know him in a way no one else ever will.  I see him as no one else ever has....or will.  In the back of my mind I always knew that something was not right with him........I won't go into detail here because my intention is not to bash him or demean him....afterall I am listing the "good" things I am taking away from this relationship.  Suffice it to say that I am not the only co-worker of his to say that his behavior was odd and immature most times.   But I seem to be the type to be attracted to that....the stray puppy syndrome....the slightly odd, slighly sick stray that I can take home and nurture and love.  I poured my heart and soul into him......tried to teach him what love was all about.  But the thing about love is that it makes you blind....and in my case deaf and dumb too ( mostly dumb)  While I was trying to love him and teach him my way of looking at things....I actually was getting sucked into his way of looking at things......I turned my back on my family and friends.....they knew....they saw what he was like and what he was doing....but I wouldn't listen.  But the way he lied and betrayed my love ( honestly Steve......you even called me to find out the name of that CD that was "ours" so you 
could buy it for her but then tell me you were offended that I returned everything to you because you thought I was saying our memories meant nothing???????  Do you even listen to yourself speak sometimes??????) was the wake up call I needed to break the spell.  Of course, I will never say I am grateful for the mess he left behind concerning Brian(that more than anything reveals his true character....or lack thereof)  But I am grateful to be back to the life I was meant to live....the life full of caring and compassion .....appreciating my friends and family....spoiling my grandchildren.....returning to the faith that has delivered me.  (btw......I want it noted that, although I was screaming and kicking the whole way,  God dragged my sorry butt away from the fire just in time)  But the most important thing is that I don't hate him anymore......I can take the lessons I learned....the good that I was able to extract (hey...nothings all wrong....even a clock that has stopped is right two times a day) and chalk it all up to one more chapter in an neverending story I can (and will) tell about my life.  

So....this thanksgiving....I am thankful for my family.....my faith.....my home....and even thankful  for the time I spent with Steve.  It was a wild ride.  I'm glad it's over....but I enjoyed the thrill of it while it lasted.  I know he won't find the peace and happiness he's looking for just yet and I feel bad for him for that....I truly do...hopefully someday he will see the truth. I still believe in miracles .....I was granted one......I pray that he gets his too.   I am sorry that I sounded so mean and bitter these past few months on this blog.....you will never understand how badly you hurt me and Brian....but I don't want to be defined by that because I believe there's a better way to live.......love and forgiveness are the gifts I am most grateful for this thanksgiving.....both recieved and given.

Blogging 101

It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the
strong
man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The
credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred
by
dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes
short
again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who
spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end
the
triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, at least, fails
while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who
know neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt


Okay....let me explain something to you fans in the cheap seats.  A blog is an online journal.  It's the insights and opinions of the owner of the blog.  They can be about quantum physics....they can be about the presidential race....they can even be about the latest sighting of Elvis in a 7/11 somewhere in Arkansas....whatever the owner chooses to write about.  There are millions of these things out there in cyber space.  If you don't like the content on one....move on along to the next one.   Better yet....start one of your own, don't act like the playground bully in my sandbox though cause I have the power to kick you out.  Notice that I don't do that though.  You know who I am and how I feel but I allow you to hide behind an "anonymous" tag because I happen to believe in free speech...everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Just remember though that in this "sandbox" you better be prepared to back up your opinions with some facts.  You see...I am not afraid to stand on the mountaintop shouting "here I am world....bring it on".  I own up to my thoughts and feelings....both the bad ones and the good ones.  I am not afraid to tell you what I think and why I think it.  

And this is what I think.........you obviously think people who write and read are "wasting" their time...that the only way to "live" is to just go out and take whatever you want.  But rushing through life just taking and not giving....or worse not even reflecting on the gifts that are given you....is a lot like robbing a bank.  I believe our exsistance goes on beyond this time on earth...that eternity is more important than fleeting momentary satisfaction.  I believe in God...and I am not afraid to talk or write about that.  If that makes me "crazy" in your eyes I don't much care.  

I watched this happen to Lynda so I am not so surprised it's happening to me.  To make yourselves look better you feel the need to tear others down.  It's so predictable...and so sad. Let's see...Lynda's faults....did she cheat? no....did she lie? no......did she drink and do drugs? no...did she spend all Steve's money?no........oh I remember....she read too much....she didn't constantly shower Steve with attention.......that bitch!  The truth is Steve was bored with her....so she had to go.  He was bored with me so I had to go.  No problem....I can accept that....it's his right.  But don't crucify someone to ease your conscience.  Don't critisize someone or something you don't understand.

So let's toss the facts on the old scales and see how it balances out.  

Lydna and I are both educated, smart, successfull mature adults with jobs, houses, responsibilities...the whole nine yards.  We are independant....we go out there and face the world everyday....I even have extra responsibilities that I shoulder with little help.

He is a middle aged man living at home with no responsibility dating a girl young enough to be his daughter with no other goal in life but to make enough money to retire early so he has even less responsibility.

Who is that again that needs professional help???????

The only thing that made Lynda and I crazy was our willingness to try to hold on and love someone unable to even understand what love is.

Take your own advice....move on.  You think I am wasting my life by writing.......but what does that say about you for reading it?  

You Gotta Believe in Something....No Matter the Cost

Today is election day.  I always think of my grandmother on election days.  
 My NaNa traveled alone across the Atlantic as a poor, uneducated  teenager.  She arrived here not knowing the language....not being able even to read or write.  An arranged marriage was her reason for coming....but like many before her....and many after.....she had a dream of a better life here in America.  She settled in, raised a family....and studied for her citizenship test.  One of her proudest moments was when she became a naturalized American citizen.  She often showed me her papers.  She never did learn really to read or write....and her English was hard to understand at times......but she took her responsibilities as a citizen to heart.  She never missed an election.  I remember as a teenager and a young adult taking her to the polling place.  I would help her read the ballot.....but she always knew who she was voting for.  She died shortly before her 101st birthday......right before election day.  

I think I inherited her determination and stubborness....her belief in something.....someone....larger than herself.  I miss her.  But every election day, as I cast my vote, I remember how hard she had to work......how hard women and blacks had to work....to have the right to make their mark on history.  I take nothing for granted and I don't neglet my duty....I appreciate the sacrifice so many have made to allow me the right to voice my opinion.  Free ideas ensure a free society.  And as long as this is a free society , I will always exercise my right to speak....and write....as I see fit.  I will have the courage to give a signature to the thoughts and ideas that are mine alone.  I will stand and be counted.

This election day ask yourself...."what do I stand for?"

If you don't stand for something....you'll fall for anything.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Someone who has known me for a long time made an interesting observation.  They said that, although they had never seen me happier than when I was with Steve, they also saw that I was not "myself".  I was puzzled by that assesment and I have been thinking about that for a few weeks now.....what exactly did they mean?  How was I different....and why?
So, being the curious person I am....I started an unscientific poll.  I didn't like the results.  There was widespread agreement that I had taken leave of my senses.

My list of priorities in life had always been God, family and friends....in that order.   I taught Sunday school......I coached t-ball......I was a Brownie leader......I was a public official....I homeschooled the young one for 4 years. Holidays were truly Holy Days here with the Advent wreath and Jesse tree.....Lent was a season and not just eating fish on Fridays.  My children and grandchildren were regulars for Sunday dinner and spirited games of Scrabble afterward.  Acts of charity I won't mention here because I did them for the love of God and not for any personal gain.  I always thought we all had a purpose in life.......that we had an obligation to leave the world a little better than we had found it.....that you should treat people with the respect and dignity that all children of God deserve.  I marched on Washington several times on behalf of those without a voice.  

Something happened though that I don't understand.  I abandoned the practice of my faith and my family.  I rushed headlong into his world.  Most everyone I talked to said that was what surprised them the most.......the Catholic and the atheist.....the older "earth mother" and the young irresponsible kid.  

I think to him I was a curiosity.....but he soon became my temptation....my addiction.  He seemed interested in my religion.....my prayers and my devotions.....he asked a lot of questions and I thought I had the answers.  I don't know....maybe I thought I was saving him ( he even told me once that if he ever was saved it would be because of me)  But I don't have any power to save anyone.......I couldn't even save myself.  Everthing I had been taught....everything I believed seemed to get pushed aside in my quest to be accepted by him.  Oh to be sure....there were times when I was aware of that on some level....there were times I was most uncomfortable being a part of his conversations and his lifestyle ....but I laughed along just so he would "like" me.  I will never forget one particular conversation.....he and his mother were discussing the suicide of a "close personal friend".  This man's young daughter was the one to find him.........an incredibly horrid, sad situation.  But they were laughing about it!  It makes me sick to my stomach to recall that I pretended to be amused with the conversation too.  Everything was a joke to him.....including me and Brian it turns out.

But yet....I don't hold that against him.......he's not a believer so how could I fault him?   I was the believer....I knew better....I am the guilty one.  I was a poor example to my children....my grandchildren....and even to him.  I presented myself as a Christian but I certainly wasn't acting like one when I was with him.  I became selfish......concerned only with what I wanted no matter the cost.  I was the one who allowed God's pure love to be perverted  and missused.

My reading list is quite extensive right now...... I started with all the Narcissism stuff because I wanted it to be all his fault (you really do need to read Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss)  
But I soon realized I was comparing apples to oranges.  The issue for me wasn't what Steve was or wasn't....the issue for me was how to find my way back home.  How to make my life right.  The thing is....I didn't have to go far.  My shelf is crammed with almost all of Fulton Sheen's books......with a large collection of C.S. Lewis.....with the works of St. Augustine....St. Thomas Aquinas.....St. Francis.....Mother Teresa. ....He always did say he liked my answers better.....I was raised on a total Catholic school education....I studied the saints and the scholars.....I live the Bible through the liturgical year....I might have neglected it these past few years.....but by the Grace of God, I haven't forgotten it.

And yet......I find myself loving Steve even more now....because I understand now....I understand the fall from Grace.... I understand the healing power of redemption....I understand the mystery  will be revealed some day on the other side of this life.....

our lives do not then depend on the principle of avoiding sin, which is a tiresome job,but on living  constantly in the climate of Divine Love.....Fulton Sheen

If

I thought of you this morning.  I was in a shop full of clocks and when the hour struck , one started playing the song I sang to you as an infant.  (surprised me too....who knew that obscure '70's songs are all the rage in new age grandfather clocks)  The memory made me smile...something I don't do too often lately.  When you called me this afternoon to tell me your news another memory came to mind....one that has clouded my landscape for a few months now.

I am so sorry.   I know very well the suffocating feeling of that quiet desperation.  I have worn the floorboards of that long lonely hallway so that the ruts are hard to escape.  I am sorry I have left you that legacy...that I have made your life seem so complicated.  I wish we could start all over again.  I know we can't....but maybe we can help each other see our way clear of all this confusion.
Please don't think I don't understand....or that your reasons will hurt me further....because you are not crazy ( and you are NOT him) and I need you to know that I love you even though I haven't always been the best of examples.

And maybe when you are done that book , I should re-read it too.

We Built This City

Every day, on my way to and from work, I pass a house where unspeakable horror dwelled until one act of desperation drove the demon to another location in a young girl's private hell.  The local District Attorney decried the deplorable conditions of the house and urged it to be condemned.  It is now being disassembled....all that remains is a pile of broken wood and twisted metal.  Soon it will be nothing but a bare empty lot.
I wonder though about the condition of the new home where the demon now resides.  It is always the most innocent who are forced to share quarters with the evil that lives in the hearts of those who gave birth to them.  Now that heart no longer beats and the innocent one is left alone to wrestle the demon even the older one could not seem to tame.
Hate the sin....but love the sinner.  That's what we are commanded to do.  Love is the ultimate weapon.  But I saw her wounded eyes as I passed by in my car on the way to my safe, warm home on more than a few occasions.  What would I have done if I knew then the source of her sad expression? Love is patient and kind.....but her patience wore thin when no one came to her aid.Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.  Is she bitter now?  Does she hate the world for letting her down?  Can you blame her for any of that?  
So now the walls of her physical hell have been torn down as if that will make everything better.Home is where the heart is though so her emotional hell is still intact.  Can she ever escape it?  Will someone love her enough to stand beside her as she battles the demon that was bequeathed to her?
So many souls live in darkness.  Some by chance....some by choice.  Love, bearing the gift of truth, can light the way. Truth, like a hand from heaven, is what will build a new home.  Is that a choice you can pass a chance on?

Tears in Heaven

Although I greatly appreciate the way my family and friends have banded together to help me sew up the tear in the fabric of my life, I was looking forward to testing the "patch" this weekend. I decided it was time to strike out on my own for 48 hours. No trips with the grandchildren......no "girls night out".......no sister face time.
The Penguins did their part Friday night ( don't tell Meghan but my opinion has changed concerning Sabourin) Some flannel pj's, total control of the remote, great hockey......the only thing missing were the Corona's calling me from the basement.
Saturday started out great too... even though it took me 2 hours to donate 1 pint of blood!!!!!!!(and btw.......never wear a white shirt when you go to donate blood) I haven't cried in quite a while so I decided it was time to complete that one errand I had been putting off for too long.....the fabric store. The walls have been painted......the rug has been in place.....and finally the perfect couch has been purchased...so it was time to buy the fabric for the chair that was supposed to be the next new project we tackled together. I realized in the parking lot that I had forgotten the ceramic tile that I had picked out for the coffee table ( I am into furniture making now too...lol....hey what can I say....if you can't find what you want, make it yourself) No excuses though....I can still bring home swatches. Get out of the car and on with your life.
Walking through the aisles was pretty surreal at first......you kind of expect to turn the corner and have him there in the next aisle checking out the patterns and offering an opinion. So familiar and yet so foreign. After a few minutes though I realized I could do this....could visit the places that remind me of him and survive quite well. I didn't even come close to crying when I was handed some bright new pennies in change there ( I swear God has a sense of humor...everywhere I go anymore I get shiny new pennies). Yes, life is good. Another hockey game tonight (only I won't have ignore the Corona's tonight).......no distractions....I can finish my book before the game. Only, I decided to clean the young one's room first. When I was sorting his movies, I realized I never saw his video from summer camp yet. So I popped it in the dvd player.
I will never be able to find the right words to use to express what it has been like these last 18 years living with Brian. The love, the laughter, the pain, the fear. But the images of Brian and his friends....of the campers and their caregivers.....the music they chose as the soundtrack to their lives....I couldn't hold back the tears.
And yet.......it wasn't sad. They were all happy and loving....not a care in the world. I had to ask myself why was I crying??????? This was what life is supposed to be about....about friends and family....about caring and compassion. Seeing the face of God in everyone.
What is sad I suppose is that there are so many cruel and uncaring people in this world who think so little of the love that is manifest in Brian and his friends. The kind of people who would rather live in darknesss than embrace the light that radiates from their gentle, innocent souls.

Matthew Chapter 25 verses 31-40

I don't believe in coincidence.

I believe it's never too late though.
John Chapter 4 verses 7-41
I am the woman at the well. I have walked in the darkness too.....

All we have to do is ask.

On the Road to Find Out

The answer lies within
So why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
Pick up, pick up a good book now...........Cat Stevens


I think it was Socrates that said "the unexamined life is not worth living". Everybody at some point in time has to ask themselves some very hard questions. Their very survival depends on the answers they find.

He always used to ask me why I was so nice. I told him I didn't know any other way to be. So it puzzles me why he thinks the advice I have given him recently was intended as an insult. The road to hell is paved with good intentions........and I realize that , even though I wanted him to see the truth, it wasn't my place to point that out to him. Some things we are better off dealing with on our own. Some conversations are best left between ourselves and God. But they are conversations we must have. We are all created in God's image and likeness......our core...our soul was created to be in union with the Creator. Life has a way of drowning out that small still voice of our conscience that cries out for peace and happiness.

We are all called.......but it's up to us to answer that call or not.

The "niceness" he spoke of is just the image and likeness of God that resides in me. I myself.....without God.....am just an empty shell. So now is the time for me to ask the questions.....to examine my life.....to find the answer that God has already buried in my heart like a treasure.


Death is always necessary for a resurrection........Fulton Sheen

Forgive We Now Each Other's Faults...

As we our faults confess.

That was one of my favorite hymns as a child. You don't hear that one too much anymore at church.

Where charity and love prevail
There God is ever found
Brought here together by Christ's love
By love are we thus bound
Forgive we now each other's faults
As we our faults confess
And let us love each other well
In Christian holiness

Forgivness is something that comes easy for me. I admit I get hurt and angry at times.....but hate and revenge are 2 things I just don't understand. I know a lot has been said lately out of pain and confusion. And I can even admit that I am still angry somewhat but I have never said anything about hating Steve and I never said or did anything to intentionally hurt him even though he's done that to me. If anything, giving a name to an issue in his life was meant to try to help. Love does not just "give up" or go away. It may change to a differant form.....but it remains constant. God does not stop loving us when we displease Him. And patron saints don't abandon us when we need them the most (even when we don't even recognize that we need them). There has been so much in this life that God has forgiven me.

No, forgiving others has never been my problem......my problem is worse than that. My problem is that I can't seem to forgive myself. And that is an even deadlier sin.... thinking my sin is greater than God's mercy. It would be easy...and convienient to blame my poor choices in life on my mother. But the truth is, she's only human and I can see and understand her "limitations" too. Yes.....I certainly came away from my childhood with extremly low self esteem......but that isn't what led me down the dark alleyways I have been travelling all my life.
She may have hurt me....but she didn't shame me. I did that to myself. And shame is the greatest injury to our souls.....it's the emotion that fuels all our fears about ourselves. It's the one Adam and Eve felt upon their departure of the Garden of Eden....it's the one we are cleansed of by the Holy Spirit....and if we despair of that cleansing....if we deny that it can cleanse us then there is no hope for us. I have spent my whole life trying to deny something....trying to love better, forgive more...in the hopes I could "make up" for the past. But some things you just can't "make up" for. Some things you just have to beg God's mercy for.....but you have to believe He will forgive....believe he will forget... but most of all, you have to accept that mercy. You have to accept that only God has the power to make things right. Our job is to just accept His mercy....praise Him for it..........and pass it on down the line.

You Don't Know What It's Like

It's finally quiet here. I appreciate my daughter watching Brian so I can go out, but that usually means I have to return the favor. I don't mind having N. here though. I just don't get much sleep when he is here. I sometimes just watch him sleep and I wonder what it will be like for him in the future. He had his new braces on today....they are smaller, just fitting over the ankles and not all the way up his shins anymore....but they are more rigid and seem like they are uncomfortable. They are "rainbow" colored. He gets to design them....I thought for sure they would be blue.

When Brian was born I used to sit up at night and watch him sleep too. I remember that overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of his disabilty. It's funny though....my sisters and I have had to deal with different disabilities with our kids. I have often thought I couldn't handle Adam's or Emily's medical issues....and they have said that they thought they couldn't handle Brian's mental retardation. Now I deal with both the mental....and physical issues. Granted, N.'s condition isn't an ongoing medical concern like Adam's or Emily's.....but I know his future is still uncertain. They still haven't pinpointed the nature of his muscle myopathy.

You want so badly to protect you kids from the difficulties in life but most things are out of your control. Being a single mother with someone like Brian is even tougher. I want to be the loving, protective mother....but I find myself having to be the "bad cop" most of the time to keep him motivated. I wish I had the opportunity to enjoy him more....to read to him more....to play with him more. But I am always pressed for time....and most times he can't be hurried....so I end up nagging and being firm with him. This has been a tough year for him. Actually it's been a tough year for me too....but I can't show weakness around him...I have to push harder. He's getting better at school though....the crying and acting out has slowed. And since the "Leapster incident" at least the teacher and I are on the same page now on how to handle things. He's so angry at me anymore...it's like how Erin was when her dad and I broke up. They blamed me ....mostly cause I was there. If it helps him though, I can take it. He "uninvited" me to his choral concert though the other night when I told him I didn't want him to make Steve a card. It hurts....but I have to turn it around....I told him fine...but how did he think he was going to get to the concert then? He is sooooo excited about this concert....I think he has invited everyone he knows (and even some people he doesn't know....like the cashier at Giant Eagle). I think the only two classes where we don't have any trouble are swimming and chorus......and he can't swim or sing!

That's the beauty of his innocence........life is so simple for him. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of his ablity.....he likes it....it's fun.....so he goes for it with gusto.

That's also the heartbreak of his innocence........love is so simple for him. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. If he loves you.....he goes for it with gusto.

We should all be so lucky to have that kind of "disability".

What I'll Give You Since You Asked

Before I get to the heart of the matter tonight I want to post my horoscope for today. I think it's kind of amusing. I never believed in this stuff ( I still don't) but I read them for fun. They have been especially compelling lately.

Sagittarius October 12
Warm and inspiring relations with others at this time might not only make you happy today, dear Sagittarius, they could inspire you to be creative in some way. Your friends should prove very supportive of your efforts at this time and this can spur you on to accomplish a lot. Writing especially could show a lot of promise. Get busy and have some fun.

It seems as if I have some critics. I find their comments strangely amusing. The complaint is that I am self centered and need professional help. Last time I checked, this was my blog. I guess they think I should be using this space to tell of the greatness of Steve and how fortunate the young one and I were to have been a part of his life. They say I should move on and not talk to Steve anymore(news flash...I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months) but yet...why are they even reading this blog??????? Who needs to move on here?????? But then again they must not be reading very closely because they have totally missed the point. Or else they only hear what they want to hear in which case nothing I say matters....they already think they know all there is to know.

They say there are two sides to every story...but my dad used to say there were three....you have one side, the other person has one side, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.That truth is what I have been seeking.

It's never just one person's fault when a relationship ends. Two go in....two go out. I never said it was all his fault. Do I think he has issues? Yes. Do I think I have issues? Yes. If the "anonymous" poster (and I love how these posters hide behind the "anonymous" tag) had been paying any attention they would have seen that in my posts. When your life is tossed upside down it's natural to be angry....or hurt....or resentful. I will not apologize for anything I said while working out those emotions. Self examination is not being self centered......it's a necessary step in understanding what was wrong and what was right in the relationship so you can learn from the experience and emerge stronger and smarter. Only a fool would say they were totally right and not ever face their shortcomings. Only a person who is dead inside would think they have nothing more to learn from life.

I am insecure and emotional....but I am honest and kind. I am indecisive and opinionated......but I am compassionate and forgiving. I am moody....but I am a hard worker. We are all many things....both good and bad. Part sinner....part saint. That includes Steve. He has both good and bad qualities. It's all about balance.....it's all about striving to be the best we can be. But the "anonymous" poster has NO RIGHT to an opinion on what Steve has done to Brian........you have no clue as to the extent of the devestation that boy is working through. You think Steve is a saint...and I need professional help....but Brian is the one in counseling now at the school's request. And Steve has yet to even acknowledge that he has hurt Brian in any way. You can defend him all you want but the hallmark of narcissism is the lack of compassion and the necessity of destroying anyone who challenges the narcissist. Narcissists can't ever see how they hurt other people. Steve is laughing at me and mocking my attempts to hold him accountable....he makes light of Brian's pain.....and obviously brags about it to you "anonymous" poster. So what does that say about all of you?????? I dare you to tell me to my face that Brian just needs to "move on". I dare you to tell Brian that yourself too!

And to answer your question....yes my children are proud of me. They are proud of the fact that I am standing up for myself and Brian. They are proud of the home I have created......of everything that I have done ON MY OWN . They respect me for the commitment I show to my faith in God. They respect me for refusing to entertain any thought of hate or revenge towards the ever growing list of men who have hurt me and their brother. They are proud of my attempts to forgive the past and seek a better future....even when it means being brutaly honest about my own shortcomings. They especially respect the fact that I admit that I am not perfect.

So it's you who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I challenge you to contact me personally....sit down and hear the truth...not the version he spins. But I'll bet you can't handle the truth. Because that would mean facing the fact that maybe you are wrong about some things. It's not easy to look in the mirror and see warts and all staring back at you but we all have to do it sooner or later. Denying it doesn't change it.

And as far as moving on goes........ask him where my house key is. Better yet....tell him he owes me $150 for having to get the locks changed.

And tell him #6 on Snow Patrol still applies. Seriously.

New Attitude

Awesome Graphics at pYzam.com

Don't Stop Believing

Sagittarius -
You are on a roll today, dear Sagittarius. Don't let other people's insecurities or shallow understanding about the issues get in the way of your progress. There is a distinct advantage to the way you approach things. Feel free to exert your will on those who need strong direction on how to proceed. If you are confident about the answer, don't be shy about saying so. If people don't like the way you are leading, they don't need to follow.

That's my horoscope for today......pretty funny. I don't believe in coincidence . I have been thinking about how best to approach the wisdom of continuing with this blog. I didn't want to give it up, but I didn't want to do more harm than good either.

I want to say for the record (and all you friends can close your eyes so as not to read the next few words) that I still love and miss Steve. I am saying that because that truth is important. I know he thinks that I am using this blog to be mean to him....even though he is the one being mean and heartless.....but the reality is that I am just trying to come to terms with some very confusing emotions. It's one of the interesting things about us humans that has always fascinated me....that ability we have to love someone despite the pain they cause us. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the only one who can do that. Either way I know what I have to do.

The blog stays....and it stays the way I want it to. For whatever reason, God has given me the ability to love without condition, to forgive like I have been forgiven (more on that in a later post), and continue to believe in a deeper meaning of life. I struggle with this gift....because I know how vulnerable it makes me. And I leave myself wide open for criticism because I say and do things that aren't always smart...or popular. And I am not even sure what I am doing half the time....all I know is that despite my imperfections...or maybe because of them....I know that I have to do what I know how to do. And that's to love like I want to be loved....forgive like I want to be forgiven....

I can't answer for anyone else......when I stand before God someday I will have to account for what I said and did. I believe that I was set on this journey for a reason....that this pain I am going through is kind of like birthing pains. Only God knows what's at the end of this road...all I know is that I will follow.

Secret Garden

Our lives are like a garden that must be tended lovingly in order to grow and flourish. Each of us carries within us the seeds needed to plant the most glorious of bounties. Unfortunatly, weeds can spring up quite unexpectantly and choke out the beauty that we had admired.

My prayer this morning was for help in weeding out my garden. The anger and bitterness arising from the pain was threatening to overtake the flowers. If I let it take root it could change the entire landscape. I don't want that to happen. So I asked God to remove the anger and bitterness from my heart. And I realized something......yes, he hurt me very badly.....but he certainly wasn't the first to do so. And with every hurt and disappointment in my life another seed was planted. The winds carry the seeds and scatter them where it may. I can not control what lands in my garden....only God can do that.....but I am responsible for tending to that garden....to nurture it along....to encourage the beauty and weed out the unwanted, ugly waste that threatens the soil.

I have the tools I need to cultivate a garden of lasting beauty. I have the love and patience that God has given me...I just have to use them.

There is a reason I say I am a "practicing" Catholic. I believe that we have to practice our faith everyday....that since we are human we are less than perfect so we will never have perfect faith.
Some days are easier than others. Some days the weeds threaten to choke us. But if we work at it with the tools God gave us and pray for the faith to rain down on us to water our efforts, the beauty will astound us.

Sins of the Fathers

I can understand his reluctance to face the truth. The wounds of our youth can leave deep and lasting scars. Some feel it is better to never revisit them. So they go through life denying they ever exsisted....because to admit to the scars is to admit to the shame of being made to feel unworthy of the love of the one who is most like ourselves. Life then becomes a dangerous game of hide and seek. We hide who we truly are to seek the love and approval of those closest to us. But the Catch 22 part is that the ones who are closest to us are the ones who should love us for who we really are....and not who they want us to be. And once our "false" self gains that love....the "true" self has virtually no chance of surviving.

This in turn feeds the shame of knowing that we too are admiting that our true self is unworthy.

I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.

Maybe my mother was wrong......maybe I am ...... maybe my revelation wasn't meant to help him.....maybe it was meant to help me. To help me see that you can't erase the pain by changing the past....or the people who inflicted the pain in the first place..... or even changing yourself to suit them........But to change the way you react to that pain.....to stop chasing after the same source of pain hoping to have a different outcome.

I would rather be loved for who I am than to be hated for who I am not.

I would rather be loved for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.